Saturday, November 1, 2008

Micro Blogging... and Texting in General... Thoughts... (1st Official BLog Here)

Why do I get the feeling that, apart from using Twitter as a source, Twistori was liberally "inspired" by Johnatan Harris' We Feel Fine?

I Micro Blogged (Twittered) this...

Wow... Twitter... How it "can" change your reception... They're perception...

And was asked "IS everything OK"...

My Reply... (and I'll edit/add to this blog...)

Well...

I was noticing how MICRO BLOGGING creates a very interesting social dynamic...

It's like little random thought bubbles being broadcast... even to a small group (30 twitter followers)...

the info gets disseminated, dissected and discussed... and it flavors the way you have occurred for those people and the way they occur for you...

BUT it's NOT TRUE conversation... it's snippets, which could be a rogue moment which, since it's NOT in person, not a real one on one connection, MUST be interpreted...

and then people form THEIR understanding of you (and you of them) based on some very tiny and cryptic scribed hiccups...

I'm just say'n... Not complain'n... Just a thought, an observation...

----- Addendum 1 10/28/08-----

So... Do NOT... stop yourself from communicating, sharing in snippets... Limited to 140ish characters BUT DO understand that peeps who don't know you (well... and even those who do)... may be massaging their opinions of you based on these snippets and if you ONLY Micro Blog when your in a UNIQUE space... a certain MOOD... some may ONLY have this info to go by... So don't be surpriesed when people see you and COMMENT on your Micro-Mood!!!

Just like a statement spewed in anger... once it is released... it can not be put back in it's cage!!!

----- Addendum 1 10/28/08 2:52 pm-----

Oh... One of the reasons I had this THOUGHT... was I've had people comment about "HOW are you"... and "You've been going though a rough period..." kinda comments... and realized... OH MY... I'm "sharing" a lot of random mood swings with a LOT of random people...

Sometimes it's really GOOD, letting the CAT out of the bad (yes, BAD) ... not letting it fester... having people who can relate to you, calling or just offering you their pathos and empathy...

BUT... there are times that this can create an IMAGE... of issues... which can diminish/taint (I said taint! hee hee) how you would like to be received in the community...

So, you have to OWN, be RESPONSIBLE for your words... and how they GIVE you the canvas that you can paint on in your community...

SO SHARE WISE-LY!!!

Sam(the Occasionally)Wise

How do we Listen??? Do we Listen??? How do we Care??? Do we Care??? Is it about You, Me or We??? (Tribe.net) Wed, October 1, 2008 - 4:41 PM

[This is out of a conversation/Face book back and forth message I was having with a friend, it has been edited and addendum'd and re-written BUT the original thought was expressed in an email]

[Generalization... BUT hear the idea NOT the Generalization]

...I find a HUGE thing about MEN/WOMAN is MEN typically do not VENT to VENT, they VENT to work things out (They look for a way to NOT feel the way they are feeling...) They don't share UNTIL they are looking to work on it.

WOMAN will just VENT, looking for agreement, understanding and sympathy for their situation and their emotions attached to that situation.

NEITHER is WRONG...

It's just a different process...

Where there is an issue is between the sexes...

This issue is:
MEN listen like MEN and WOMAN listen like WOMAN... from THEIR perspective....

I have learned (and am learning) that when a WOMAN blogs... EVEN IF IT'S A SPECIFIC ISSUE... It's typically a VENT, she may just want to be heard... and want to continue in her own space... Working through it herself...

IF I (as a MAN) BLOG/SHARE publicly (UNLESS IT'S AN OBVIOUS RANT!!!) I WANT HELP... I don't think most WOMAN realize that. Men are kinda stoic, self-contained, trying to work it out for themselves and understand... If they get to a point where they are SHARING, they've taken a leap out of their space and are looking to take it on... move out of it!

NOW!!!

I'm cool about getting more savvy about picking up what people as individuals need when they communicate...

BUT...

I don't always know how to communicate what I need... LIKE... When I say I'm upset, or lonely, or anxious... This is my way of saying... I FEEL CRAPPY!!! Anyone wanna get a BEER!!! Hmmm... I guess from now on... I'm gonna say I FEEL CRAPPY!!! ANYONE WANNA GET A BEER!!!

duh... (that Solved...?)

>>>> Continuing from later on in the correspondence >>>>

I've been studying woman and just general human social dynamics since my separation/divorce 6 years ago... (prior to that more of individual dynamics, how people work ALONE - not in relationship) and realize how much you have to GET the persons vision of the world to communicate fully with them (Seek first to understand, then to be understood)...

I see a LOT of how I've been trying to understand woman and just social dynamics in general is from MY perspective... which explains why it doesn't work... Whether it's genetic, hormonal, sexual, status, ethics, aesthetics, religion or WHAT... I see that because of our differences we are TREATED differently causing us to have very different experiences of life... even when the environments are the same... It's our context that gives us our interpretation and reaction...

