Lot's of time to hallucinate and sweat and ache...
And feel Lonely...
It's weird... No matter how many times you hear and FEEL loved...
When you're lying alone, with a fever, aching in a pool of your own sweat...
and you start having fever induced hallucinating flashbacks to past relationships where someone cared when you weren't 100% lucid/yourself...
it really feels crappy...
You wonder why you don't have anyone who cares about you...
You wonder what's wrong with you...
You wonder why at this point in your life you are alone(AGAIN)...
You wonder if THIS is the rest of your life...
I'm just FULL of WONDER... IT'S WONDERFUL...
You lie there and think... I could call someone... Hmmm... who's in the Valley??? I could call a lot of people... Hey I know a lot of people... and they like me... even perhaps love me (OK not perhaps... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... UNT AGAIN)
And then you feel so worthless... so small... so pathetic... to have to ask for help... for someone to bring over some OJ... some hot soup... a kind word... just to feel connected...
Like all my peeps have telepathy (hey... some of you do... we're gonna hafta have a TALK!!!)... Like you guys would randomly check in to see if I'm OK... Most people (including myself... I also fall into the MOST category) assume that when you are in need... as long as it isn't pathologically ALL THE TIME... you'll let us know... and it will be fine. MORE THAN FINE... Happy to help!!!
BUT... When you're in the middle of the need... you just start to spiral down and it's an up hill battle, actual effort... to think of anything that will bring you out of your funk... and it's SO much easier to ENABLE the funk!!! You're already heading in that direction... already wallowing in sweat... so transitioning over to wallowing in self pity is a real effortless...
Well... now I'm healthy and wondering who that FREAK was...
And the damn thing is... that FREAK is ME!!! at least a part of me... the non-logical, non-spiritual, frightened, small, scared, hurt child lurking in the shadows of my MIND...
So... My Pack Love Wolves...
How do we nurture this child and take care of this child without giving into his/her BS?
Also...
I'd like to offer myself as a person anyone in my friend list can call for help... If I can NOT help at that time... I will at the very least put out an APB (a phone call or 2... and on tribe) that you're in need and then will follow up as soon as I can...
It just seems with the amazing peeps in my life (and in each others lives) this disconnected pathetic story can be put to rest... there is always someone in the group who can reach out... and bring us home.
And feel Lonely...
It's weird... No matter how many times you hear and FEEL loved...
When you're lying alone, with a fever, aching in a pool of your own sweat...
and you start having fever induced hallucinating flashbacks to past relationships where someone cared when you weren't 100% lucid/yourself...
it really feels crappy...
You wonder why you don't have anyone who cares about you...
You wonder what's wrong with you...
You wonder why at this point in your life you are alone(AGAIN)...
You wonder if THIS is the rest of your life...
I'm just FULL of WONDER... IT'S WONDERFUL...
You lie there and think... I could call someone... Hmmm... who's in the Valley??? I could call a lot of people... Hey I know a lot of people... and they like me... even perhaps love me (OK not perhaps... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... UNT AGAIN)
And then you feel so worthless... so small... so pathetic... to have to ask for help... for someone to bring over some OJ... some hot soup... a kind word... just to feel connected...
Like all my peeps have telepathy (hey... some of you do... we're gonna hafta have a TALK!!!)... Like you guys would randomly check in to see if I'm OK... Most people (including myself... I also fall into the MOST category) assume that when you are in need... as long as it isn't pathologically ALL THE TIME... you'll let us know... and it will be fine. MORE THAN FINE... Happy to help!!!
BUT... When you're in the middle of the need... you just start to spiral down and it's an up hill battle, actual effort... to think of anything that will bring you out of your funk... and it's SO much easier to ENABLE the funk!!! You're already heading in that direction... already wallowing in sweat... so transitioning over to wallowing in self pity is a real effortless...
Well... now I'm healthy and wondering who that FREAK was...
And the damn thing is... that FREAK is ME!!! at least a part of me... the non-logical, non-spiritual, frightened, small, scared, hurt child lurking in the shadows of my MIND...
