Social Balance...

There is a game we play, it has to do with being "in", "popular", "important", "desired", "cool". I am, by nurture, a loner. When I was a child, I was placed in front of a TV and left for untold hours. I found myself repeating commercials in stores when I saw the items, I was never really listened to, so I talked extra to compensate. But the real focus of my single mom of 4 (my father died when I was 10 weeks old) was to hide from society. She didn't like people or at least, the majority of her conversations were of their stupidity. I was a bit confused. TV was NOT about hiding, it was entertaining and informative. It showed families trying to be good. It showed consequence for bad behavior and reward for good. It made being loved and popular look not only really good but fun and a natural goal.

But, I was also shy. If I didn't know people, I was afraid of doing something wrong. Or looking bad, not realizing that shy never looks good. But I'm also not sure where this came from. Between TV & really mostly being ignored, I'm not sure how this hyper, TV programmed young person got scared? I do know my mom would joke how I would go up to people and ask "are you friendly". She thought it was cute. I, of course, wanted to know why would I utter such a tentative phrase? I tell myself, something must have happened or I was told NOT everyone is friendly so make sure before you try to make friends or I got hurt by someone I innocently tried to be friendly with and was told "Well, it's your fault, you didn't make sure they were friendly first".

My mom was big on blaming everything wrong in the world on everyone else but herself BUT especially her kids. And If there was an issue between her kids, I was wrong, being the baby.

Are You Friendly?

I got Divorced about 7 years ago, (not friendly) and have been trying to fill in the gaps in my social personality. I also, am trying to revisit the structure and transform it. I don't think I needed to trash the whole thing but some parts of the structure and even parts of the foundation do not properly support the person I aspire to be or generate the experiences I long to experience.

Balance. In being social, I tousle with the concept of sharing. Combining my old motor mouth and shy tendencies, when I feel I am given the slightest grace to share, words pour out of me like a bulging damn that has burst.

It is a strange combo (but also common) people see me as fun yet disconnected. Those who have opened up their ears, who I think may really want to hear. Get long diatribes of passionate, expressive, sincere babble.

I have made it a point the last few years to force myself to go out a LOT!!! This is really been connected with more private events connected with An even that happens every year called Burning Man (worth a google search). There are lots of local people who do this event, so I've met a lot of people. And it seems I appear to be VERY active!!! I've enjoyed the people I've met, I've grown from the experiences, many wonderful experiences and opportunities have presented themselves to me because of me putting myself out there.

But there needs to be ~Balance and ~Focus.

~Balance is NOT just ignoring life and individual events in order to do GROUP events.

~Focus is NOT fluttering away being distracted by another bright shinny or moving off a connection due to fear of overstaying my welcome .You don't wanna be like 3day old fish and house guests BUT you do need to take the time to connect and let that person know you are interested in a further/future connection, not just a shallow transient brush of fate.

I typically move on because I either think they are not interested in me in any deeper way -or- I am going to be perceived as too attentive, which can be interpreted at NEEDY, which is NOT a good way to be perceived.

BUT I am often awkward. I do NOT have the background of comfortable social interaction. I do find that a lot of people find me quite pleasant and even adorable! :) BUT I also don't CONNECT and find out which peeps would LIKE to know me more... I'm OK if they don't (mostly, I'm human and have that hurt 5 year old lurking... but I'm pretty good at knowing, I have a lot of peeps I play with already and one more or less is no biggie) and It's sad if they do want more and I walk away. A missed connection is just a sad thing, you never know what great adventures will now be missed for both parties involved.

SO...

I've TIPPED the scale in a really major way and am looking to now, let the waters find equilibrium. Gonna try not to pull back but I think it is a must to find equilibrium. Sometimes you have to lean to and fro before you can find true center.

So...

I am not hiding, but I am NOT diving in head first as I have been for the past 4 years!

I will communicate one on one, no mass for a while...

I...
Shall...
Choose...

and find my deeper, grounded and clearer connection.