"Friends"... NOT the final word...

-->

Now, when I say "friends", I don't mean acquaintances, I don't mean people I've had a few really good conversations with... I don't even mean people I've had LOTS of really wonderful deep conversations with...

I'm talking about people who I "LOVE", people who "LOVE" me back, people who I have had a discussion of this deep connection we have for each other and a caring of each others mutual success, health and well being in life.

This is MAJOR SHIT!!! We really don't give this status to a lot of people. It’s kinda dangerous because it leaves us REAL vulnerable. We assume our mates (or eventual mates) will be a "friend". Kinda like in the movies (or stories) where you mutually cut yourselves and mix your blood and swear a BFF pack.

Now, with this heavier burden comes an amazing package of benefits... Because what you GIVE is also what you GET!!!

Triage... (a thought in progress)

"A process in which things are ranked in terms of importance or priority"

"A process for sorting injured people into groups based on their need for or likely benefit from immediate medical treatment. Triage is used in hospital emergency rooms, on battlefields, and at disaster sites when limited medical resources must be allocated."

I feel (FEEL being the optimal word), that in my life, up till now, I have been the Triagee and NOT the Triager...

I am always in some line of people, being ranked by priority and importance.

AND not being
1) INJURED enough to really require

or
2) IMPORTANT(Bright & Shinny) enough to have people trip over themselves to offer
the attention and resources that people have to ration out...

I find myself just injured enough and cool enough to be ranked somewhere way down the pecking order... Which can really, after being in this line a long time, be really painful.

AND

Nothing Much... As I start to type... (Pains and Pangs)

Nothing much to report on today...

Just sit'n at work, having great relaxed anticipation for the weekend... BUT no Expectations...

Just wanna relax into a fun weekend...

Gonna hang with a good friend tonight, we may go out, we may just hang in... Very relaxed and casual... Which is settling... And I am looking forward to NOT having to do anything tonight.

I do a lot... and I think it's been having a toll on me (if you've read my last few blogs Comfortable , Wanted , Silent , ... they've been a tad ungrounded... )

I think the worst part is getting tired and NOT feeling like there is anymore in me (at this time) and I need to stop. All I need to do is recharge but I feel frustrated that I've gone and worn myself out and I don't see any fruits of my labor. Which can be very discouraging...

Now, I didn't say there are not seeds planted and growing, or even full grown plants, or even big honk'n fruits growing on the high branches... I'm say'n, I don't see it...

I know I'm NOT who I've been... and even more lately NOT the "me" from just a few months ago... I am transforming... and this, to me, is GREAT! AND there will be growing pains and hunger pangs... and the dredging of the pit of my past which will cause painful sediment to float to the surface. But without this disruptive scrapping of the soft tender underbelly, you can never skim the scum which floats to the top, off the surface and out of your pond.

So... I HOPE... these profoundly, soulful, searching, disruptive and pain-ful/filled spells are the dispelling of the caked on layers of my past... like the rings of a tree, as I remove them I become younger... creating a lighter, cleaner container to contain my chosen visions...

I hope...

I'm just say'n...

Comfortable... The wrong kind...

There is something to be said for being comfortable... for feeling like you can relax and not have to do anything... to settle into your skin, your surroundings, your company, your environment...

That level of being safe and sound with nothing left to do... It's all good...

But...

I'm beginning to think I'm discovering a really wrong kind of comfortable... a kind of giving up... NOT the good kind of surrendering when you stop fighting what you can't change and be at peace... This is more like accepting that my fears ARE not only founded, they are just a given... This is not a concern, it is my life and my future.

What's tweaking me so much is that I am practicing a scene and a monologue in an acting class where the characters are struggling to be heard, to be acknowledged and validated... To be comforted... and they are fighting tooth and nail for their place... and they are losing...

So... I don't know how much of this is effecting me BUT chicken or the egg... I am e/affected...
(sometimes being an actor ain't the best...)

All I know is that I have fought/STRUGGLED a lot of my life to learn, to understand, to navigate my emotional social stew... and I am really good at seeing things and finding ways to move others to really good spaces... cause I needed it for myself... I try to help people feel connected and welcome and loved whenever I'm around BECAUSE I do NOT feel connected, welcome or loved...

YEA I KNOW... I am loved... But my 5 year old inner child is NOT... and he keeps kick'n me in the shins and pointing out reasons why I am not, and I'm getting comfortable in the thought that I will never be... and this is the wrong kind of comfortable...

and I guess I really DON'T know it... because verbal intellectual expressions of love don't have anything to anchor those claims to, nothing tangible in my physical world... and at those moments we are NOT spiritual and one with the ether of the universe... we are not in our right brains... we are painfully left brain processing, trying to put the pieces of information we have together, to make them into something that makes sense in the world of FORM... and the pieces don't add up to love.

And I've never been comfortable here... before... and I really NEED to be uncomfortable again real soon.

I'm just Say'n...

WANTED...