So... My Pack Love Wolves...
How do we nurture this child and take care of this child without giving into his/her BS?
Also...
I'd like to offer myself as a person anyone in my friend list can call for help... If I can NOT help at that time... I will at the very least put out an APB (a phone call or 2... and on tribe) that you're in need and then will follow up as soon as I can...
It just seems with the amazing peeps in my life (and in each others lives) this disconnected pathetic story can be put to rest... there is always someone in the group who can reach out... and bring us home.
Tue, September 19, 2006 - 1:58 PM
------------------- Comments -----------------------
10 Comments | |
| Tue, September 19, 2006 - 2:04 PM We only get the help we ask for. I'm sorry you were sick - sorrier that I didn't know about it. I would have brought you some soup. Glad you are feeling better! Next time.... get your @ss on tribe and make a request...!!! I know many would step up. Be well... |
| Tue, September 19, 2006 - 3:23 PM I agree with K Bunny, we do only get the help that we ask for. Not everyone can read minds, however i'm not sure that would be always a good thing if we could.But those feelings, 100% natural. I think shit like that even when I'm not sick. Its just a yearning inside that needs to sometimes be fullfilled. Sometimes not always spoken "needs:" but I think deep-down those needs are always there, they just com eout a little more when we are not feeling our best. Know that you are NEVER lonely. Know that there is always someone there. and know that you are definetly LOVED. Especially within our family, thats a given. Glad you are feeling better though Sam, keep drinkin that juice and next time put a shout-out on tribe if need be! Love ya! :) ~krys~ |
| Tue, September 19, 2006 - 3:25 PM silly samwise you're right...you ARE loved! |
| Tue, September 19, 2006 - 3:33 PM Boys are such big babies! : ) Hope you feel better soon. |
| Tue, September 19, 2006 - 4:33 PM i feel ya man...I don't know what I got...but I need to sleep most of time right now...sweatin...being lonely...all that shit..I think I'm gonna have my X bring my cat over tonight...he loves to cuddle...cuddle me asleep. ~R |
| Tue, September 19, 2006 - 4:39 PM I heard a lot of people got sick at Burning Man this year. I was tired before midnight and would sleep and wakeup before dawn to watch the sunrises -- weird. I felt like I was coming down with something too. |
| Tue, September 19, 2006 - 5:15 PM Awww Samwise..... I know exactly what you're feeling.And you did the right thing....blogged about that inner child, acknowledged him, and where you were when he spoke up in your head so loudly. I think it's usually when we're down in some way, physically, emotionally, or whatever....that's when the little child in us, the whiner comes forth and tries to make his needs known. We all have one..... and that inner child can prey on those things or areas of our life where we feel inadequate. Being alone is tough. But tell that inner child again, you're not really alone. You have all your tribe friends, and from what I've seen, you are very loved. So just ask, and your friends will help you out. So glad you're feeling better, vixxen |
| Tue, September 19, 2006 - 5:17 PM That sucks when you feel like that. I guess I take my baby for granted when I am sick as she will baby me a little bit. I am sorry you were ill and I didn't know. Not that there is much I could have done from SD, but I surely would have called out the LA troops. What you needed was a big bowl of chicken soup.Come down to BronChop's this weekend and we will all love on you. B-D |
| Tue, September 19, 2006 - 6:13 PM Glad you're feeling better!! Hey Sam...I'm glad you were able to write it down and get it out...that usually helps alot in getting over things. I wish I would have known you were sick...anytime you feel you need anything, be reassured you're surrounded by LOTS of people who DO LOVE YOU! Myself included. Here's my digits so you can call anytime incase there's a reaccurence sometime, or just if you want to chat, or do something fun :) Love yah Sammy... Carly D 310.497.9393 |
| Wed, September 20, 2006 - 12:39 AM Thanks for getting better ... and for being aware that people show up when you ask for them. I got sick after burning man and totally was feeling what you were feeling. I also got that some people in my life aren't the touchy feelies that do that stuff. People also sometimes assume that you'd like to be left alone, so if you are feeling it, just ask for it, my friend. |
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