And I'm seeing things I've never seen before... both wonderful and frustrating...

I have met a LOT of MEN on this journey... And have had some fascinating conversations and experiences...

BUT...

lately I've been a bit frustrated with the lack of woman who TRY to understand WHY a man is coming from where he's coming from...

He's not just STUPID...

You shouldn't make him a project, try to fix him... ain't your job!!! BUT an overall curiosity of what could be the foundation of his behavior.

AND THEN BACK TO OURSELVES...

What is the foundation of our own behavior and WHAT patterns we've been repeating with really CRAPPY results...

AND

HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE MORE EFFECTIVELY...
... to get all our needs met, nurtured and respected!
WHILE STILL SERVING OTHERS
... getting their needs met, nurtured and respected!
(and they will do the same for us)

Hmmmm....

PERHAPS WE JUST NEED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT SERVICE... AND JUST BE AWARE WHEN WE ARE NOT BEING SERVED...
Take your attention off yourself and your needs will be met... Very Burning Man... No Expectations... Just GIVE... and Receive Graciously.

-------------------- Comments -------------------

5 Comments


Wed, October 1, 2008 - 6:19 PM
I love the way you write!
...because it sounds just exactly like the way you talk. I can "hear" you reading this blog aloud to me, in my head!

(yes, Samwise, you live in my head! at least a small part of you does.) :)

I'm not sure I understand your main point--let me take a crack at it? (before I have to run up to a Bday party in LA)

You are feeling a bit frustrated by communication glitches, particularly between the sexes.
Perhaps you are just starting a dialogue about this topic??

I totally agree with you: A partner is NOT a fixer-upper. If you want one of those, buy real estate!!

gotta run!
much love to you my friend.

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 6:20 PM
Thanks! Just what I needed to hear today. Or, were you asking for help? ;-)

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 8:19 PM
Hark the Herald Sexes Sing...I agree on all fronts. I can really also appreciate a man who can receive a good vent without reacting and/or needing or wanting to change my feelings. It just leads to more venting and displaced anger onto him. You are really right about the way the sexes process things. You might be very interested in one of my blogs on tribe called "DMT & Eros:" a woman's perspective, of course. It is very important we understand how the other side deals with things to start to meet in the middle and/or achieve balance, giving, receiving, etc. Right on with the selfless giving. The imbalanced aspect of this however CAN result in martyrdumb if unchecked.

Thu, October 2, 2008 - 11:00 AM
It's funny, because in my own anecdotal research, it's the women who endlessly attempt to figure out what the men are locking away in stoic silence. I guess it all depends on your sample population......
I've talked to many men who confess what their wives and girlfriends already know: that they tune their women out, hearing only the peanuts cartoon teacher voice: wah wah wah waaahh.
I do believe that we have gender-based differences in relating style, but that becomes a chicken/egg story. Did the patriarchy stomp out men's ability to relate holistically the way women do? Or did men's natural strengths in compartmentalizing and focusing on pure reason to the exclusion of emotion shape the patriarchy? either way, i look at all of us as suffering some degree of collateral damage. Raising a sensitive boy in this culture is one hell of a balancing act, i tell you! Raising a teen daughter is hair-raising, too! How does anyone grow up with sane identities in this enormous endless high school drama that we call american life?
Thu, October 2, 2008 - 12:10 PM
To cat...
Ahh there it is...

"it's the women who endlessly attempt to figure out what the men are locking away in stoic silence. "

I'm NOT talking about their stoic silence... I'm talking about when they open their mouths... AND Woman TRY to figure it out...

When they are silent, they are processing... Unlike woman (generalization) who process out loud...

"that they tune their women out, hearing only the peanuts cartoon teacher voice: wah wah wah waaahh."

that's because a lot of the way woman process out loud... And men do that internally... until they either come up with a direction -or- ask for help... awkwardly... BUT if a guy is talking... he probably is looking for help and guidance...

WHEN THEY OPEN THEIR MOUTHS THERE IS NOTHING TO "FIGURE OUT" !!!
STOP TRYING TO INTERPRET MEN!!!
IF THEY TALK, MOST LIKELY, THEY ARE SAYING WHATS GOING ON!!!

My Ex-wife talked to a female good friend of mine(NOT ANY MORE) for over a year about her unhappiness with her life and ALL she did was LISTEN for a year... Didn't give her advice, didn't tell me, just let her get deeper into unhappiness and depression UNTIL she left me...

When I asked her why she hadn't told me -or- looked in anyway to help her friend NOT be miserable, she said, it was not place... and she felt it was in confidence between the two woman... and she just wanted to be there to support her...

LOOK...
I get listening for someone to vent and talk through things BUT A YEAR... is not supportive... IT'S HEARTLESS...
how could anyone watch someone suffer for a year!!!