As I sit on the bus on the way to work I feel good. I've had my coffee, thanks to my new room mate HAVING a coffee maker & setting it up to autobrew... ahhhh luxury!!! So, my chemical enhanced mode is kinda Perky! :-D



But I know how yesterday (9am~7pm) was probably one of the saddest spells I've had in years... I Blog'd about it (Silent Running), so I'm not gonna rehash it... But I don't know why, except for lack of coffee, it was so HARD yesterday.

Silent Running...

I have a grumbling Sadness in my heart...

Quiet can be lovely...

or

It can reveal that constant ache, that thorn, that open wound that has been bleeding for so long, you've learned to bare it, since you don't know how to heal it... You figure if it doesn't get any worse and it hasn't killed me... I guess it's not that bad...

But... Like cancer... It may be killing you... only real slowly... at first...

or

perhaps it's slowly driving you mad like Chinese water torture...

Or some other colorful artistic poet piece of pretentiousness I can regurgitate at this moment...

It's just kinda sad, feeling that if you admit you are sad, out loud... (and really, it's about being lonely), that you are going to scare off someone healthy, because being sad kinda makes you unhealthy...

OR

being sad will attract people looking to take care of someone...

OR

being sad will OBLIGATE people in your life to be nice to you cause they would be BAD PEOPLE is they didn't...

So you now create this pressure situation...

So, you attempt to drown it out with anything LOUD!!!, hoping that one day, when it's quite, it just wont be there... That it healed WHILE the noise was RAGING and you are just HEALTHY!!!

And for me it comes down to... I don't have someone who cares about ME... I know I have a lot of people who care about me BUT I'm talking about ME!!! That I am the most important person in their lives (beside themselves)... and they are the most important person in mine (besides myself).

There is a strength, described in the Peter Gabriel Song "In Your Eyes"(Which I proposed to my ex-wife to)... that you get when you have someone else to connect with...




















love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

























I don't have a place to come back to...
I don't have a time with someone to keep me awake and alive...

And there are days I "DOUBT" that I ever will... and that is sad...

But... sometimes we are just so afraid to admit and announce our fear and pain... fearing that will only make it even worse and we'll lose the little comfort we do get... so we stay...

silent

Hollywood & Western & Philosophy

While leaving my sick friend Reecy's place after sharing some soup, attention & affection I left for home on the Red line... She sent me off in her super hero sweatshirt "Girl of Redundancy Girl".

I had left home that morning thinking the previous days temperature would mimic today's (WRONG)... With all the ways of finding out simple things like temperature and the ability to blog from your cellphone the fact I GUESSED weather is really asinine!

So I left home in shorts, a t-shirt & sandals.

As I descended into the underworld of LA, it struck me how interesting the subway is visually... Hollywood does not resemble a city, like NY or Chicago, so as you are transported lower and lower under the city, you feel as if you are entering a whole other world... ESPECIALLY @ nite.

So I paused, missed a train or 2, wandering and exploring this other world...

the clean lines, the dirty people, the colorful yellows and the dingy muted pastels, blacks, white and grays...

We live in one big art installation... and we are both observers and fodder for this collage... If we drill down and take the time to scan through the overlapping layers we find "ourselves"... and if we are aware, we are looking back.

Yesterday
is Gone.
Tomorrow
Never Comes.
Today is what
we have.
Struggle.
Persevere.
And Progress.

I'm a cog in a macine whose purpose is 2 make cogs, a puzzle piece that fits by accident, matching cause my colors have faded

The Dollar...

I had a good friend the other day...
speak'n life stuff...
mentioned that you need to NOT be attached to the Dollars you offer...

So as you offer people in your life $1,
it should have NO effect whether they accept it or not...

He said his life changed when he stopped offering things with a emotional attachment...
which was really BUYING not offering...

BUT the biggest idea came when he said...
I DON'T WALK AROUND WITH THE DOLLAR OUT... I don't even think about it... I just have a life... and during regular interactions... It may occur to me that this person seems to be in need of a dollar... oh, and I have one... and then I offer it... very casually with no weight to it... offer it... and then they either take it or not...

No WEIGHT placed on THEM to take it...
No WEIGHT on my side if they accept it...
It's just a dollar that I have...

THIS WAS PROFOUND FOR ME...
I walk around with the DOLLAR OUT A LOT!!!

I am learning to not hoard it but also...
to NOT feel the need to display it...
there will be an appropriate time for me to offer my worth...
and I will decide that...

Twitter... (The NEW Red Blinking Lite on your Answering Machine)

I kinda noticed that I look forward to being twittered...
*( If you DON'T KNOW WHAT TWITTER IS... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twitter )*

Kinda like... Coming home (in the olden days) and noticing the Red Blinking Lite on my Answering machine...

"SOMEBODY WANTED ME WHEN I WAS AWAY!!!"

-or-

no blink...
"OH WELL, No One cares about me today"...

