Silent Running...

I have a grumbling Sadness in my heart...

Quiet can be lovely...

or

It can reveal that constant ache, that thorn, that open wound that has been bleeding for so long, you've learned to bare it, since you don't know how to heal it... You figure if it doesn't get any worse and it hasn't killed me... I guess it's not that bad...

But... Like cancer... It may be killing you... only real slowly... at first...

or

perhaps it's slowly driving you mad like Chinese water torture...

Or some other colorful artistic poet piece of pretentiousness I can regurgitate at this moment...

It's just kinda sad, feeling that if you admit you are sad, out loud... (and really, it's about being lonely), that you are going to scare off someone healthy, because being sad kinda makes you unhealthy...

OR

being sad will attract people looking to take care of someone...

OR

being sad will OBLIGATE people in your life to be nice to you cause they would be BAD PEOPLE is they didn't...

So you now create this pressure situation...

So, you attempt to drown it out with anything LOUD!!!, hoping that one day, when it's quite, it just wont be there... That it healed WHILE the noise was RAGING and you are just HEALTHY!!!

And for me it comes down to... I don't have someone who cares about ME... I know I have a lot of people who care about me BUT I'm talking about ME!!! That I am the most important person in their lives (beside themselves)... and they are the most important person in mine (besides myself).

There is a strength, described in the Peter Gabriel Song "In Your Eyes"(Which I proposed to my ex-wife to)... that you get when you have someone else to connect with...




















love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

























I don't have a place to come back to...
I don't have a time with someone to keep me awake and alive...

And there are days I "DOUBT" that I ever will... and that is sad...

But... sometimes we are just so afraid to admit and announce our fear and pain... fearing that will only make it even worse and we'll lose the little comfort we do get... so we stay...

silent

Hollywood & Western & Philosophy

While leaving my sick friend Reecy's place after sharing some soup, attention & affection I left for home on the Red line... She sent me off in her super hero sweatshirt "Girl of Redundancy Girl".

I had left home that morning thinking the previous days temperature would mimic today's (WRONG)... With all the ways of finding out simple things like temperature and the ability to blog from your cellphone the fact I GUESSED weather is really asinine!

So I left home in shorts, a t-shirt & sandals.

As I descended into the underworld of LA, it struck me how interesting the subway is visually... Hollywood does not resemble a city, like NY or Chicago, so as you are transported lower and lower under the city, you feel as if you are entering a whole other world... ESPECIALLY @ nite.

So I paused, missed a train or 2, wandering and exploring this other world...

the clean lines, the dirty people, the colorful yellows and the dingy muted pastels, blacks, white and grays...

We live in one big art installation... and we are both observers and fodder for this collage... If we drill down and take the time to scan through the overlapping layers we find "ourselves"... and if we are aware, we are looking back.

Yesterday
is Gone.
Tomorrow
Never Comes.
Today is what
we have.
Struggle.
Persevere.
And Progress.

I'm a cog in a macine whose purpose is 2 make cogs, a puzzle piece that fits by accident, matching cause my colors have faded

The Dollar...

I had a good friend the other day...
speak'n life stuff...
mentioned that you need to NOT be attached to the Dollars you offer...

So as you offer people in your life $1,
it should have NO effect whether they accept it or not...

He said his life changed when he stopped offering things with a emotional attachment...
which was really BUYING not offering...

BUT the biggest idea came when he said...
I DON'T WALK AROUND WITH THE DOLLAR OUT... I don't even think about it... I just have a life... and during regular interactions... It may occur to me that this person seems to be in need of a dollar... oh, and I have one... and then I offer it... very casually with no weight to it... offer it... and then they either take it or not...

No WEIGHT placed on THEM to take it...
No WEIGHT on my side if they accept it...
It's just a dollar that I have...

THIS WAS PROFOUND FOR ME...
I walk around with the DOLLAR OUT A LOT!!!

