[Generalization... BUT hear the idea NOT the Generalization]
...I find a HUGE thing about MEN/WOMAN is MEN typically do not VENT to VENT, they VENT to work things out (They look for a way to NOT feel the way they are feeling...) They don't share UNTIL they are looking to work on it.
WOMAN will just VENT, looking for agreement, understanding and sympathy for their situation and their emotions attached to that situation.
NEITHER is WRONG...
It's just a different process...
Where there is an issue is between the sexes...
This issue is:
MEN listen like MEN and WOMAN listen like WOMAN... from THEIR perspective....
I have learned (and am learning) that when a WOMAN blogs... EVEN IF IT'S A SPECIFIC ISSUE... It's typically a VENT, she may just want to be heard... and want to continue in her own space... Working through it herself...
IF I (as a MAN) BLOG/SHARE publicly (UNLESS IT'S AN OBVIOUS RANT!!!) I WANT HELP... I don't think most WOMAN realize that. Men are kinda stoic, self-contained, trying to work it out for themselves and understand... If they get to a point where they are SHARING, they've taken a leap out of their space and are looking to take it on... move out of it!
NOW!!!
I'm cool about getting more savvy about picking up what people as individuals need when they communicate...
BUT...
I don't always know how to communicate what I need... LIKE... When I say I'm upset, or lonely, or anxious... This is my way of saying... I FEEL CRAPPY!!! Anyone wanna get a BEER!!! Hmmm... I guess from now on... I'm gonna say I FEEL CRAPPY!!! ANYONE WANNA GET A BEER!!!
duh... (that Solved...?)
>>>> Continuing from later on in the correspondence >>>>
I've been studying woman and just general human social dynamics since my separation/divorce 6 years ago... (prior to that more of individual dynamics, how people work ALONE - not in relationship) and realize how much you have to GET the persons vision of the world to communicate fully with them (Seek first to understand, then to be understood)...
I see a LOT of how I've been trying to understand woman and just social dynamics in general is from MY perspective... which explains why it doesn't work... Whether it's genetic, hormonal, sexual, status, ethics, aesthetics, religion or WHAT... I see that because of our differences we are TREATED differently causing us to have very different experiences of life... even when the environments are the same... It's our context that gives us our interpretation and reaction...
And I'm seeing things I've never seen before... both wonderful and frustrating...
I have met a LOT of MEN on this journey... And have had some fascinating conversations and experiences...
BUT...
lately I've been a bit frustrated with the lack of woman who TRY to understand WHY a man is coming from where he's coming from...
He's not just STUPID...
You shouldn't make him a project, try to fix him... ain't your job!!! BUT an overall curiosity of what could be the foundation of his behavior.
AND THEN BACK TO OURSELVES...
What is the foundation of our own behavior and WHAT patterns we've been repeating with really CRAPPY results...
AND
HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE MORE EFFECTIVELY...
... to get all our needs met, nurtured and respected!
WHILE STILL SERVING OTHERS
... getting their needs met, nurtured and respected!
(and they will do the same for us)
Hmmmm....
PERHAPS WE JUST NEED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT SERVICE... AND JUST BE AWARE WHEN WE ARE NOT BEING SERVED...
Take your attention off yourself and your needs will be met... Very Burning Man... No Expectations... Just GIVE... and Receive Graciously.