But

Then you read the text -or- listen to the message and it's either a ABC7 News update or telemarketer... AT LEAST on TWITTER, you can decide who's Stati you will receive and which ones get forwarded to your mobile...

But there is a LOT of fluff... and NOT a lot specific to me... BUT still, often I get to hear the mini-thoughts, the mini-moments of friends...

So it is a little bit special... Kinda... until you realize they just whispered this missive to 60-6000 peeps...

You just have to keep that perspective... NOT to respond EVERY TIME you read a Twitter from a friend BECAUSE it's more like a shout to a group rather than a whisper to you...

But still...

Sometimes...
It's kinda nice to be shouted at...
by a friend...

The Pavlovian Response... The Dog Didn't Always Salivate... and Not all Dogs Salivate... To the Same Bell...

Why do we FEEL/ReAct the way we do?

We have these immediate, intense, automatic, visceral, sometimes deeply wrenching feelings... and then we have these physical reactions... and then we have our actions/reactions...

We know better, we've felt it before, we know that it has lead to BAD things... BUT we STILL do them.

WHY?

Because NOT responding in step, the way we've reacted before ISN'T AUTOMATIC, it IS EFFORT-FUL!!! No matter how much effort we expend repeating the action that we KNOW in our head, heart and bones is a BAD IDEA...

We LIKE a PLAN,

even a BAD plan is better than no plan at all (we feel). And without a replacement plan in place... We take the path we know, EVEN when we KNOW (intellectually) it's a bad idea.

Also... without another plan... if we DON'T initiate the OLD PLAN... we will sit in this limbo state, wondering what to do AND keep reconsidering the OLD PLAN.

The DOG DOESN'T CHOOSE TO SALIVATE... and We don't choose to feel and react...

So guess what, the bell rings and WE SALIVATE!!!

Someone does something that triggers/stimulates a mental and emotional response which manifests physically...

Now...
there are issues massaging out the kinks, the automatic reactions, that you want changed...

The issues are, we have to:

1) be aware that this response is NOT YOU, but an automatic reaction... the fact that the dog SALIVATES is not the DOG.... But the dog doesn't know that... BUT WE DO... or at least we CAN know it. We can check in and see if we are having an authentic -or- an automatic reaction... and decide to look into making another PLAN... Because we need to follow something, some plan, some program. So trying to ignore a bad, obsolete, ineffective, program/reaction/habit/plan does NOT reprogram it... and in that case, it will always be there, available to be activated.

2) have people around you that don't destroy you for SALIVATING... upset that you get emotional, react automatically, NOT react the way they'd like you to... that's like being angry at the dog for SALIVATING... They don't have to like it but they also don't have to HATE/JUDGE the you for it.

WE need to understand that we are all DRUG/CHEMICAL/STIMULUS beings... open, waiting and typically WANTING/LONGING to be effected.

We are constantly in a state of RECEIVING the NEXT input to move us from the current state to the next.

Whether you TAKE a drug or have the body produce a chemical, we are ALWAYS in ONE STATE of mind, OPEN TO ANOTHER STATE of mind, from some external stimuli.

SO!!!
How much of this stimuli can we self generate?
How much input can we filter, so as to NOT react the way we learned as a child to react because WE ARE NOT at that state of being anymore.

I have a very good friend who told me a few years back:
"I was noticing my automatic response to fear, and it seems I want to run "FROM" things that I fear... and I thought... how interesting it was... My physical reaction to choose "THAT" particular "DIRECTION"... What would happen, if I, as an intellectual exercise, chose to run "TOWARD" what I fear. NOT to be brave or have any other reason, but just to change the direction."

THAT, TO ME, IS BRILLIANT!!! So simple, and yet so amazingly transformational!!!

Something SIMPLE like this, in a really short period of time, can completely alter your experience of life and transform your world.

I was talking to another friend about making simple but DRAMATIC shifts in processing your world... and told him the concept of "It's MY Movie"... Not only am I the Writer, Producer and Director (of my life), I cast the darn thing. So besides being able to take more charge of the STORY (and the cast), I get to notice how I CAST myself. Am I the side kick, the next door neighbor, the dark knight, the misunderstood brooding poet... THE VICTIM... or am I the HERO!!! and If I have NOT cast myself as the HERO in MY MOVIE... WHY NOT???

I spoke with this friend a few months after this conversation, he said he had shared this with a friend of his... SHE was DRAMATICALLY effected by the concept... "Oh SHIT, I've been the Damsel in Distress... My whole LIFE!!!" He said, the conversation had a profound impact on her, shifting her reaction to the world, the stimuli, as if she were the HERO in her LIFE (HER MOVIE).

So,
I guess you can CHANGE your REACTION to the STIMULI
and
You can change WHO YOU ARE that is receiving the STIMULI.

AND EVEN WITH ALL THIS...
NO MATTER HOW MUCH WORK YOU DO...
You never know when you are going to SALIVATE???