I am learning to not hoard it but also...
to NOT feel the need to display it...
there will be an appropriate time for me to offer my worth...
and I will decide that...

Twitter... (The NEW Red Blinking Lite on your Answering Machine)

I kinda noticed that I look forward to being twittered...
*( If you DON'T KNOW WHAT TWITTER IS... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twitter )*

Kinda like... Coming home (in the olden days) and noticing the Red Blinking Lite on my Answering machine...

"SOMEBODY WANTED ME WHEN I WAS AWAY!!!"

-or-

no blink...
"OH WELL, No One cares about me today"...

But

Then you read the text -or- listen to the message and it's either a ABC7 News update or telemarketer... AT LEAST on TWITTER, you can decide who's Stati you will receive and which ones get forwarded to your mobile...

But there is a LOT of fluff... and NOT a lot specific to me... BUT still, often I get to hear the mini-thoughts, the mini-moments of friends...

So it is a little bit special... Kinda... until you realize they just whispered this missive to 60-6000 peeps...

You just have to keep that perspective... NOT to respond EVERY TIME you read a Twitter from a friend BECAUSE it's more like a shout to a group rather than a whisper to you...

But still...

Sometimes...
It's kinda nice to be shouted at...
by a friend...

The Pavlovian Response... The Dog Didn't Always Salivate... and Not all Dogs Salivate... To the Same Bell...

Why do we FEEL/ReAct the way we do?

We have these immediate, intense, automatic, visceral, sometimes deeply wrenching feelings... and then we have these physical reactions... and then we have our actions/reactions...

We know better, we've felt it before, we know that it has lead to BAD things... BUT we STILL do them.

WHY?

Because NOT responding in step, the way we've reacted before ISN'T AUTOMATIC, it IS EFFORT-FUL!!! No matter how much effort we expend repeating the action that we KNOW in our head, heart and bones is a BAD IDEA...

We LIKE a PLAN,

even a BAD plan is better than no plan at all (we feel). And without a replacement plan in place... We take the path we know, EVEN when we KNOW (intellectually) it's a bad idea.

Also... without another plan... if we DON'T initiate the OLD PLAN... we will sit in this limbo state, wondering what to do AND keep reconsidering the OLD PLAN.

The DOG DOESN'T CHOOSE TO SALIVATE... and We don't choose to feel and react...

So guess what, the bell rings and WE SALIVATE!!!

Someone does something that triggers/stimulates a mental and emotional response which manifests physically...

Now...
there are issues massaging out the kinks, the automatic reactions, that you want changed...

The issues are, we have to:

1) be aware that this response is NOT YOU, but an automatic reaction... the fact that the dog SALIVATES is not the DOG.... But the dog doesn't know that... BUT WE DO... or at least we CAN know it. We can check in and see if we are having an authentic -or- an automatic reaction... and decide to look into making another PLAN... Because we need to follow something, some plan, some program. So trying to ignore a bad, obsolete, ineffective, program/reaction/habit/plan does NOT reprogram it... and in that case, it will always be there, available to be activated.

2) have people around you that don't destroy you for SALIVATING... upset that you get emotional, react automatically, NOT react the way they'd like you to... that's like being angry at the dog for SALIVATING... They don't have to like it but they also don't have to HATE/JUDGE the you for it.

WE need to understand that we are all DRUG/CHEMICAL/STIMULUS beings... open, waiting and typically WANTING/LONGING to be effected.

We are constantly in a state of RECEIVING the NEXT input to move us from the current state to the next.

Whether you TAKE a drug or have the body produce a chemical, we are ALWAYS in ONE STATE of mind, OPEN TO ANOTHER STATE of mind, from some external stimuli.

SO!!!
How much of this stimuli can we self generate?
How much input can we filter, so as to NOT react the way we learned as a child to react because WE ARE NOT at that state of being anymore.

