There is something to be said for being comfortable... for feeling like you can relax and not have to do anything... to settle into your skin, your surroundings, your company, your environment...
That level of being safe and sound with nothing left to do... It's all good...
But...
I'm beginning to think I'm discovering a really wrong kind of comfortable... a kind of giving up... NOT the good kind of surrendering when you stop fighting what you can't change and be at peace... This is more like accepting that my fears ARE not only founded, they are just a given... This is not a concern, it is my life and my future.
What's tweaking me so much is that I am practicing a scene and a monologue in an acting class where the characters are struggling to be heard, to be acknowledged and validated... To be comforted... and they are fighting tooth and nail for their place... and they are losing...
So... I don't know how much of this is effecting me BUT chicken or the egg... I am e/affected...
(sometimes being an actor ain't the best...)
All I know is that I have fought/STRUGGLED a lot of my life to learn, to understand, to navigate my emotional social stew... and I am really good at seeing things and finding ways to move others to really good spaces... cause I needed it for myself... I try to help people feel connected and welcome and loved whenever I'm around BECAUSE I do NOT feel connected, welcome or loved...
YEA I KNOW... I am loved... But my 5 year old inner child is NOT... and he keeps kick'n me in the shins and pointing out reasons why I am not, and I'm getting comfortable in the thought that I will never be... and this is the wrong kind of comfortable...
and I guess I really DON'T know it... because verbal intellectual expressions of love don't have anything to anchor those claims to, nothing tangible in my physical world... and at those moments we are NOT spiritual and one with the ether of the universe... we are not in our right brains... we are painfully left brain processing, trying to put the pieces of information we have together, to make them into something that makes sense in the world of FORM... and the pieces don't add up to love.
And I've never been comfortable here... before... and I really NEED to be uncomfortable again real soon.
I'm just Say'n...