OK SORRY... MY VENT... Back on track...

Chicken/Egg... Don't matter... It's the social skeletal at the moment...

What is Sensitivity?

Sensitive... to me... is AGAIN one of the habits of highly effective people...

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood..."

REALLY HARD when you are programed to do things EITHER FOR OWN NEEDS -or- for others because you WANT THEM TO LIKE YOU!!! Which is FOR YOUR OWN NEEDS!!!

Burning Man has a very interesting experience... WHEN you let go and experience it...

It's all about service, giving, focus on others needs...
AND you are the "OTHERS" for others, so you get your needs met...
NOT WANTS!!! But NEEDS!!!
You GET an opportunity to accept and try what is offered... Graciously...
AND you are grateful for the opportunity...
IF YOU GET IT... WHEN YOU GET IT... Before slipping back into the default world mentality...

Blast from my Musical Past... Circa 1983... SO MANY DREAMS (Tribe.net) Mon, August 11, 2008 - 11:32 AM

I probably wrote this circa 1980 and played it in a few bands
BUT this is the Version I just found on cassette and have spent 3 hours...
Figuring out how to get it digitized...
then mp3 it...
and then loaded up to the Internet (and my mp3 player)...

Odd how the universe works...
I saw someones poetry online...
Thought...
Hey, what were the lyrics to that song I wrote & played in those band...
Hey, I'll try to put them in a word document...
Damn... what were they???,
Hey, I'll see If that OLD cassette is around...
Hey, It's the first tape I find...
Hey, I should digitize this...
Hey, I think I can digitize this... (I LOVE MY NOTEBOOK AND Wireless Internet!)
Hey, I think I'll put this up on the net!

And so you have it....

(Pardon the simplicity of the lyrics at times... I was 18)
(I'm doing keyboard and both the lead and background vocals... I had a YAMAHA 4 track!!! :-O WOW!!!)

So Many Dreams

LYRICS:

(a)
The night is young, I sit alone, with my mind
…and I think what bad company I keep…
The night is done, I sit at home, one more time,
…and I think that I shall never get to sleep…

CHORUS:
For there’re so many dreams
I have to make true
and I’ve done my time
of being blue
I’ve sat back and schemed
I fantasize too
and I’ll make them work
and so can you

(a)
No one seems to ever mind, that I’m here
but do they know, really who I am
No one seems to find the time to be sincere
and no one tries to truly understand

(b)
That I want to be with those I feel like
Those that make me smile and feel right
So deep I feel this smile inside me
This worm and happy force that guides me

(c)
Just one small chance, Just unlock the door
that’s all I want, I won’t ask for more
All I want is, Is that you understand
All I want is, It that you know that I am

(a)
There are times I’ll take the time to “LOOK AT ME”
I try so hard to make them look and see
Now I have reason and rhyme, I need no one
I put myself, second next to none

(d)
I’ve spent my life, trying to give myself away
I’ve spent my life, Looking for words just right to say
Now I think that, I’m gonna try some different ways
Now I think that, I’ll make myself those brighter days

(a)
Time goes by as I perform, for myself
No one buys a ticket to my show
Feelings fly as I write songs, for the shelf
It’s OK, soon everyone will know

Chorus:
That there’re so many dream
I had to make true
And I need myself
Much more than you
I sit back and scheme
I fantasize too
and I’ll make it work
with or without you

For there're so many dreams
I had to made true
and I’ve done my time
of being blue
I’ve sat back and schemed
I fantasized too
and I’ve made them work
and so can you…

1 Comment


Wed, August 13, 2008 - 8:38 PM
The song and your hair are very Beatle-esque! Keep rocking Samwise!!!

Ok... Kodak commercials and Sappy Broadway show tunes... :*( [MORE CONFESSIONS OF A THEATRE FAG] (Tribe.net) Sun, August 10, 2008 - 4:56 PM

This song was in a show at my theatre (The Mark Taper Forum) called "13"
and it's a story about turning 13 and dealing with the (normal) stuff you go through, and just dealing with friends, fitting in, school and stuff.

But this SONG pains me, makes my cry...
Between the song, the arrangement and the AMAZING voice on this 15 year old girl...

It kinda reminds me of god spell... I AM SO FAGGY!!!

What it means to be a friend

--------------- Comments -------------------

2 Comments


Mon, August 11, 2008 - 10:09 AM
You crack me up Sam :)

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 11:43 AM
Crack up...
Just putt'n it out there... ;-)

Quirky little hobbit that I am...

Body Lab... Experiment - Start Date 08/04/08 - Current Date 08/09/08 (Tribe.nt) Sat, August 9, 2008 - 8:42 AM

I'm trying some radical changes in food...

But is it so Radical?

I continue to choose to enjoy my vices... caffeine, alcohol and other things... on a moment to moment basis...