I have a very good friend who told me a few years back:
"I was noticing my automatic response to fear, and it seems I want to run "FROM" things that I fear... and I thought... how interesting it was... My physical reaction to choose "THAT" particular "DIRECTION"... What would happen, if I, as an intellectual exercise, chose to run "TOWARD" what I fear. NOT to be brave or have any other reason, but just to change the direction."

THAT, TO ME, IS BRILLIANT!!! So simple, and yet so amazingly transformational!!!

Something SIMPLE like this, in a really short period of time, can completely alter your experience of life and transform your world.

I was talking to another friend about making simple but DRAMATIC shifts in processing your world... and told him the concept of "It's MY Movie"... Not only am I the Writer, Producer and Director (of my life), I cast the darn thing. So besides being able to take more charge of the STORY (and the cast), I get to notice how I CAST myself. Am I the side kick, the next door neighbor, the dark knight, the misunderstood brooding poet... THE VICTIM... or am I the HERO!!! and If I have NOT cast myself as the HERO in MY MOVIE... WHY NOT???

I spoke with this friend a few months after this conversation, he said he had shared this with a friend of his... SHE was DRAMATICALLY effected by the concept... "Oh SHIT, I've been the Damsel in Distress... My whole LIFE!!!" He said, the conversation had a profound impact on her, shifting her reaction to the world, the stimuli, as if she were the HERO in her LIFE (HER MOVIE).

So,
I guess you can CHANGE your REACTION to the STIMULI
and
You can change WHO YOU ARE that is receiving the STIMULI.

AND EVEN WITH ALL THIS...
NO MATTER HOW MUCH WORK YOU DO...
You never know when you are going to SALIVATE???

Micro Blogging... and Texting in General... Thoughts... (1st Official BLog Here)

I Micro Blogged (Twittered) this...

Wow... Twitter... How it "can" change your reception... They're perception...

And was asked "IS everything OK"...

My Reply... (and I'll edit/add to this blog...)

Well...

I was noticing how MICRO BLOGGING creates a very interesting social dynamic...

It's like little random thought bubbles being broadcast... even to a small group (30 twitter followers)...

the info gets disseminated, dissected and discussed... and it flavors the way you have occurred for those people and the way they occur for you...

BUT it's NOT TRUE conversation... it's snippets, which could be a rogue moment which, since it's NOT in person, not a real one on one connection, MUST be interpreted...

and then people form THEIR understanding of you (and you of them) based on some very tiny and cryptic scribed hiccups...

I'm just say'n... Not complain'n... Just a thought, an observation...

----- Addendum 1 10/28/08-----

So... Do NOT... stop yourself from communicating, sharing in snippets... Limited to 140ish characters BUT DO understand that peeps who don't know you (well... and even those who do)... may be massaging their opinions of you based on these snippets and if you ONLY Micro Blog when your in a UNIQUE space... a certain MOOD... some may ONLY have this info to go by... So don't be surpriesed when people see you and COMMENT on your Micro-Mood!!!

Just like a statement spewed in anger... once it is released... it can not be put back in it's cage!!!

----- Addendum 1 10/28/08 2:52 pm-----

Oh... One of the reasons I had this THOUGHT... was I've had people comment about "HOW are you"... and "You've been going though a rough period..." kinda comments... and realized... OH MY... I'm "sharing" a lot of random mood swings with a LOT of random people...

Sometimes it's really GOOD, letting the CAT out of the bad (yes, BAD) ... not letting it fester... having people who can relate to you, calling or just offering you their pathos and empathy...

BUT... there are times that this can create an IMAGE... of issues... which can diminish/taint (I said taint! hee hee) how you would like to be received in the community...

So, you have to OWN, be RESPONSIBLE for your words... and how they GIVE you the canvas that you can paint on in your community...

SO SHARE WISE-LY!!!

