Social Balance...

There is a game we play, it has to do with being "in", "popular", "important", "desired", "cool". I am, by nurture, a loner. When I was a child, I was placed in front of a TV and left for untold hours. I found myself repeating commercials in stores when I saw the items, I was never really listened to, so I talked extra to compensate. But the real focus of my single mom of 4 (my father died when I was 10 weeks old) was to hide from society. She didn't like people or at least, the majority of her conversations were of their stupidity. I was a bit confused. TV was NOT about hiding, it was entertaining and informative. It showed families trying to be good. It showed consequence for bad behavior and reward for good. It made being loved and popular look not only really good but fun and a natural goal.

But, I was also shy. If I didn't know people, I was afraid of doing something wrong. Or looking bad, not realizing that shy never looks good. But I'm also not sure where this came from. Between TV & really mostly being ignored, I'm not sure how this hyper, TV programmed young person got scared? I do know my mom would joke how I would go up to people and ask "are you friendly". She thought it was cute. I, of course, wanted to know why would I utter such a tentative phrase? I tell myself, something must have happened or I was told NOT everyone is friendly so make sure before you try to make friends or I got hurt by someone I innocently tried to be friendly with and was told "Well, it's your fault, you didn't make sure they were friendly first".

My mom was big on blaming everything wrong in the world on everyone else but herself BUT especially her kids. And If there was an issue between her kids, I was wrong, being the baby.

Are You Friendly?

I got Divorced about 7 years ago, (not friendly) and have been trying to fill in the gaps in my social personality. I also, am trying to revisit the structure and transform it. I don't think I needed to trash the whole thing but some parts of the structure and even parts of the foundation do not properly support the person I aspire to be or generate the experiences I long to experience.

Balance. In being social, I tousle with the concept of sharing. Combining my old motor mouth and shy tendencies, when I feel I am given the slightest grace to share, words pour out of me like a bulging damn that has burst.

It is a strange combo (but also common) people see me as fun yet disconnected. Those who have opened up their ears, who I think may really want to hear. Get long diatribes of passionate, expressive, sincere babble.

I have made it a point the last few years to force myself to go out a LOT!!! This is really been connected with more private events connected with An even that happens every year called Burning Man (worth a google search). There are lots of local people who do this event, so I've met a lot of people. And it seems I appear to be VERY active!!! I've enjoyed the people I've met, I've grown from the experiences, many wonderful experiences and opportunities have presented themselves to me because of me putting myself out there.

But there needs to be ~Balance and ~Focus.

~Balance is NOT just ignoring life and individual events in order to do GROUP events.

~Focus is NOT fluttering away being distracted by another bright shinny or moving off a connection due to fear of overstaying my welcome .You don't wanna be like 3day old fish and house guests BUT you do need to take the time to connect and let that person know you are interested in a further/future connection, not just a shallow transient brush of fate.

I typically move on because I either think they are not interested in me in any deeper way -or- I am going to be perceived as too attentive, which can be interpreted at NEEDY, which is NOT a good way to be perceived.

BUT I am often awkward. I do NOT have the background of comfortable social interaction. I do find that a lot of people find me quite pleasant and even adorable! :) BUT I also don't CONNECT and find out which peeps would LIKE to know me more... I'm OK if they don't (mostly, I'm human and have that hurt 5 year old lurking... but I'm pretty good at knowing, I have a lot of peeps I play with already and one more or less is no biggie) and It's sad if they do want more and I walk away. A missed connection is just a sad thing, you never know what great adventures will now be missed for both parties involved.

SO...

I've TIPPED the scale in a really major way and am looking to now, let the waters find equilibrium. Gonna try not to pull back but I think it is a must to find equilibrium. Sometimes you have to lean to and fro before you can find true center.

So...

I am not hiding, but I am NOT diving in head first as I have been for the past 4 years!

I will communicate one on one, no mass for a while...

I...
Shall...
Choose...

and find my deeper, grounded and clearer connection.

A Reminder For Myself, On The Days I Question The Difference I Make In The World…

I received this when someone said something nice about me online, I went offline and thanked her and asked why the sweet encouragement.

This was the response…
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You were my friend in my darkest moments. Whether you knew what was going on in my life at the time or not, you're one of the few people that did not reject me and write me out of the "family". You have always welcomed me with open arms, and made an effort to stay in touch and be my friend even when I was not all that interested in people. Its small things like that, that go remembered. You always caused me to feel as if I was loved. You gave me hope and helped me learn to trust humans, just by being kind. You never come across as judgmental, even if you did or do judge me, I would never know it ;)

I know we are not super close, but we don't need to be in order for you to have such a huge impact on another's life. In fact, I think we have only met a handful of times and spoken another handful... and yet, you stand out among the 8 million people that have come into my life over the last few years. Don't forget for a second what a jewel you are to this community, and the huge contribution you make to the universe. If everyone spoke and acted with kindness, I think much of the sadness and fear of truly living would lift. You're the headlight in the fog. Much love my friend.

