WANTED...

As I sit on the bus on the way to work I feel good. I've had my coffee, thanks to my new room mate HAVING a coffee maker & setting it up to autobrew... ahhhh luxury!!! So, my chemical enhanced mode is kinda Perky! :-D



But I know how yesterday (9am~7pm) was probably one of the saddest spells I've had in years... I Blog'd about it (Silent Running), so I'm not gonna rehash it... But I don't know why, except for lack of coffee, it was so HARD yesterday.





Dec is the month I started dating, proposed and married my ex-wife... plus I am alone and this a very prominent time of year to share and experience our connection to everyone, but particularly our loved ones. These loved ones are the people in our lives who make up our base, our foundation, the people who run to us in time of need as well as joy and we run too.



I do not have anyone... I don't even have someone to think about who might some day possibly be one of these peeps... and that... without coffee... is sad.



But while, not how I expect this to continue, there is this unsettling thought that this may be it, cause I've F'd it up, up till now and no matter how much people tell me how wonderful I am, I am socially confused enough to continue to miss opportunities for a connection.



BUT... This connection is all I "WANT"... But what I think is one of the most painful aspects is not that I want and don't have... But I want to be wanted by someone I want... I want to share that giddy energy of running toward someone who is running toward me (and NOT away from someone or something else)...



I don't know what gets fed, my ego, my inner child, my hormones, my image... all of thee above... But it is a great high... and it seems to have a calming, grounding, relaxing, kinda cocky effect... and that is a powerful vibe to own.



And without it, you have "DOUBT"... Doubt that you deserve it, it will ever happen, your self-worth, your man~ness, your sexual stature... Am I a desirable being to ANYONE?



And I've been married and had other longterm relationships in my life, so I have some proof that periodically, I've been "Wanted"... But in the insanity of the mind I find myself telling myself, it was a fluke or that they had issues so they don't really count...



Where is my Cinderella? The girl who has been waiting for her prince... I've been here... Searching, awkwardly, in disguise though I don't know it, a frog or servant who is, under it all, a prince. Where is she? Woman are constantly referring to looking for their Prince but in the story ONLY Cinderella gets the prince.



Or perhaps, Cinderella is not my story, there are lots of stories where people find this amazing mate and it follows a completely different scenario?



Well, I'm at work now... interesting trip... interesting blog'n the whole way...



but as a wrap up... I think Cheap Trip said it best... "I want you to want me"



~I'm just say'n