Sam(the Occasionally)Wise

How do we Listen??? Do we Listen??? How do we Care??? Do we Care??? Is it about You, Me or We??? (Tribe.net) Wed, October 1, 2008 - 4:41 PM

[This is out of a conversation/Face book back and forth message I was having with a friend, it has been edited and addendum'd and re-written BUT the original thought was expressed in an email]

[Generalization... BUT hear the idea NOT the Generalization]

...I find a HUGE thing about MEN/WOMAN is MEN typically do not VENT to VENT, they VENT to work things out (They look for a way to NOT feel the way they are feeling...) They don't share UNTIL they are looking to work on it.

WOMAN will just VENT, looking for agreement, understanding and sympathy for their situation and their emotions attached to that situation.

NEITHER is WRONG...

It's just a different process...

Where there is an issue is between the sexes...

This issue is:
MEN listen like MEN and WOMAN listen like WOMAN... from THEIR perspective....

I have learned (and am learning) that when a WOMAN blogs... EVEN IF IT'S A SPECIFIC ISSUE... It's typically a VENT, she may just want to be heard... and want to continue in her own space... Working through it herself...

IF I (as a MAN) BLOG/SHARE publicly (UNLESS IT'S AN OBVIOUS RANT!!!) I WANT HELP... I don't think most WOMAN realize that. Men are kinda stoic, self-contained, trying to work it out for themselves and understand... If they get to a point where they are SHARING, they've taken a leap out of their space and are looking to take it on... move out of it!

NOW!!!

I'm cool about getting more savvy about picking up what people as individuals need when they communicate...

BUT...

I don't always know how to communicate what I need... LIKE... When I say I'm upset, or lonely, or anxious... This is my way of saying... I FEEL CRAPPY!!! Anyone wanna get a BEER!!! Hmmm... I guess from now on... I'm gonna say I FEEL CRAPPY!!! ANYONE WANNA GET A BEER!!!

duh... (that Solved...?)

>>>> Continuing from later on in the correspondence >>>>

I've been studying woman and just general human social dynamics since my separation/divorce 6 years ago... (prior to that more of individual dynamics, how people work ALONE - not in relationship) and realize how much you have to GET the persons vision of the world to communicate fully with them (Seek first to understand, then to be understood)...

I see a LOT of how I've been trying to understand woman and just social dynamics in general is from MY perspective... which explains why it doesn't work... Whether it's genetic, hormonal, sexual, status, ethics, aesthetics, religion or WHAT... I see that because of our differences we are TREATED differently causing us to have very different experiences of life... even when the environments are the same... It's our context that gives us our interpretation and reaction...

And I'm seeing things I've never seen before... both wonderful and frustrating...

I have met a LOT of MEN on this journey... And have had some fascinating conversations and experiences...

BUT...

lately I've been a bit frustrated with the lack of woman who TRY to understand WHY a man is coming from where he's coming from...

He's not just STUPID...

You shouldn't make him a project, try to fix him... ain't your job!!! BUT an overall curiosity of what could be the foundation of his behavior.

AND THEN BACK TO OURSELVES...

What is the foundation of our own behavior and WHAT patterns we've been repeating with really CRAPPY results...

AND

HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE MORE EFFECTIVELY...
... to get all our needs met, nurtured and respected!
WHILE STILL SERVING OTHERS
... getting their needs met, nurtured and respected!
(and they will do the same for us)

Hmmmm....

PERHAPS WE JUST NEED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT SERVICE... AND JUST BE AWARE WHEN WE ARE NOT BEING SERVED...
Take your attention off yourself and your needs will be met... Very Burning Man... No Expectations... Just GIVE... and Receive Graciously.

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 4:41 PM

-------------------- Comments -------------------

5 Comments

Moose!

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 6:19 PM I love the way you write! ...because it sounds just exactly like the way you talk. I can "hear" you reading this blog aloud to me, in my head! (yes, Samwise, you live in my head! at least a small part of you does.) :) I'm not sure I understand your main point--let me take a crack at it? (before I have to run up to a Bday party in LA) You are feeling a bit frustrated by communication glitches, particularly between the sexes. Perhaps you are just starting a dialogue about this topic?? I totally agree with you: A partner is NOT a fixer-upper. If you want one of those, buy real estate!! gotta run! much love to you my friend.