BUT I choose to change my regular gluttonous and unthoughtful eating intake...

So... since 08/04/08... I've been living on Protein Shakes, coffee and alcohol... :-O

:-D

Down about 7 lbs in 6 days...

GorgJosh (That's how I spell it, Rather than the Presidential Ticket - Gore-Josh) has suggested FIBER... His suggestion, oatmeal and Whole Wheat Bread with Peanut butter... Man after 5 days... 1 slice, folded over some Peanut Butter was AMAZING!!!

Also added Wheat Germ to my apple juice, Frozen Strawberry, protein Powder shakes...

And Josh also got me on Omega 3 Fish Oil (doin 1200ml/3 times a day) and some One a Day MALE Vitamins)

NOW... AS I go to a wedding today... I plan to enjoy it... Kinda like my vices... SO... I'll EAT... BUT I do not plan on stopping my Lab... Just NOT being tough on myself BUT am trying to be more FOCUSED and CHOOSE more... Most of the time my MOOD chooses (which is my emotions/Ego) or my PAST chooses (Habit and Ritual) or THE food CHOOSES (It LOOKS good, Smells good, is FREE, Is convenient). ALL of these are CRAPPY reasons to put something in your mouth. (Insert your OWN joke... I'll wait...... ...... ...... ...... ......)

When you use these reasons, unless you are being REALLY aware... you probably are eating things that are NOT fulfilling the true purpose of eating... NOURISHMENT and FUEL. And this wonderful experience turns into just another VICE... a FIX... a temporary stimuli to make you feel ANYTHING but the way you are CURRENTLY feeling... And from the past, when we've done these things... it's usually better... OR it was better ONE TIME... and we are trying to get that feeling BACK... that's why we repeat the pattern OVER and OVER and OVER... (Wow, I just got that...)

For the time being... I'm going to stop the insanity... and be EXTREME... Just while I recalibrate...
or perhaps...
It's not that extreme...
USE RECREATIONAL VICES ONLY RECREATIONLLY,
when YOU choose freely...
and CHOOSE to put them where they belong in your life NOT everywhere...

(That also kinda makes their use actually kinda Special!!! Kinda? I think it's the caffeine... hee hee)

P.S. Exercise to follow... I KNOW, I KNOW... But let me change ONE neural pathway at a time... GEEEZE!!!

------------------ Comments -------------------

6 Comments


Sat, August 9, 2008 - 8:49 AM
I am working on this, too....trying to be mindful about when and why I go on drinking binges. Sometimes giving myself permission to do so (when all my ducks are in a row and it will be harmless.) Everything in the world is a Medicine--food, drugs, people, activities, thoughts, even opinions and attitudes are Medicine. It's a matter of harmonizing them and balancing them.

Thanks for another great blog!

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 9:43 AM
Why don't you just finish it off...
Hey there is a piece with your name on it....
I got this for you.....
Lets go eat something....
Its hard to say NO sometimes but these are the things that make me go over my calorie limit.
It takes me a long time and although I've dropped about 16 pounds it has taken months.

Good work Sam! I'll see you at the wedding as well and I guess its one of those times when I have to have a small piece of cake.
It feels so much better to be healthy at a manageable mass and the obsession at my age with all the weights, hiking and yoga, flexibility.

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 1:22 PM
Sam,

I truly have no idea what to make of this diet you're on.....
I really don't. I have all sorts of conflicting thoughts about it. Some are really positive & thinking it's cool! Some a little worried for you--
but what's important is, I doubt you'll harm yourself; and YOU'RE happy.
Those things of course matter waaaaay more than any judgment I might make.

But the gist of my comment here is--
I LOVE reading what you write!
It's so YOU!
I can totally hear you speaking in my head as I read this.
(and no, there's not any medicine for that; and no, I don't want any anyway!)
I wish you'd write blogs about your thoughts & experiences, more often!!

One thing that DOES worry me terribly--
Did you notice, in the photo you have posted along with this blog--
Your spine isn't straight! Technically, you have scoliosis.
(Believe me, I know all about scoliosis, after my skating crash.)
And your lungs are black!!

But man, that diet sure has muscled you up. And look how happy you are! You're glowing!
See why my reviews of your diet are so mixed??!

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 2:45 PM
Go vegan - trust me, taking meat off your diet will be a great relief for your body!

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 3:26 PM
VeganSkater & Yair!!!
VS... You made my protein shake come out my nose!!! AND It's really THINK!!!

Yair... The protein in my shake is BEEF!!! (That's how I get it really think and frothy!)

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 5:20 AM
Lose the alcohol....... especially if you're not consuming much else. Your liver will thank you.

The Pit... (Tribe.net) Fri, August 8, 2008 - 5:58 PM

Day 1:
I Walk down a road, fall into pit, it's dark and frightening,
I scream, I yell, I cry, I kick, I scratch, I claw, I climb and
eventually find my way out...
I look back at the hole and damn it.
and continue on...

