"Friends"... NOT the final word...

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Now, when I say "friends", I don't mean acquaintances, I don't mean people I've had a few really good conversations with... I don't even mean people I've had LOTS of really wonderful deep conversations with...

I'm talking about people who I "LOVE", people who "LOVE" me back, people who I have had a discussion of this deep connection we have for each other and a caring of each others mutual success, health and well being in life.

This is MAJOR SHIT!!! We really don't give this status to a lot of people. It’s kinda dangerous because it leaves us REAL vulnerable. We assume our mates (or eventual mates) will be a "friend". Kinda like in the movies (or stories) where you mutually cut yourselves and mix your blood and swear a BFF pack.

Now, with this heavier burden comes an amazing package of benefits... Because what you GIVE is also what you GET!!!

Triage... (a thought in progress)

"A process in which things are ranked in terms of importance or priority"

"A process for sorting injured people into groups based on their need for or likely benefit from immediate medical treatment. Triage is used in hospital emergency rooms, on battlefields, and at disaster sites when limited medical resources must be allocated."

I feel (FEEL being the optimal word), that in my life, up till now, I have been the Triagee and NOT the Triager...

I am always in some line of people, being ranked by priority and importance.

AND not being
1) INJURED enough to really require

or
2) IMPORTANT(Bright & Shinny) enough to have people trip over themselves to offer
the attention and resources that people have to ration out...

I find myself just injured enough and cool enough to be ranked somewhere way down the pecking order... Which can really, after being in this line a long time, be really painful.

AND

Nothing Much... As I start to type... (Pains and Pangs)

Nothing much to report on today...

Just sit'n at work, having great relaxed anticipation for the weekend... BUT no Expectations...

Just wanna relax into a fun weekend...

Gonna hang with a good friend tonight, we may go out, we may just hang in... Very relaxed and casual... Which is settling... And I am looking forward to NOT having to do anything tonight.

I do a lot... and I think it's been having a toll on me (if you've read my last few blogs Comfortable , Wanted , Silent , ... they've been a tad ungrounded... )

I think the worst part is getting tired and NOT feeling like there is anymore in me (at this time) and I need to stop. All I need to do is recharge but I feel frustrated that I've gone and worn myself out and I don't see any fruits of my labor. Which can be very discouraging...

Now, I didn't say there are not seeds planted and growing, or even full grown plants, or even big honk'n fruits growing on the high branches... I'm say'n, I don't see it...

I know I'm NOT who I've been... and even more lately NOT the "me" from just a few months ago... I am transforming... and this, to me, is GREAT! AND there will be growing pains and hunger pangs... and the dredging of the pit of my past which will cause painful sediment to float to the surface. But without this disruptive scrapping of the soft tender underbelly, you can never skim the scum which floats to the top, off the surface and out of your pond.

So... I HOPE... these profoundly, soulful, searching, disruptive and pain-ful/filled spells are the dispelling of the caked on layers of my past... like the rings of a tree, as I remove them I become younger... creating a lighter, cleaner container to contain my chosen visions...

I hope...

I'm just say'n...

Comfortable... The wrong kind...

There is something to be said for being comfortable... for feeling like you can relax and not have to do anything... to settle into your skin, your surroundings, your company, your environment...

That level of being safe and sound with nothing left to do... It's all good...

But...

I'm beginning to think I'm discovering a really wrong kind of comfortable... a kind of giving up... NOT the good kind of surrendering when you stop fighting what you can't change and be at peace... This is more like accepting that my fears ARE not only founded, they are just a given... This is not a concern, it is my life and my future.

What's tweaking me so much is that I am practicing a scene and a monologue in an acting class where the characters are struggling to be heard, to be acknowledged and validated... To be comforted... and they are fighting tooth and nail for their place... and they are losing...

So... I don't know how much of this is effecting me BUT chicken or the egg... I am e/affected...
(sometimes being an actor ain't the best...)

All I know is that I have fought/STRUGGLED a lot of my life to learn, to understand, to navigate my emotional social stew... and I am really good at seeing things and finding ways to move others to really good spaces... cause I needed it for myself... I try to help people feel connected and welcome and loved whenever I'm around BECAUSE I do NOT feel connected, welcome or loved...