Keit...

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 6:20 PM Thanks! Just what I needed to hear today. Or, were you asking for help? ;-)

Joan...

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 8:19 PM Hark the Herald Sexes Sing...I agree on all fronts. I can really also appreciate a man who can receive a good vent without reacting and/or needing or wanting to change my feelings. It just leads to more venting and displaced anger onto him. You are really right about the way the sexes process things. You might be very interested in one of my blogs on tribe called "DMT & Eros:" a woman's perspective, of course. It is very important we understand how the other side deals with things to start to meet in the middle and/or achieve balance, giving, receiving, etc. Right on with the selfless giving. The imbalanced aspect of this however CAN result in martyrdumb if unchecked.

Cats...

Thu, October 2, 2008 - 11:00 AM It's funny, because in my own anecdotal research, it's the women who endlessly attempt to figure out what the men are locking away in stoic silence. I guess it all depends on your sample population...... I've talked to many men who confess what their wives and girlfriends already know: that they tune their women out, hearing only the peanuts cartoon teacher voice: wah wah wah waaahh. I do believe that we have gender-based differences in relating style, but that becomes a chicken/egg story. Did the patriarchy stomp out men's ability to relate holistically the way women do? Or did men's natural strengths in compartmentalizing and focusing on pure reason to the exclusion of emotion shape the patriarchy? either way, i look at all of us as suffering some degree of collateral damage. Raising a sensitive boy in this culture is one hell of a balancing act, i tell you! Raising a teen daughter is hair-raising, too! How does anyone grow up with sane identities in this enormous endless high school drama that we call american life? delete this comment

Samwise

Thu, October 2, 2008 - 12:10 PM To cat... Ahh there it is... "it's the women who endlessly attempt to figure out what the men are locking away in stoic silence. " I'm NOT talking about their stoic silence... I'm talking about when they open their mouths... AND Woman TRY to figure it out... When they are silent, they are processing... Unlike woman (generalization) who process out loud... "that they tune their women out, hearing only the peanuts cartoon teacher voice: wah wah wah waaahh." that's because a lot of the way woman process out loud... And men do that internally... until they either come up with a direction -or- ask for help... awkwardly... BUT if a guy is talking... he probably is looking for help and guidance... WHEN THEY OPEN THEIR MOUTHS THERE IS NOTHING TO "FIGURE OUT" !!! STOP TRYING TO INTERPRET MEN!!! IF THEY TALK, MOST LIKELY, THEY ARE SAYING WHATS GOING ON!!! My Ex-wife talked to a female good friend of mine(NOT ANY MORE) for over a year about her unhappiness with her life and ALL she did was LISTEN for a year... Didn't give her advice, didn't tell me, just let her get deeper into unhappiness and depression UNTIL she left me... When I asked her why she hadn't told me -or- looked in anyway to help her friend NOT be miserable, she said, it was not place... and she felt it was in confidence between the two woman... and she just wanted to be there to support her... LOOK... I get listening for someone to vent and talk through things BUT A YEAR... is not supportive... IT'S HEARTLESS... how could anyone watch someone suffer for a year!!! OK SORRY... MY VENT... Back on track... Chicken/Egg... Don't matter... It's the social skeletal at the moment... What is Sensitivity? Sensitive... to me... is AGAIN one of the habits of highly effective people... "Seek first to understand, then to be understood..." REALLY HARD when you are programed to do things EITHER FOR OWN NEEDS -or- for others because you WANT THEM TO LIKE YOU!!! Which is FOR YOUR OWN NEEDS!!! Burning Man has a very interesting experience... WHEN you let go and experience it... It's all about service, giving, focus on others needs... AND you are the "OTHERS" for others, so you get your needs met... NOT WANTS!!! But NEEDS!!! You GET an opportunity to accept and try what is offered... Graciously... AND you are grateful for the opportunity... IF YOU GET IT... WHEN YOU GET IT... Before slipping back into the default world mentality...