Micro Blogging... and Texting in General... Thoughts... (1st Official BLog Here)

I Micro Blogged (Twittered) this...

Wow... Twitter... How it "can" change your reception... They're perception...

And was asked "IS everything OK"...

My Reply... (and I'll edit/add to this blog...)

Well...

I was noticing how MICRO BLOGGING creates a very interesting social dynamic...

It's like little random thought bubbles being broadcast... even to a small group (30 twitter followers)...

the info gets disseminated, dissected and discussed... and it flavors the way you have occurred for those people and the way they occur for you...

BUT it's NOT TRUE conversation... it's snippets, which could be a rogue moment which, since it's NOT in person, not a real one on one connection, MUST be interpreted...

and then people form THEIR understanding of you (and you of them) based on some very tiny and cryptic scribed hiccups...

I'm just say'n... Not complain'n... Just a thought, an observation...

----- Addendum 1 10/28/08-----

So... Do NOT... stop yourself from communicating, sharing in snippets... Limited to 140ish characters BUT DO understand that peeps who don't know you (well... and even those who do)... may be massaging their opinions of you based on these snippets and if you ONLY Micro Blog when your in a UNIQUE space... a certain MOOD... some may ONLY have this info to go by... So don't be surpriesed when people see you and COMMENT on your Micro-Mood!!!

Just like a statement spewed in anger... once it is released... it can not be put back in it's cage!!!

----- Addendum 1 10/28/08 2:52 pm-----

Oh... One of the reasons I had this THOUGHT... was I've had people comment about "HOW are you"... and "You've been going though a rough period..." kinda comments... and realized... OH MY... I'm "sharing" a lot of random mood swings with a LOT of random people...

Sometimes it's really GOOD, letting the CAT out of the bad (yes, BAD) ... not letting it fester... having people who can relate to you, calling or just offering you their pathos and empathy...

BUT... there are times that this can create an IMAGE... of issues... which can diminish/taint (I said taint! hee hee) how you would like to be received in the community...

So, you have to OWN, be RESPONSIBLE for your words... and how they GIVE you the canvas that you can paint on in your community...

SO SHARE WISE-LY!!!

Sam(the Occasionally)Wise

How do we Listen??? Do we Listen??? How do we Care??? Do we Care??? Is it about You, Me or We??? (Tribe.net) Wed, October 1, 2008 - 4:41 PM

[This is out of a conversation/Face book back and forth message I was having with a friend, it has been edited and addendum'd and re-written BUT the original thought was expressed in an email]

[Generalization... BUT hear the idea NOT the Generalization]

...I find a HUGE thing about MEN/WOMAN is MEN typically do not VENT to VENT, they VENT to work things out (They look for a way to NOT feel the way they are feeling...) They don't share UNTIL they are looking to work on it.

WOMAN will just VENT, looking for agreement, understanding and sympathy for their situation and their emotions attached to that situation.

NEITHER is WRONG...

It's just a different process...

Where there is an issue is between the sexes...

This issue is:
MEN listen like MEN and WOMAN listen like WOMAN... from THEIR perspective....

I have learned (and am learning) that when a WOMAN blogs... EVEN IF IT'S A SPECIFIC ISSUE... It's typically a VENT, she may just want to be heard... and want to continue in her own space... Working through it herself...

IF I (as a MAN) BLOG/SHARE publicly (UNLESS IT'S AN OBVIOUS RANT!!!) I WANT HELP... I don't think most WOMAN realize that. Men are kinda stoic, self-contained, trying to work it out for themselves and understand... If they get to a point where they are SHARING, they've taken a leap out of their space and are looking to take it on... move out of it!

NOW!!!

I'm cool about getting more savvy about picking up what people as individuals need when they communicate...

BUT...

I don't always know how to communicate what I need... LIKE... When I say I'm upset, or lonely, or anxious... This is my way of saying... I FEEL CRAPPY!!! Anyone wanna get a BEER!!! Hmmm... I guess from now on... I'm gonna say I FEEL CRAPPY!!! ANYONE WANNA GET A BEER!!!

duh... (that Solved...?)

>>>> Continuing from later on in the correspondence >>>>

I've been studying woman and just general human social dynamics since my separation/divorce 6 years ago... (prior to that more of individual dynamics, how people work ALONE - not in relationship) and realize how much you have to GET the persons vision of the world to communicate fully with them (Seek first to understand, then to be understood)...

I see a LOT of how I've been trying to understand woman and just social dynamics in general is from MY perspective... which explains why it doesn't work... Whether it's genetic, hormonal, sexual, status, ethics, aesthetics, religion or WHAT... I see that because of our differences we are TREATED differently causing us to have very different experiences of life... even when the environments are the same... It's our context that gives us our interpretation and reaction...

And I'm seeing things I've never seen before... both wonderful and frustrating...

I have met a LOT of MEN on this journey... And have had some fascinating conversations and experiences...