Day 2:
I Walk down the same road, fall into the same pit,
it's dark and frightening but familiar,
I scream, I yell, I cry, I kick, I scratch, I claw, I climb BUT not as long as the first time and
find my way out...
I look back at the hole and damn it..., but not quite as energetic...
and continue on...

Day 3:
I Walk down the same road, notice the hole, try to avoid it, BUT fall into the same pit anyway,
it's dark and annoying but familiar,
I scream, I yell, I cry, but mostly out of frustration, I kick, I scratch, I claw out of righteousness, I climb BUT am becoming familiar with the foot and hand holds, and though there is effort, I climb out with great focus and
find my way out...
I look back at the hole and damn MYSELF...,
and continue on...

Day 4:
I Walk down the same road, notice the hole, try to walk completely around it, BUT can't take my eyes off it and fall into the same pit anyway,
it's dark, but my eyes adjust very quickly,
I mumble under my breath mostly out of self annoyance and the stupidity of the world, I climb AND am QUITE familiar with the foot and hand holds, and with only minimal effort, I climb fairly quickly and
find my way out...
I look back at the hole and shrug my shoulders...,
and continue on...

Day 5:
I Walk down the same road, notice the hole, walk completely around it, BUT turn around and peer down it fascinated and fall into the pit anyway,
it's dark, but this is not an issue, my eyes don't even need to adjust to start my ascent,
I pontificate loudly to myself and any passer by, how you can't avoid these pits, it's just the way it is, I quickly climb out, with little effort and
find my way out...
I glance back at the hole and raise one eyebrow...,
and continue on...

Day 6:
I Walk down the same road, aim right for the hole, JUMP into it,
it's dark and comfortable, I muse at the dirt and rock and things in the pit that have fallen in and take my time, I leisurely start to leave,
I have nothing to say, I just climb out, with expert speed and
KNOW my way out...
I continue on without looking back...,
and continue on...

Day 7:
I CHOOSE A DIFFERENT ROAD!!!

---------------- Comments ----------------

7 Comments


Fri, August 8, 2008 - 6:04 PM
*KK moves to next street. Digs new pit*
Hey!
Sam!!
Over here!!!
KK

Fri, August 8, 2008 - 6:19 PM
Sometimes I think that I go lookin' for a pit...

Fri, August 8, 2008 - 8:56 PM
Looking for the pit... (Arell)
That's Somewhere between Day 4 & 6...

For so MANY silly reasons...
-To prove it's NOT a pit,
-to prove that it's not a BAD pit,
-to show that I wasn't DUMB and it was INTENTIONAL that I chose that pit,
-to justify the LAST pit,
-to CHANGE the pit
To name a few...

Don't avoid the road, which puts attention on it (and takes effort),
LEARN that there are an infinite number of roads AND a FINITE amount of time.
If a choice doesn't work, then choose to learn, be wise, and choose again...
And share the path... a MAP can be a life/time saver...

K-

offline
Sat, August 9, 2008 - 4:29 AM
:)

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 8:42 AM
My day 7 (I hope):

I walk down the road, gazing up at the pretty sky.
Staring at the wildflowers, I skip jauntily along.
Eventually, I realize I'm halfway down the road, and I haven't seen that pit I used to keep falling into.
I squint my eyes to locate it back down the trail, and can't discern it from the pattern of light and shadows thrown by the flowers and foliage.
I smile, and skip the rest of the way.....

Until a new obstacle starts the cycle again! Yeehaw!

Thanks for the poem, Samwise! Really made me think this morning.

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 5:17 AM
"And why do we fall?"...........
"And why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."
Thomas Wayne

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 7:54 AM
But... Why do we fall again???
Because... we didn't learn...

-or-

We are addicted to the struggle...

I am such a Theatre FAG!!! Spring Awakening... (Tribe) Fri, July 25, 2008 - 1:23 PM

...is giving me chills... and tearing me up... and I'm just watching it on YouTube...

www.youtube.com/watch

www.youtube.com/watch

I really miss (yearn for) GOOD Powerful theatre... (Not just trite or pretensious)
and this show is Painfully Good...
Based on a banned Play written in Germany in 1890 about teenage pain, confusion, sexuality and suicide...

I have NOT seen it but it will be in town (downtown LA) October 29 - December 7, 2008
Center Theatre Group Spring Awakening
(The damn music in the Promo is giving me chills and making me tear up...)

Maybe I'm just going thru Man-opause...

All I know is I miss being moved by something on stage and BEING on stage moving others...

We all need to go see this show... Multiple times...