YEA I KNOW... I am loved... But my 5 year old inner child is NOT... and he keeps kick'n me in the shins and pointing out reasons why I am not, and I'm getting comfortable in the thought that I will never be... and this is the wrong kind of comfortable...

and I guess I really DON'T know it... because verbal intellectual expressions of love don't have anything to anchor those claims to, nothing tangible in my physical world... and at those moments we are NOT spiritual and one with the ether of the universe... we are not in our right brains... we are painfully left brain processing, trying to put the pieces of information we have together, to make them into something that makes sense in the world of FORM... and the pieces don't add up to love.

And I've never been comfortable here... before... and I really NEED to be uncomfortable again real soon.

I'm just Say'n...

WANTED...

As I sit on the bus on the way to work I feel good. I've had my coffee, thanks to my new room mate HAVING a coffee maker & setting it up to autobrew... ahhhh luxury!!! So, my chemical enhanced mode is kinda Perky! :-D



But I know how yesterday (9am~7pm) was probably one of the saddest spells I've had in years... I Blog'd about it (Silent Running), so I'm not gonna rehash it... But I don't know why, except for lack of coffee, it was so HARD yesterday.

Silent Running...

I have a grumbling Sadness in my heart...

Quiet can be lovely...

or

It can reveal that constant ache, that thorn, that open wound that has been bleeding for so long, you've learned to bare it, since you don't know how to heal it... You figure if it doesn't get any worse and it hasn't killed me... I guess it's not that bad...

But... Like cancer... It may be killing you... only real slowly... at first...

or

perhaps it's slowly driving you mad like Chinese water torture...

Or some other colorful artistic poet piece of pretentiousness I can regurgitate at this moment...

It's just kinda sad, feeling that if you admit you are sad, out loud... (and really, it's about being lonely), that you are going to scare off someone healthy, because being sad kinda makes you unhealthy...

OR

being sad will attract people looking to take care of someone...

OR

being sad will OBLIGATE people in your life to be nice to you cause they would be BAD PEOPLE is they didn't...

So you now create this pressure situation...

So, you attempt to drown it out with anything LOUD!!!, hoping that one day, when it's quite, it just wont be there... That it healed WHILE the noise was RAGING and you are just HEALTHY!!!

And for me it comes down to... I don't have someone who cares about ME... I know I have a lot of people who care about me BUT I'm talking about ME!!! That I am the most important person in their lives (beside themselves)... and they are the most important person in mine (besides myself).

There is a strength, described in the Peter Gabriel Song "In Your Eyes"(Which I proposed to my ex-wife to)... that you get when you have someone else to connect with...




















love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

























I don't have a place to come back to...
I don't have a time with someone to keep me awake and alive...

And there are days I "DOUBT" that I ever will... and that is sad...

But... sometimes we are just so afraid to admit and announce our fear and pain... fearing that will only make it even worse and we'll lose the little comfort we do get... so we stay...

silent

Hollywood & Western & Philosophy

While leaving my sick friend Reecy's place after sharing some soup, attention & affection I left for home on the Red line... She sent me off in her super hero sweatshirt "Girl of Redundancy Girl".

I had left home that morning thinking the previous days temperature would mimic today's (WRONG)... With all the ways of finding out simple things like temperature and the ability to blog from your cellphone the fact I GUESSED weather is really asinine!

So I left home in shorts, a t-shirt & sandals.

As I descended into the underworld of LA, it struck me how interesting the subway is visually... Hollywood does not resemble a city, like NY or Chicago, so as you are transported lower and lower under the city, you feel as if you are entering a whole other world... ESPECIALLY @ nite.

So I paused, missed a train or 2, wandering and exploring this other world...

the clean lines, the dirty people, the colorful yellows and the dingy muted pastels, blacks, white and grays...

We live in one big art installation... and we are both observers and fodder for this collage... If we drill down and take the time to scan through the overlapping layers we find "ourselves"... and if we are aware, we are looking back.

Yesterday
is Gone.
Tomorrow
Never Comes.
Today is what
we have.
Struggle.
Persevere.
And Progress.

I'm a cog in a macine whose purpose is 2 make cogs, a puzzle piece that fits by accident, matching cause my colors have faded