Silent Running...

I have a grumbling Sadness in my heart...

Quiet can be lovely...

or

It can reveal that constant ache, that thorn, that open wound that has been bleeding for so long, you've learned to bare it, since you don't know how to heal it... You figure if it doesn't get any worse and it hasn't killed me... I guess it's not that bad...

But... Like cancer... It may be killing you... only real slowly... at first...

or

perhaps it's slowly driving you mad like Chinese water torture...

Or some other colorful artistic poet piece of pretentiousness I can regurgitate at this moment...

It's just kinda sad, feeling that if you admit you are sad, out loud... (and really, it's about being lonely), that you are going to scare off someone healthy, because being sad kinda makes you unhealthy...

OR

being sad will attract people looking to take care of someone...

OR

being sad will OBLIGATE people in your life to be nice to you cause they would be BAD PEOPLE is they didn't...

So you now create this pressure situation...

So, you attempt to drown it out with anything LOUD!!!, hoping that one day, when it's quite, it just wont be there... That it healed WHILE the noise was RAGING and you are just HEALTHY!!!

And for me it comes down to... I don't have someone who cares about ME... I know I have a lot of people who care about me BUT I'm talking about ME!!! That I am the most important person in their lives (beside themselves)... and they are the most important person in mine (besides myself).

There is a strength, described in the Peter Gabriel Song "In Your Eyes"(Which I proposed to my ex-wife to)... that you get when you have someone else to connect with...




















love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

























I don't have a place to come back to...
I don't have a time with someone to keep me awake and alive...

And there are days I "DOUBT" that I ever will... and that is sad...

But... sometimes we are just so afraid to admit and announce our fear and pain... fearing that will only make it even worse and we'll lose the little comfort we do get... so we stay...

silent