Story:
www.springawakening.com/pop-fu...ory.htm

--------------- Comments ---------------

2 Comments


Fri, July 25, 2008 - 1:37 PM
Let's go! My man was a serious theater *ahem* fag in high school and I bet he'd love to get out and see a show. I would! let's call it a date for sometime in fall.

Sat, July 26, 2008 - 1:37 PM
I'm a theatre fag too!!!
It just feels so good to come out. I'm a theatre FAG and I'm PROUD!!! BTW I'd love to go see the show with you.

XOXO, Corinne

Long time NO post... Time to become Journal Boy... (Tribe.net) friends only Fri, June 13, 2008 - 5:15 PM


I've coming out of my cocoon...

Booking more acting jobs...

Having more fun...

I'm Seeking less and Needing less Approval...
And Getting more of it...
Funny how that works...

Being aware and respectful without being overly concerned about other peoples processing...

Everyone is on the same journey but not always or typically at the same point on the path at the same time...

I'm far more connected to intention these days... or at least my mirth and grounding myself in the knowledge that I am an amazing human and I surround myself with those who get that -and- I aim to inspire and nurture the amazingness in them!

...And for those who choose other ways of being, other ways of seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching...
Those who choose to be unaware of the amazing Beings around them, the amazing Being everybody is...

I just choose to love them more (really)...
... Give them space (as long as I know)
.........and wish them well on their journey (God speed)...
...............with whatever companions they choose to travel with (just not me)...

Go with God... But please go...

All I ask is to be left to explore,
...with the companions I choose,
.......unencumbered by judgments, musings and discussions of me and my companions (without our presence),
............and for you to defend everyones right to choose, unoffended by their choices (they are not personal)
..................and I shall afford you the same courtesy and grace

And if I have committed this offense, well, shame on me...
I implore my friends to call me on it, hold the mirror up to me and shatter my hypocrisy ...
My past, My child, My fear was triggered and I forgot who I've worked so hard on becoming...
And I will thank you for making me aware of my digression, my transgression, my true mission...
For making me just plain AWARE of and bringing me back to this moment...

and...

Shame on me,
My friend...
If I don't do this for you...

----------------- Comments -----------------

3 Comments


Fri, June 13, 2008 - 6:45 PM
Well!
I never liked Ya, and fuck yer day!
Good to see you here!!!!
KK

Fri, June 13, 2008 - 6:46 PM
Sounds like good stuff, Sam. Congratulations on the growth and acting jobs!

Fri, June 13, 2008 - 10:31 PM
Fill yer boots, man!

Being sick gives you... (Tribe.net) Tue, September 19, 2006 - 1:58 PM

Lot's of time to hallucinate and sweat and ache...

And feel Lonely...

It's weird... No matter how many times you hear and FEEL loved...

When you're lying alone, with a fever, aching in a pool of your own sweat...
and you start having fever induced hallucinating flashbacks to past relationships where someone cared when you weren't 100% lucid/yourself...

it really feels crappy...

You wonder why you don't have anyone who cares about you...
You wonder what's wrong with you...
You wonder why at this point in your life you are alone(AGAIN)...
You wonder if THIS is the rest of your life...
I'm just FULL of WONDER... IT'S WONDERFUL...

You lie there and think... I could call someone... Hmmm... who's in the Valley??? I could call a lot of people... Hey I know a lot of people... and they like me... even perhaps love me (OK not perhaps... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... UNT AGAIN)

And then you feel so worthless... so small... so pathetic... to have to ask for help... for someone to bring over some OJ... some hot soup... a kind word... just to feel connected...

Like all my peeps have telepathy (hey... some of you do... we're gonna hafta have a TALK!!!)... Like you guys would randomly check in to see if I'm OK... Most people (including myself... I also fall into the MOST category) assume that when you are in need... as long as it isn't pathologically ALL THE TIME... you'll let us know... and it will be fine. MORE THAN FINE... Happy to help!!!

BUT... When you're in the middle of the need... you just start to spiral down and it's an up hill battle, actual effort... to think of anything that will bring you out of your funk... and it's SO much easier to ENABLE the funk!!! You're already heading in that direction... already wallowing in sweat... so transitioning over to wallowing in self pity is a real effortless...

Well... now I'm healthy and wondering who that FREAK was...

And the damn thing is... that FREAK is ME!!! at least a part of me... the non-logical, non-spiritual, frightened, small, scared, hurt child lurking in the shadows of my MIND...

So... My Pack Love Wolves...

How do we nurture this child and take care of this child without giving into his/her BS?

Also...

I'd like to offer myself as a person anyone in my friend list can call for help... If I can NOT help at that time... I will at the very least put out an APB (a phone call or 2... and on tribe) that you're in need and then will follow up as soon as I can...

It just seems with the amazing peeps in my life (and in each others lives) this disconnected pathetic story can be put to rest... there is always someone in the group who can reach out... and bring us home.