Wed, October 1, 2008 - 4:41 PM
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5 Comments | |
| Wed, October 1, 2008 - 6:19 PM I love the way you write! ...because it sounds just exactly like the way you talk. I can "hear" you reading this blog aloud to me, in my head!(yes, Samwise, you live in my head! at least a small part of you does.) :) I'm not sure I understand your main point--let me take a crack at it? (before I have to run up to a Bday party in LA) You are feeling a bit frustrated by communication glitches, particularly between the sexes. Perhaps you are just starting a dialogue about this topic?? I totally agree with you: A partner is NOT a fixer-upper. If you want one of those, buy real estate!! gotta run! much love to you my friend. |
| Wed, October 1, 2008 - 6:20 PM Thanks! Just what I needed to hear today. Or, were you asking for help? ;-) |
| Wed, October 1, 2008 - 8:19 PM Hark the Herald Sexes Sing...I agree on all fronts. I can really also appreciate a man who can receive a good vent without reacting and/or needing or wanting to change my feelings. It just leads to more venting and displaced anger onto him. You are really right about the way the sexes process things. You might be very interested in one of my blogs on tribe called "DMT & Eros:" a woman's perspective, of course. It is very important we understand how the other side deals with things to start to meet in the middle and/or achieve balance, giving, receiving, etc. Right on with the selfless giving. The imbalanced aspect of this however CAN result in martyrdumb if unchecked. |
| Thu, October 2, 2008 - 11:00 AM It's funny, because in my own anecdotal research, it's the women who endlessly attempt to figure out what the men are locking away in stoic silence. I guess it all depends on your sample population......I've talked to many men who confess what their wives and girlfriends already know: that they tune their women out, hearing only the peanuts cartoon teacher voice: wah wah wah waaahh. I do believe that we have gender-based differences in relating style, but that becomes a chicken/egg story. Did the patriarchy stomp out men's ability to relate holistically the way women do? Or did men's natural strengths in compartmentalizing and focusing on pure reason to the exclusion of emotion shape the patriarchy? either way, i look at all of us as suffering some degree of collateral damage. Raising a sensitive boy in this culture is one hell of a balancing act, i tell you! Raising a teen daughter is hair-raising, too! How does anyone grow up with sane identities in this enormous endless high school drama that we call american life? |
| Thu, October 2, 2008 - 12:10 PM To cat... Ahh there it is..."it's the women who endlessly attempt to figure out what the men are locking away in stoic silence. " I'm NOT talking about their stoic silence... I'm talking about when they open their mouths... AND Woman TRY to figure it out... When they are silent, they are processing... Unlike woman (generalization) who process out loud... "that they tune their women out, hearing only the peanuts cartoon teacher voice: wah wah wah waaahh." that's because a lot of the way woman process out loud... And men do that internally... until they either come up with a direction -or- ask for help... awkwardly... BUT if a guy is talking... he probably is looking for help and guidance... WHEN THEY OPEN THEIR MOUTHS THERE IS NOTHING TO "FIGURE OUT" !!! STOP TRYING TO INTERPRET MEN!!! IF THEY TALK, MOST LIKELY, THEY ARE SAYING WHATS GOING ON!!! My Ex-wife talked to a female good friend of mine(NOT ANY MORE) for over a year about her unhappiness with her life and ALL she did was LISTEN for a year... Didn't give her advice, didn't tell me, just let her get deeper into unhappiness and depression UNTIL she left me... When I asked her why she hadn't told me -or- looked in anyway to help her friend NOT be miserable, she said, it was not place... and she felt it was in confidence between the two woman... and she just wanted to be there to support her... LOOK... I get listening for someone to vent and talk through things BUT A YEAR... is not supportive... IT'S HEARTLESS... how could anyone watch someone suffer for a year!!! OK SORRY... MY VENT... Back on track... Chicken/Egg... Don't matter... It's the social skeletal at the moment... What is Sensitivity? Sensitive... to me... is AGAIN one of the habits of highly effective people... "Seek first to understand, then to be understood..." REALLY HARD when you are programed to do things EITHER FOR OWN NEEDS -or- for others because you WANT THEM TO LIKE YOU!!! Which is FOR YOUR OWN NEEDS!!! Burning Man has a very interesting experience... WHEN you let go and experience it... It's all about service, giving, focus on others needs... AND you are the "OTHERS" for others, so you get your needs met... NOT WANTS!!! But NEEDS!!! You GET an opportunity to accept and try what is offered... Graciously... AND you are grateful for the opportunity... IF YOU GET IT... WHEN YOU GET IT... Before slipping back into the default world mentality... |
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