BUT...

lately I've been a bit frustrated with the lack of woman who TRY to understand WHY a man is coming from where he's coming from...

He's not just STUPID...

You shouldn't make him a project, try to fix him... ain't your job!!! BUT an overall curiosity of what could be the foundation of his behavior.

AND THEN BACK TO OURSELVES...

What is the foundation of our own behavior and WHAT patterns we've been repeating with really CRAPPY results...

AND

HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE MORE EFFECTIVELY...
... to get all our needs met, nurtured and respected!
WHILE STILL SERVING OTHERS
... getting their needs met, nurtured and respected!
(and they will do the same for us)

Hmmmm....

PERHAPS WE JUST NEED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT SERVICE... AND JUST BE AWARE WHEN WE ARE NOT BEING SERVED...
Take your attention off yourself and your needs will be met... Very Burning Man... No Expectations... Just GIVE... and Receive Graciously.

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 4:41 PM

-------------------- Comments -------------------

5 Comments

Moose!

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 6:19 PM I love the way you write! ...because it sounds just exactly like the way you talk. I can "hear" you reading this blog aloud to me, in my head! (yes, Samwise, you live in my head! at least a small part of you does.) :) I'm not sure I understand your main point--let me take a crack at it? (before I have to run up to a Bday party in LA) You are feeling a bit frustrated by communication glitches, particularly between the sexes. Perhaps you are just starting a dialogue about this topic?? I totally agree with you: A partner is NOT a fixer-upper. If you want one of those, buy real estate!! gotta run! much love to you my friend.

Keit...

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 6:20 PM Thanks! Just what I needed to hear today. Or, were you asking for help? ;-)

Joan...

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 8:19 PM Hark the Herald Sexes Sing...I agree on all fronts. I can really also appreciate a man who can receive a good vent without reacting and/or needing or wanting to change my feelings. It just leads to more venting and displaced anger onto him. You are really right about the way the sexes process things. You might be very interested in one of my blogs on tribe called "DMT & Eros:" a woman's perspective, of course. It is very important we understand how the other side deals with things to start to meet in the middle and/or achieve balance, giving, receiving, etc. Right on with the selfless giving. The imbalanced aspect of this however CAN result in martyrdumb if unchecked.

Cats...

Thu, October 2, 2008 - 11:00 AM It's funny, because in my own anecdotal research, it's the women who endlessly attempt to figure out what the men are locking away in stoic silence. I guess it all depends on your sample population...... I've talked to many men who confess what their wives and girlfriends already know: that they tune their women out, hearing only the peanuts cartoon teacher voice: wah wah wah waaahh. I do believe that we have gender-based differences in relating style, but that becomes a chicken/egg story. Did the patriarchy stomp out men's ability to relate holistically the way women do? Or did men's natural strengths in compartmentalizing and focusing on pure reason to the exclusion of emotion shape the patriarchy? either way, i look at all of us as suffering some degree of collateral damage. Raising a sensitive boy in this culture is one hell of a balancing act, i tell you! Raising a teen daughter is hair-raising, too! How does anyone grow up with sane identities in this enormous endless high school drama that we call american life? delete this comment

Samwise

Thu, October 2, 2008 - 12:10 PM To cat... Ahh there it is... "it's the women who endlessly attempt to figure out what the men are locking away in stoic silence. " I'm NOT talking about their stoic silence... I'm talking about when they open their mouths... AND Woman TRY to figure it out... When they are silent, they are processing... Unlike woman (generalization) who process out loud... "that they tune their women out, hearing only the peanuts cartoon teacher voice: wah wah wah waaahh." that's because a lot of the way woman process out loud... And men do that internally... until they either come up with a direction -or- ask for help... awkwardly... BUT if a guy is talking... he probably is looking for help and guidance... WHEN THEY OPEN THEIR MOUTHS THERE IS NOTHING TO "FIGURE OUT" !!! STOP TRYING TO INTERPRET MEN!!! IF THEY TALK, MOST LIKELY, THEY ARE SAYING WHATS GOING ON!!! My Ex-wife talked to a female good friend of mine(NOT ANY MORE) for over a year about her unhappiness with her life and ALL she did was LISTEN for a year... Didn't give her advice, didn't tell me, just let her get deeper into unhappiness and depression UNTIL she left me... When I asked her why she hadn't told me -or- looked in anyway to help her friend NOT be miserable, she said, it was not place... and she felt it was in confidence between the two woman... and she just wanted to be there to support her... LOOK... I get listening for someone to vent and talk through things BUT A YEAR... is not supportive... IT'S HEARTLESS... how could anyone watch someone suffer for a year!!! OK SORRY... MY VENT... Back on track... Chicken/Egg... Don't matter... It's the social skeletal at the moment... What is Sensitivity? Sensitive... to me... is AGAIN one of the habits of highly effective people... "Seek first to understand, then to be understood..." REALLY HARD when you are programed to do things EITHER FOR OWN NEEDS -or- for others because you WANT THEM TO LIKE YOU!!! Which is FOR YOUR OWN NEEDS!!! Burning Man has a very interesting experience... WHEN you let go and experience it... It's all about service, giving, focus on others needs... AND you are the "OTHERS" for others, so you get your needs met... NOT WANTS!!! But NEEDS!!! You GET an opportunity to accept and try what is offered... Graciously... AND you are grateful for the opportunity... IF YOU GET IT... WHEN YOU GET IT... Before slipping back into the default world mentality...