------------------- Comments -----------------------

10 Comments


Tue, September 19, 2006 - 2:04 PM
We only get the help we ask for. I'm sorry you were sick - sorrier that I didn't know about it. I would have brought you some soup. Glad you are feeling better! Next time.... get your @ss on tribe and make a request...!!! I know many would step up. Be well...


Tue, September 19, 2006 - 3:23 PM
I agree with K Bunny, we do only get the help that we ask for. Not everyone can read minds, however i'm not sure that would be always a good thing if we could.
But those feelings, 100% natural. I think shit like that even when I'm not sick. Its just a yearning inside that needs to sometimes be fullfilled. Sometimes not always spoken "needs:" but I think deep-down those needs are always there, they just com eout a little more when we are not feeling our best.

Know that you are NEVER lonely. Know that there is always someone there. and know that you are definetly LOVED. Especially within our family, thats a given.

Glad you are feeling better though Sam, keep drinkin that juice and next time put a shout-out on tribe if need be!

Love ya! :)

~krys~

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 3:25 PM
silly samwise
you're right...

you ARE loved!

Ann

offline
Tue, September 19, 2006 - 3:33 PM
Boys are such big babies! : ) Hope you feel better soon.

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 4:33 PM
i feel ya
man...I don't know what I got...but I need to sleep most of time right now...sweatin...being lonely...all that shit..

I think I'm gonna have my X bring my cat over tonight...he loves to cuddle...cuddle me asleep.

~R

Ann

offline
Tue, September 19, 2006 - 4:39 PM
I heard a lot of people got sick at Burning Man this year. I was tired before midnight and would sleep and wakeup before dawn to watch the sunrises -- weird. I felt like I was coming down with something too.

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 5:15 PM
Awww Samwise.....
I know exactly what you're feeling.

And you did the right thing....blogged about that inner child, acknowledged him, and where you were when he spoke up in your head so loudly. I think it's usually when we're down in some way, physically, emotionally, or whatever....that's when the little child in us, the whiner comes forth and tries to make his needs known. We all have one..... and that inner child can prey on those things or areas of our life where we feel inadequate. Being alone is tough. But tell that inner child again, you're not really alone. You have all your tribe friends, and from what I've seen, you are very loved. So just ask, and your friends will help you out.

So glad you're feeling better,

vixxen

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 5:17 PM
That sucks when you feel like that. I guess I take my baby for granted when I am sick as she will baby me a little bit. I am sorry you were ill and I didn't know. Not that there is much I could have done from SD, but I surely would have called out the LA troops. What you needed was a big bowl of chicken soup.

Come down to BronChop's this weekend and we will all love on you.

B-D

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 6:13 PM
Glad you're feeling better!!
Hey Sam...
I'm glad you were able to write it down and get it out...that usually helps alot in getting over things. I wish I would have known you were sick...anytime you feel you need anything, be reassured you're surrounded by LOTS of people who DO LOVE YOU! Myself included. Here's my digits so you can call anytime incase there's a reaccurence sometime, or just if you want to chat, or do something fun :) Love yah Sammy...
Carly D
310.497.9393

Wed, September 20, 2006 - 12:39 AM
Thanks for getting better ... and for being aware that people show up when you ask for them. I got sick after burning man and totally was feeling what you were feeling. I also got that some people in my life aren't the touchy feelies that do that stuff. People also sometimes assume that you'd like to be left alone, so if you are feeling it, just ask for it, my friend.

New Tools... (Tribe.net) Sat, July 1, 2006 - 10:55 AM

When all you have is a hammer... Everything looks like a nail!

I spend a lot of my time seeking, learning, exploring, trying on new ways of living my life day to day...
Somethings don't work BUT unless you try them... You don't know?

Sometimes seeing or experiencing someone else doing it clues you in that that's NOT what you want to do
BUT
Sometimes it's not clear... and you wonder...

The only thing you do know is...
what you are currently doing is NOT working...
That is...
If you take the time to be AWARE and NOTICE it something YOU'RE DOING...

One tool I like is...
1) DO WHATEVER YOU DO...
2) CHECK IN TO SEE THE RESULTS YOU GET (FROM DOING WHATEVER YOU DID)...
AND
3) THEN ADJUST...
And THEN REPEAT!!! (Like Shampoo) hee hee

Most of the time...
we don't do 2)
and
we are far to brilliant (or is that INSANE) to ever do 3)

When it dawns on me... I get to get off the Hamster wheel... at least till I fall back asleep at the wheel and get back on again...

I LOVE SIMPLE TOOLS: Things that just gently, intelligently, simply move me into another thought... an exploration into something different... IF the thought I am currently having does not serve me or anyone...

My NEWEST TOOLS: (2 tools)

1) "No Circumstance Requires a Negative Conversation."