Bless up,
##########

So, be kind! Really… :') You never know who you will touch… It may be me!

It can take so little effort and may mean so much.

And you never know how your unkindness or distance could really add to someone's pain.

The Golden Goal ~ Lyrics

The sun is setting, taking it's light
And stars will guide us through the night

The grey clouds gather, obscuring the sun
then rain gently nurtures everyone

Chorus:
Nothing remains
There's always change
look beneath the mat and you'll find a key

Just grip the reins
Though it seems strange
If you have vision, the next step you'll see

The rain is falling and  you may ask why
Or look for rainbows in the sky

As each day goes on, and as it winds down
Where every moment like a crown

(~Chorus~)

Bridge:
We always find what we're looking for.
Cause we keep opening the same door.

We often seek things we've thrown away,
Just to discard them another day.

A fish cannot live out of water.
A tree that is grounded grows stronger.

The space must support your life & enrich it.
Fill your cart with thoughts that love your choices & hitch it.
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Some nights, you lie there, and you cannot sleep.
Write on your tablet, thoughts to keep.

Some nights, you cannot seem to stay awake.
No more ingredients let it bake.

(~Chorus~)

Each day I wake up, & feel I should rush
And meditate & help my mind to hush

So many obstacles are in my way,
They are just toys to help me play

(~Chorus~) & (~Bridge~)

Wearing My Art on my Sleeve... Be Gentle...

Really rough cut, badly recorded and badly miked and awkwardly sung BUT here it is, wearing my art on my sleeve...

Going Through The Motions (of Emotion)
http://samaaron.com/audio/samsongs/goingthroughthemotions.mp3

Lyrics

"Friends"... NOT the final word...

-->

Now, when I say "friends", I don't mean acquaintances, I don't mean people I've had a few really good conversations with... I don't even mean people I've had LOTS of really wonderful deep conversations with...

I'm talking about people who I "LOVE", people who "LOVE" me back, people who I have had a discussion of this deep connection we have for each other and a caring of each others mutual success, health and well being in life.

This is MAJOR SHIT!!! We really don't give this status to a lot of people. It’s kinda dangerous because it leaves us REAL vulnerable. We assume our mates (or eventual mates) will be a "friend". Kinda like in the movies (or stories) where you mutually cut yourselves and mix your blood and swear a BFF pack.

Now, with this heavier burden comes an amazing package of benefits... Because what you GIVE is also what you GET!!!

Triage... (a thought in progress)

"A process in which things are ranked in terms of importance or priority"

"A process for sorting injured people into groups based on their need for or likely benefit from immediate medical treatment. Triage is used in hospital emergency rooms, on battlefields, and at disaster sites when limited medical resources must be allocated."

I feel (FEEL being the optimal word), that in my life, up till now, I have been the Triagee and NOT the Triager...

I am always in some line of people, being ranked by priority and importance.

AND not being
1) INJURED enough to really require

or
2) IMPORTANT(Bright & Shinny) enough to have people trip over themselves to offer
the attention and resources that people have to ration out...

I find myself just injured enough and cool enough to be ranked somewhere way down the pecking order... Which can really, after being in this line a long time, be really painful.

AND

Nothing Much... As I start to type... (Pains and Pangs)

Nothing much to report on today...

Just sit'n at work, having great relaxed anticipation for the weekend... BUT no Expectations...

Just wanna relax into a fun weekend...

Gonna hang with a good friend tonight, we may go out, we may just hang in... Very relaxed and casual... Which is settling... And I am looking forward to NOT having to do anything tonight.

I do a lot... and I think it's been having a toll on me (if you've read my last few blogs Comfortable , Wanted , Silent , ... they've been a tad ungrounded... )

I think the worst part is getting tired and NOT feeling like there is anymore in me (at this time) and I need to stop. All I need to do is recharge but I feel frustrated that I've gone and worn myself out and I don't see any fruits of my labor. Which can be very discouraging...

Now, I didn't say there are not seeds planted and growing, or even full grown plants, or even big honk'n fruits growing on the high branches... I'm say'n, I don't see it...