Blast from my Musical Past... Circa 1983... SO MANY DREAMS (Tribe.net) Mon, August 11, 2008 - 11:32 AM

I probably wrote this circa 1980 and played it in a few bands
BUT this is the Version I just found on cassette and have spent 3 hours...
Figuring out how to get it digitized...
then mp3 it...
and then loaded up to the Internet (and my mp3 player)...

Odd how the universe works...
I saw someones poetry online...
Thought...
Hey, what were the lyrics to that song I wrote & played in those band...
Hey, I'll try to put them in a word document...
Damn... what were they???,
Hey, I'll see If that OLD cassette is around...
Hey, It's the first tape I find...
Hey, I should digitize this...
Hey, I think I can digitize this... (I LOVE MY NOTEBOOK AND Wireless Internet!)
Hey, I think I'll put this up on the net!

And so you have it....

(Pardon the simplicity of the lyrics at times... I was 18)
(I'm doing keyboard and both the lead and background vocals... I had a YAMAHA 4 track!!! :-O WOW!!!)

So Many Dreams

LYRICS:

(a)
The night is young, I sit alone, with my mind
…and I think what bad company I keep…
The night is done, I sit at home, one more time,
…and I think that I shall never get to sleep…

CHORUS:
For there’re so many dreams
I have to make true
and I’ve done my time
of being blue
I’ve sat back and schemed
I fantasize too
and I’ll make them work
and so can you

(a)
No one seems to ever mind, that I’m here
but do they know, really who I am
No one seems to find the time to be sincere
and no one tries to truly understand

(b)
That I want to be with those I feel like
Those that make me smile and feel right
So deep I feel this smile inside me
This worm and happy force that guides me

(c)
Just one small chance, Just unlock the door
that’s all I want, I won’t ask for more
All I want is, Is that you understand
All I want is, It that you know that I am

(a)
There are times I’ll take the time to “LOOK AT ME”
I try so hard to make them look and see
Now I have reason and rhyme, I need no one
I put myself, second next to none

(d)
I’ve spent my life, trying to give myself away
I’ve spent my life, Looking for words just right to say
Now I think that, I’m gonna try some different ways
Now I think that, I’ll make myself those brighter days

(a)
Time goes by as I perform, for myself
No one buys a ticket to my show
Feelings fly as I write songs, for the shelf
It’s OK, soon everyone will know

Chorus:
That there’re so many dream
I had to make true
And I need myself
Much more than you
I sit back and scheme
I fantasize too
and I’ll make it work
with or without you

For there're so many dreams
I had to made true
and I’ve done my time
of being blue
I’ve sat back and schemed
I fantasized too
and I’ve made them work
and so can you…

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 11:32 AM

------------------------- Comments -----------------------

1 Comment

Buck...

Wed, August 13, 2008 - 8:38 PM The song and your hair are very Beatle-esque! Keep rocking Samwise!!!

Ok... Kodak commercials and Sappy Broadway show tunes... :*( [MORE CONFESSIONS OF A THEATRE FAG] (Tribe.net) Sun, August 10, 2008 - 4:56 PM

This song was in a show at my theatre (The Mark Taper Forum) called "13"
and it's a story about turning 13 and dealing with the (normal) stuff you go through, and just dealing with friends, fitting in, school and stuff.

But this SONG pains me, makes my cry...
Between the song, the arrangement and the AMAZING voice on this 15 year old girl...

It kinda reminds me of god spell... I AM SO FAGGY!!!

What it means to be a friend

Sun, August 10, 2008 - 4:56 PM

--------------- Comments -------------------

2 Comments

Carl...

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 10:09 AM You crack me up Sam :)

Samwise

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 11:43 AM Crack up... Just putt'n it out there... ;-) Quirky little hobbit that I am...

Body Lab... Experiment - Start Date 08/04/08 - Current Date 08/09/08 (Tribe.nt) Sat, August 9, 2008 - 8:42 AM

I'm trying some radical changes in food...

But is it so Radical?

I continue to choose to enjoy my vices... caffeine, alcohol and other things... on a moment to moment basis...

BUT I choose to change my regular gluttonous and unthoughtful eating intake...

So... since 08/04/08... I've been living on Protein Shakes, coffee and alcohol... :-O

:-D

Down about 7 lbs in 6 days...