Blast from my Musical Past... Circa 1983... SO MANY DREAMS (Tribe.net) Mon, August 11, 2008 - 11:32 AM

I probably wrote this circa 1980 and played it in a few bands
BUT this is the Version I just found on cassette and have spent 3 hours...
Figuring out how to get it digitized...
then mp3 it...
and then loaded up to the Internet (and my mp3 player)...

Odd how the universe works...
I saw someones poetry online...
Thought...
Hey, what were the lyrics to that song I wrote & played in those band...
Hey, I'll try to put them in a word document...
Damn... what were they???,
Hey, I'll see If that OLD cassette is around...
Hey, It's the first tape I find...
Hey, I should digitize this...
Hey, I think I can digitize this... (I LOVE MY NOTEBOOK AND Wireless Internet!)
Hey, I think I'll put this up on the net!

And so you have it....

(Pardon the simplicity of the lyrics at times... I was 18)
(I'm doing keyboard and both the lead and background vocals... I had a YAMAHA 4 track!!! :-O WOW!!!)

So Many Dreams

LYRICS:

(a)
The night is young, I sit alone, with my mind
…and I think what bad company I keep…
The night is done, I sit at home, one more time,
…and I think that I shall never get to sleep…

CHORUS:
For there’re so many dreams
I have to make true
and I’ve done my time
of being blue
I’ve sat back and schemed
I fantasize too
and I’ll make them work
and so can you

(a)
No one seems to ever mind, that I’m here
but do they know, really who I am
No one seems to find the time to be sincere
and no one tries to truly understand

(b)
That I want to be with those I feel like
Those that make me smile and feel right
So deep I feel this smile inside me
This worm and happy force that guides me

(c)
Just one small chance, Just unlock the door
that’s all I want, I won’t ask for more
All I want is, Is that you understand
All I want is, It that you know that I am

(a)
There are times I’ll take the time to “LOOK AT ME”
I try so hard to make them look and see
Now I have reason and rhyme, I need no one
I put myself, second next to none

(d)
I’ve spent my life, trying to give myself away
I’ve spent my life, Looking for words just right to say
Now I think that, I’m gonna try some different ways
Now I think that, I’ll make myself those brighter days

(a)
Time goes by as I perform, for myself
No one buys a ticket to my show
Feelings fly as I write songs, for the shelf
It’s OK, soon everyone will know

Chorus:
That there’re so many dream
I had to make true
And I need myself
Much more than you
I sit back and scheme
I fantasize too
and I’ll make it work
with or without you

For there're so many dreams
I had to made true
and I’ve done my time
of being blue
I’ve sat back and schemed
I fantasized too
and I’ve made them work
and so can you…

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 11:32 AM

------------------------- Comments -----------------------

1 Comment

Buck...

Wed, August 13, 2008 - 8:38 PM The song and your hair are very Beatle-esque! Keep rocking Samwise!!!

Ok... Kodak commercials and Sappy Broadway show tunes... :*( [MORE CONFESSIONS OF A THEATRE FAG] (Tribe.net) Sun, August 10, 2008 - 4:56 PM

This song was in a show at my theatre (The Mark Taper Forum) called "13"
and it's a story about turning 13 and dealing with the (normal) stuff you go through, and just dealing with friends, fitting in, school and stuff.

But this SONG pains me, makes my cry...
Between the song, the arrangement and the AMAZING voice on this 15 year old girl...

It kinda reminds me of god spell... I AM SO FAGGY!!!

What it means to be a friend

Sun, August 10, 2008 - 4:56 PM

--------------- Comments -------------------

2 Comments

Carl...

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 10:09 AM You crack me up Sam :)

Samwise

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 11:43 AM Crack up... Just putt'n it out there... ;-) Quirky little hobbit that I am...