I know I'm NOT who I've been... and even more lately NOT the "me" from just a few months ago... I am transforming... and this, to me, is GREAT! AND there will be growing pains and hunger pangs... and the dredging of the pit of my past which will cause painful sediment to float to the surface. But without this disruptive scrapping of the soft tender underbelly, you can never skim the scum which floats to the top, off the surface and out of your pond.

So... I HOPE... these profoundly, soulful, searching, disruptive and pain-ful/filled spells are the dispelling of the caked on layers of my past... like the rings of a tree, as I remove them I become younger... creating a lighter, cleaner container to contain my chosen visions...

I hope...

I'm just say'n...

Comfortable... The wrong kind...

There is something to be said for being comfortable... for feeling like you can relax and not have to do anything... to settle into your skin, your surroundings, your company, your environment...

That level of being safe and sound with nothing left to do... It's all good...

But...

I'm beginning to think I'm discovering a really wrong kind of comfortable... a kind of giving up... NOT the good kind of surrendering when you stop fighting what you can't change and be at peace... This is more like accepting that my fears ARE not only founded, they are just a given... This is not a concern, it is my life and my future.

What's tweaking me so much is that I am practicing a scene and a monologue in an acting class where the characters are struggling to be heard, to be acknowledged and validated... To be comforted... and they are fighting tooth and nail for their place... and they are losing...

So... I don't know how much of this is effecting me BUT chicken or the egg... I am e/affected...
(sometimes being an actor ain't the best...)

All I know is that I have fought/STRUGGLED a lot of my life to learn, to understand, to navigate my emotional social stew... and I am really good at seeing things and finding ways to move others to really good spaces... cause I needed it for myself... I try to help people feel connected and welcome and loved whenever I'm around BECAUSE I do NOT feel connected, welcome or loved...

YEA I KNOW... I am loved... But my 5 year old inner child is NOT... and he keeps kick'n me in the shins and pointing out reasons why I am not, and I'm getting comfortable in the thought that I will never be... and this is the wrong kind of comfortable...

and I guess I really DON'T know it... because verbal intellectual expressions of love don't have anything to anchor those claims to, nothing tangible in my physical world... and at those moments we are NOT spiritual and one with the ether of the universe... we are not in our right brains... we are painfully left brain processing, trying to put the pieces of information we have together, to make them into something that makes sense in the world of FORM... and the pieces don't add up to love.

And I've never been comfortable here... before... and I really NEED to be uncomfortable again real soon.

I'm just Say'n...

WANTED...

As I sit on the bus on the way to work I feel good. I've had my coffee, thanks to my new room mate HAVING a coffee maker & setting it up to autobrew... ahhhh luxury!!! So, my chemical enhanced mode is kinda Perky! :-D



But I know how yesterday (9am~7pm) was probably one of the saddest spells I've had in years... I Blog'd about it (Silent Running), so I'm not gonna rehash it... But I don't know why, except for lack of coffee, it was so HARD yesterday.

Silent Running...

I have a grumbling Sadness in my heart...

Quiet can be lovely...

or

It can reveal that constant ache, that thorn, that open wound that has been bleeding for so long, you've learned to bare it, since you don't know how to heal it... You figure if it doesn't get any worse and it hasn't killed me... I guess it's not that bad...

But... Like cancer... It may be killing you... only real slowly... at first...

or

perhaps it's slowly driving you mad like Chinese water torture...

Or some other colorful artistic poet piece of pretentiousness I can regurgitate at this moment...

It's just kinda sad, feeling that if you admit you are sad, out loud... (and really, it's about being lonely), that you are going to scare off someone healthy, because being sad kinda makes you unhealthy...

OR

being sad will attract people looking to take care of someone...

OR

being sad will OBLIGATE people in your life to be nice to you cause they would be BAD PEOPLE is they didn't...

So you now create this pressure situation...

So, you attempt to drown it out with anything LOUD!!!, hoping that one day, when it's quite, it just wont be there... That it healed WHILE the noise was RAGING and you are just HEALTHY!!!

And for me it comes down to... I don't have someone who cares about ME... I know I have a lot of people who care about me BUT I'm talking about ME!!! That I am the most important person in their lives (beside themselves)... and they are the most important person in mine (besides myself).

There is a strength, described in the Peter Gabriel Song "In Your Eyes"(Which I proposed to my ex-wife to)... that you get when you have someone else to connect with...




















love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

























I don't have a place to come back to...
I don't have a time with someone to keep me awake and alive...

And there are days I "DOUBT" that I ever will... and that is sad...

But... sometimes we are just so afraid to admit and announce our fear and pain... fearing that will only make it even worse and we'll lose the little comfort we do get... so we stay...

silent