GorgJosh (That's how I spell it, Rather than the Presidential Ticket - Gore-Josh) has suggested FIBER... His suggestion, oatmeal and Whole Wheat Bread with Peanut butter... Man after 5 days... 1 slice, folded over some Peanut Butter was AMAZING!!!

Also added Wheat Germ to my apple juice, Frozen Strawberry, protein Powder shakes...

And Josh also got me on Omega 3 Fish Oil (doin 1200ml/3 times a day) and some One a Day MALE Vitamins)

NOW... AS I go to a wedding today... I plan to enjoy it... Kinda like my vices... SO... I'll EAT... BUT I do not plan on stopping my Lab... Just NOT being tough on myself BUT am trying to be more FOCUSED and CHOOSE more... Most of the time my MOOD chooses (which is my emotions/Ego) or my PAST chooses (Habit and Ritual) or THE food CHOOSES (It LOOKS good, Smells good, is FREE, Is convenient). ALL of these are CRAPPY reasons to put something in your mouth. (Insert your OWN joke... I'll wait...... ...... ...... ...... ......)

When you use these reasons, unless you are being REALLY aware... you probably are eating things that are NOT fulfilling the true purpose of eating... NOURISHMENT and FUEL. And this wonderful experience turns into just another VICE... a FIX... a temporary stimuli to make you feel ANYTHING but the way you are CURRENTLY feeling... And from the past, when we've done these things... it's usually better... OR it was better ONE TIME... and we are trying to get that feeling BACK... that's why we repeat the pattern OVER and OVER and OVER... (Wow, I just got that...)

For the time being... I'm going to stop the insanity... and be EXTREME... Just while I recalibrate...
or perhaps...
It's not that extreme...
USE RECREATIONAL VICES ONLY RECREATIONLLY,
when YOU choose freely...
and CHOOSE to put them where they belong in your life NOT everywhere...

(That also kinda makes their use actually kinda Special!!! Kinda? I think it's the caffeine... hee hee)

P.S. Exercise to follow... I KNOW, I KNOW... But let me change ONE neural pathway at a time... GEEEZE!!!

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 8:42 AM

------------------ Comments -------------------

6 Comments

Cats...

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 8:49 AM I am working on this, too....trying to be mindful about when and why I go on drinking binges. Sometimes giving myself permission to do so (when all my ducks are in a row and it will be harmless.) Everything in the world is a Medicine--food, drugs, people, activities, thoughts, even opinions and attitudes are Medicine. It's a matter of harmonizing them and balancing them. Thanks for another great blog!

Robin

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 9:43 AM Why don't you just finish it off... Hey there is a piece with your name on it.... I got this for you..... Lets go eat something.... Its hard to say NO sometimes but these are the things that make me go over my calorie limit. It takes me a long time and although I've dropped about 16 pounds it has taken months. Good work Sam! I'll see you at the wedding as well and I guess its one of those times when I have to have a small piece of cake. It feels so much better to be healthy at a manageable mass and the obsession at my age with all the weights, hiking and yoga, flexibility.

Moose! 306

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 1:22 PM Sam, I truly have no idea what to make of this diet you're on..... I really don't. I have all sorts of conflicting thoughts about it. Some are really positive & thinking it's cool! Some a little worried for you-- but what's important is, I doubt you'll harm yourself; and YOU'RE happy. Those things of course matter waaaaay more than any judgment I might make. But the gist of my comment here is-- I LOVE reading what you write! It's so YOU! I can totally hear you speaking in my head as I read this. (and no, there's not any medicine for that; and no, I don't want any anyway!) I wish you'd write blogs about your thoughts & experiences, more often!! One thing that DOES worry me terribly-- Did you notice, in the photo you have posted along with this blog-- Your spine isn't straight! Technically, you have scoliosis. (Believe me, I know all about scoliosis, after my skating crash.) And your lungs are black!! But man, that diet sure has muscled you up. And look how happy you are! You're glowing! See why my reviews of your diet are so mixed??!

Yair	Sat, August 9, 2008 - 2:45 PM Go vegan - trust me, taking meat off your diet will be a great relief for your body!

Samwise

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 3:26 PM VeganSkater & Yair!!! VS... You made my protein shake come out my nose!!! AND It's really THINK!!! Yair... The protein in my shake is BEEF!!! (That's how I get it really think and frothy!)

Kaizen

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 5:20 AM Lose the alcohol....... especially if you're not consuming much else. Your liver will thank you.

The Pit... (Tribe.net) Fri, August 8, 2008 - 5:58 PM

Day 1:
I Walk down a road, fall into pit, it's dark and frightening,
I scream, I yell, I cry, I kick, I scratch, I claw, I climb and
eventually find my way out...
I look back at the hole and damn it.
and continue on...

Day 2:
I Walk down the same road, fall into the same pit,
it's dark and frightening but familiar,
I scream, I yell, I cry, I kick, I scratch, I claw, I climb BUT not as long as the first time and
find my way out...
I look back at the hole and damn it..., but not quite as energetic...
and continue on...

