I am NOT normally testy, short tempered, indignant, righteous (OK maybe a bit of that)...
I don't know if it's the full moon, Friday the 13Th, the headache I've had all day, the 24oz of Coffee I started with this morning and then NOT eating all day (It's 6pm)... But I just feel like the world is just not on my side, nobody really cares if I'm here or not... Really ganged up on and alone... and I really want to just yell or cry or punch something... I don't know... I just don't like feeling this way...
It's so not me... I work so hard (and it does take work) to keep looking for and being open to the good... And sometimes ya just get tired, drained... and when you don't have someone to hold... someone to just comfort you... you begin to crash... and you wonder what's wrong with you... why doesn't anyone want to be there for me, with me, get me?
It really hurts and the more I dwell there, the more alone I feel... The more I just don't see any light... I know it will pass BUT when you're in it... you don't really care about being logical... You just get tired and want to know why I have to be here again... Haven't I been here enough in my life... What's the use of working it out if you're gonna just end up here again... I'm just so frigg'n tired... drained... unappreciated... unloved... alone... again.
and I have no idea what to do about it... all I know is that everything I've done up till now gets me here... keeps getting me here... so it's really frightening that this is never going to ever end... The despair is always here or lurking in the wings waiting for anything to ignite it... to feed it.
I hate this feeling... and I hate to hate.
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Update - 01/23/2006
I've eat'n and much better...
Thank you all... Those who posted and sent me emails...
I wrote this response to someones email and thought... Hmmm... This is a nice fit to just relay to everyone...
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I appreciate the attention, love thoughts and words... As always... it's good to know people are there, understand and "are" or "have been" there. You get it's a HUMAN condition and that it's OK... We just sometimes go there... Nothing more meaningful than that... It just sometimes "feels" real.
It's been better (but not completely clean)... eating does helps! ;-)
As I said in the Blog... there is always this blurry fading thought, a nagging feeling, that something is lurking, looming... like a shadowy figure just off the corner of your eyes, in your minds closet... waiting for the light to go out!
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02/13/06
WOW... It's so cool to revisit Blogs... Like going back and reading your personal diary to rediscover where you were at and how the space changes so drastically...
I'm doing AMAZING!!!
(This food thing is really cool... I'm gonna do it like EVERY DAY!!!)
The thing I've noticed about this BLog is that the LOOMING problem... that sometime in the FUTURE there is GOING to be a PROBLEM???
WHO CARES??? How completely stupid and dishonoring of the MOMENT... I'm COMPLETLY WASTEING THE MOMENT.
I was having an amazing talk with a friend the other day and REALLY GOT being in THAT MOMENT... I wasn't thinking about where is this new friendship going to go, how is it like my past experiences, what do I do with it, what steps do I have to take now... MY MIND WAS SHUT OFF ("The POWER OF NOW")...
I was just blissfully and peacefully connected to this moment... It allowed everything... Myself, the sweet friend, the lovely surroundings, peace, love, joy, bliss, serenity to be present... IT WAS PROFOUND...
The next moment will take care of itself and I will honor that one when I is here... and not until!
There is no looming... Looming is the future... looming could loom forever and NEVER impact you, so it's not REAL, it's only in your mind, and if it does become real... It isn't looming any more... it's there to be dealt with... SO LOOMING IS NEVER REAL!!! It's only a thought, a projected feeling that we give power too... OR NOT... I SAY NOT!
I like to say...
"We don't need to create positive, we can, but we don't have to, positive will show up naturally... what we need to do remove the negative, Untie the (K)NOT... remove the thing that BLOCKS the natural flow of creation in us all.
Share... and untie the (K)NOTS
---------------- Comments -----------------
Fri, January 13, 2006 - 6:24 PM
Spiritual People.
It is the quickening my friend. The spiritual awakening that a lot of us are enduring. It is not easy and we all feel alone. I do not know you in real life but for what it is worth I do care about you. We all chose to be here at this time. Great things are ahead of us but we all need to get through the long, cold, dark nights.~namaste
bor
| Fri, January 13, 2006 - 6:55 PM Use it, put on you Pirate shirt and loot a brothel with the pirate king. |
| Fri, January 13, 2006 - 6:59 PM Dude, you need to eat...IMMEDIATELY!!! takes one to know one, brotha!! I feel your anguish, but seriously, take it from a nurse, don't put much creedance into your feelings until you've eaten...THEN examine the reality of the situation. I loves ya! |
| Fri, January 13, 2006 - 7:21 PM You only have a limited number of times in your life that you can say you really feel like true and utter crap and if this is one of those times I say go for it. Rent Breaking the Waves or Requiem for a Dream or some other depressing flick and wallow in it! burn it out! feel it for all it's worth... yell! scream! find something to punch on that won't get damaged or damage you, burn it up like a fever killing germs. let it exhaust you- and then get some sleep and remember it's all part of the same thing- the highs aren't much without those lows...oh and like the nurse said, eat something NOW. I don't know you very well, but my heart's with you bro... |
| Sat, January 14, 2006 - 10:23 AM all good comments.. yes.. I have nothing more to add..except you are not alone in your feelings or experience. and wyeah, it is hard..we're all going through it..and I try to just remember to trust. TRUST!and you are loved. Remember that. xoxo FireFly |
| Sat, January 14, 2006 - 12:40 PM yet we Love your Feelingness! Hey fellow Piscean Pal,1st off, YAY to Lynne who along with me was with you at that last Landmark graduation (yay Anastajah!)... I'm sure you've eaten by now... secondly, I'm just recovering from my cold so I'm gonna call you now. Thanks for chatting Wednesday eve, tho I must admit you rambled on a bit much... :-) |
| Sat, January 14, 2006 - 2:18 PM Hang in there man, we're with you. Go with it, let yourself feel the crap. It passes. Just know that its okay to feel like crap, it really is. Its one way to know the good by experiencing the crap. Luv ya. |
| Sun, January 15, 2006 - 8:57 AM I agree - eat. Eat something healthy. And drink water. And breathe.And schedule a weekend trip to Portland. Come up for Unveil'd, Jan 28. I'm at the airport waiting to pick you up. =) Sending hugs and snuggles from Oregon - Kristi =) |
| Mon, January 16, 2006 - 12:15 PM BLAAAHHHH You just need a good spanking Sammy! And that'll make it all better. |
| Thu, January 19, 2006 - 12:43 PM Alas ...pore Yorek.....I know him well My dearest friend....De Javu! I can remember long nights on the phone trying to figure out the why's of things.... But OH YAH....then this really smart dude, named Sam...maybe you remember him from Jersey? Well, he had this epiphany about how useless "worry" was...in fact I think Jewel plagerized your thoughts in her song - anyway....those days come....and thank the good Lord.....they go too. But always know that if you stick up your hand, someone who cares will keep you from going under. Oh yes, and eating would be a good thing too! |
| Mon, January 23, 2006 - 1:00 PM I hate this feeling: UPDATE! Not sure how blogs work so I put an update at the end of my original BLOG...And I'm posting here to let people know it's here... Look for - "Update - 01/23/2006" And thank you everyone! :-) |
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