Simple: The negative conversation (I'm stupid, no one will ever love me, I'm insignificant, I'm an idiot, I'm ugly, I'll always be alone...) is NOT required... No Bad or Wrong... so I don't even have to have a negative conversation about my negative conversation... Just understand for a moment... that THEY are NOT REQUIRED...

For me... That completely removes all the weight from them...all the significance... and I seem to immediately let them go... or at least... it lightens for the moment... opening up something that wasn't available before.

2) "When you remove the Negative Conversation, what's left?"

TO ME... This is NOT a question to be answered intellectually at this moment... It's a tool to use when you are having a negative conversation... when you become aware that you are deep in it... it's running you... it's giving you your experience of life at that moment...

Just think...

Hmmm... If I removed this negative thought... Just for the fun of it... just out of curiosity... what would I be left with... what else is there under it, behind it, on either side of it, even inside it? Just exploring the REST of the space? Maybe there are some good things you are NOT seeing... Perhaps... there is NOTHING... which is really quite ZENish? Emptiness, like a blank canvas... gives you the opportunity to create something NEW...

But
whatever is LEFT...
whatever shows up when you have this conversation with yourself...

IT AIN'T NEGATIVE...

and that's all I wanted to get to anyway...

----------------- Comments ----------------

7 Comments


Sat, July 1, 2006 - 11:25 AM
Stupid question: Negative conversation with somebody else, or negative conversation with yourself?

Sat, July 1, 2006 - 2:27 PM
There are no Stupid questions...
Unless you count... "Is this a stupid... Am I being Stupid... Would I be Stupid if...?" Because Stupid is in the question... I'm just being silly and digress (as usual)

>Stupid question: Negative conversation with somebody else, or negative conversation with yourself?

Well... Let me think about it. (I'm riffing so don't hold me to it.... BUT...)

With yourself "definitely"...

With someone Else???

Well... If you are talking to someone who has NOTHING to do with the negative conversation... If it's to blow off steam WITHOUT dumping, without DEFAMING someone else... That's gonna happen and initially, if it doesn't grow beyond that initial BLOW OFF... That's ok-ish...

IF IT GROWS... That's a problem... Now, not only are you in a Negative conversation, your either INFECTING or being INFECTED by it... Language is a VIRUS... and it comes with symptoms... anger, lethargy, anxiety, exhaustion, fatigue... blah, blah, blah... Notice, when you lose a negative conversation... there is a shift in experience...

So know that not only are you fueling a negative conversation... your co-infecting the space... how icky is that!!!!

NOW... If you are bringing the negative conversation to the person you are having the negative conversation about SO AS TO TAKE ACTION... and clean it up... Then this is a positive action because the ACTION... the PURPOSE... is to clear the space.

NOW!!! This negative conversation is NOT an ATTACK OR a DUMPING... It's a revealing of what's been going on in your head... a confession... an admittance that you have been concealing something... you have NOT been authentic with yourself or others... which creates really nasty internal conflict and turmoil... This is also why you bring it out... so you aren't left with the festering boil in the bowel of you gut/mind. You do NOT defend your negative opinion, you reveal it... and NOT apologize for having it BUT apologize for NOT being open... not keeping the communication open... and then LISTEN...

NO matter what happens... you've gotten offending infection cleaned out... so you can heal.
Sat, July 1, 2006 - 8:39 PM
Hmmm that "negative conversation" thing sounds VERY familliar! :)

Sun, July 2, 2006 - 9:34 PM
preach it my brother

As usual, just what I needed to hear at an excellent time for me to hear it.

Mon, July 3, 2006 - 8:12 AM
Familiar... Hmmmm... Ain't that funny...
>(Krystal) Hmmm that "negative conversation" thing sounds VERY familliar! :)

Yup... It's called being human...

It's really simple...
we can either have a negative conversation,
a positive conversion
-OR-
NO CONVERSATION (Zen)...

BUT (Here's the human part)...

WE DON'T GET TO CHOOSE THE FIRST ONE WE GET... IT JUST HAPPENS!!! (NEG, POS, NO)
Like standing outside when if first starts to rain, it just starts to get you wet...
THEN you get to CHOOSE how long you want to stay in the rain? how wet is wet enough? what is available other than standing outside? is there an umbrella? is there shelter? is the rain warm and cleansing? is it cold and stinging? is it becoming hail? do I need to stay in the rain to experience a rainbow?...???

Without these inquiries... we just stand there and feel "This is my life... Here AGAIN in the rain..."... and stand there and stand there and stand there... Your EXPERIENCE(conversation) of life at this moment is not an accident... it is by design.

IF you don't like it... change something... alter the recipe -or- don't be surprised when you get the same cake... CHOOSE.

Tue, December 11, 2007 - 8:51 PM
So right!!!
Thanks for sharing!

Tue, December 11, 2007 - 9:03 PM
Now the trick...
Is getting it out of your head and into your heart!