Day 3:
I Walk down the same road, notice the hole, try to avoid it, BUT fall into the same pit anyway,
it's dark and annoying but familiar,
I scream, I yell, I cry, but mostly out of frustration, I kick, I scratch, I claw out of righteousness, I climb BUT am becoming familiar with the foot and hand holds, and though there is effort, I climb out with great focus and
find my way out...
I look back at the hole and damn MYSELF...,
and continue on...

Day 4:
I Walk down the same road, notice the hole, try to walk completely around it, BUT can't take my eyes off it and fall into the same pit anyway,
it's dark, but my eyes adjust very quickly,
I mumble under my breath mostly out of self annoyance and the stupidity of the world, I climb AND am QUITE familiar with the foot and hand holds, and with only minimal effort, I climb fairly quickly and
find my way out...
I look back at the hole and shrug my shoulders...,
and continue on...

Day 5:
I Walk down the same road, notice the hole, walk completely around it, BUT turn around and peer down it fascinated and fall into the pit anyway,
it's dark, but this is not an issue, my eyes don't even need to adjust to start my ascent,
I pontificate loudly to myself and any passer by, how you can't avoid these pits, it's just the way it is, I quickly climb out, with little effort and
find my way out...
I glance back at the hole and raise one eyebrow...,
and continue on...

Day 6:
I Walk down the same road, aim right for the hole, JUMP into it,
it's dark and comfortable, I muse at the dirt and rock and things in the pit that have fallen in and take my time, I leisurely start to leave,
I have nothing to say, I just climb out, with expert speed and
KNOW my way out...
I continue on without looking back...,
and continue on...

Day 7:
I CHOOSE A DIFFERENT ROAD!!!

Fri, August 8, 2008 - 5:58 PM

---------------- Comments ----------------

7 Comments

Kami...

Fri, August 8, 2008 - 6:04 PM *KK moves to next street. Digs new pit* Hey! Sam!! Over here!!! KK

Arell

Fri, August 8, 2008 - 6:19 PM Sometimes I think that I go lookin' for a pit...

Samwise

Fri, August 8, 2008 - 8:56 PM Looking for the pit... (Arell) That's Somewhere between Day 4 & 6... For so MANY silly reasons... -To prove it's NOT a pit, -to prove that it's not a BAD pit, -to show that I wasn't DUMB and it was INTENTIONAL that I chose that pit, -to justify the LAST pit, -to CHANGE the pit To name a few... Don't avoid the road, which puts attention on it (and takes effort), LEARN that there are an infinite number of roads AND a FINITE amount of time. If a choice doesn't work, then choose to learn, be wise, and choose again... And share the path... a MAP can be a life/time saver...

K-	Sat, August 9, 2008 - 4:29 AM :)

Cats...

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 8:42 AM My day 7 (I hope): I walk down the road, gazing up at the pretty sky. Staring at the wildflowers, I skip jauntily along. Eventually, I realize I'm halfway down the road, and I haven't seen that pit I used to keep falling into. I squint my eyes to locate it back down the trail, and can't discern it from the pattern of light and shadows thrown by the flowers and foliage. I smile, and skip the rest of the way..... Until a new obstacle starts the cycle again! Yeehaw! Thanks for the poem, Samwise! Really made me think this morning.

Kaizen 9

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 5:17 AM "And why do we fall?"........... "And why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." Thomas Wayne

Samwise

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 7:54 AM But... Why do we fall again??? Because... we didn't learn... -or- We are addicted to the struggle...

I am such a Theatre FAG!!! Spring Awakening... (Tribe) Fri, July 25, 2008 - 1:23 PM

...is giving me chills... and tearing me up... and I'm just watching it on YouTube...

www.youtube.com/watch

www.youtube.com/watch

I really miss (yearn for) GOOD Powerful theatre... (Not just trite or pretensious)
and this show is Painfully Good...
Based on a banned Play written in Germany in 1890 about teenage pain, confusion, sexuality and suicide...

I have NOT seen it but it will be in town (downtown LA) October 29 - December 7, 2008
Center Theatre Group Spring Awakening
(The damn music in the Promo is giving me chills and making me tear up...)

Maybe I'm just going thru Man-opause...

All I know is I miss being moved by something on stage and BEING on stage moving others...

We all need to go see this show... Multiple times...

Story:
www.springawakening.com/pop-fu...ory.htm

Fri, July 25, 2008 - 1:23 PM

--------------- Comments ---------------

2 Comments

Amanda 93

Fri, July 25, 2008 - 1:37 PM Let's go! My man was a serious theater *ahem* fag in high school and I bet he'd love to get out and see a show. I would! let's call it a date for sometime in fall.

Corinne 42

Sat, July 26, 2008 - 1:37 PM I'm a theatre fag too!!! It just feels so good to come out. I'm a theatre FAG and I'm PROUD!!! BTW I'd love to go see the show with you. XOXO, Corinne