Samwise's Muses - I'm Just Say'n

In the NAME of LOVE... Use your own damn name...

2011-08-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

A friend commented:

"The ways that people hurt one another in the name of love... Well, it's just simply unforgivable."

My first response...

Love is getting very annoyed with so many using him/her as a scapegoat... Use your own damn name!

And my follow up...

I like a phrase "What would love do now?" As, if Love was a living being, and was imbued with all the qualities of love, what actions would it take... Do that. Not always easy but a nice place to start from. I like it better than WWJD (which is still pretty spiffy).

I also like the concept of "Impact", your actions (an inactions) have an Impact, saying "I am just doing what I need to do, and if others don't get it, that's their problem" is not the most enlightened stance. Do what you need to do AND take responsibility for the Impact is has on the world around you. You truly own your actions when you honestly and authentically consider and deal with the impact. This is good for all involved, especially you.

Buddy can you spare 4 to 8 minutes...

2011-06-19T18:33:00.000-07:00

A friend just said on Facebook (of course):
"You know something is wrong when "7/8 minutes each" seems like such a large time commitment."

I responded(and added more depth here):

Totally cool...

It is such an interesting sign of the times when, as an actor/musician/performance artist, you use to have to get friends to run from work, grab dinner and make it to your show for 2 hours or more...

And that was hard but a percent always came and supported, but that number dwindles over years (decades) of performances.

Now you say, don't leave the comfort of your home or office (or phone) and watch something for 4 to 8 minutes and it can be like pulling teeth.

We constantly find ourselves on FB or Emails telling us, look at this, this is cool, check it out... and we are off to see it, we don't wanna be left out of the know or the fun! But when you are asked by someone to see their work, it is not a recommendation, it sounds and feels very different, it is a request, it feels like a favor or commitment.

Now, you, the Askee, HOPE when you send them there, it will be pleasure. You hope they will share it, like it's something cool they found and can take credit for being the first on their block to discover this gem. That is when things go viral.

People will share a box sets of a 7 season series and they will watch it in a month... that could be 50, 100 or more hours... and people do it.

They plan their nights around being home to see "Lost" or some reality show but 8 minutes on demand seems like just one more task, sucking up our precious free time. And the way a lot of us run around today, it is.

I am not bothered, I am just sociologically fascinated. There is an intrusive quality when you are asked by someone to look at their work vs. someone wanting to share a FIND.

It's odd, I give out flyers for my Web Series on the Subway when I go to work (Yes, LA has a Subway System, at least until the next BIG ONE) and once they realize I am not asking for money, they "Thank You" for sharing it. I don't know if it is that, they are so relieved that you don't want money, they are just being polite or they actually are looking at the flyer as something to brighten their day, they may WANT a distraction.

We have figured out a way to minimize the disruption of peoples lives to see SOME of our work, from a 4/5 hr commitment drops to a 10 minutes or less. But like when you complain about computer taking 40 seconds to do something you want instantaneously, you forget this use to take an hour 10 years ago and a week 20 years ago. There is that visceral reaction of giving up your time, like it was going to interrupt your free time by 5+ hours, because it use to.

I just hope more people start to find Legends of Atoll a FIND.

Namaste.

Someone asked what IS possible...

2011-06-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

Possible is a forgiving word... it gives you space to go forward in creation and if it does not happen now... it was NEVER a MUST or a HAVE TO... It is Possible... not Probable, not Definite... so at every given moment, you may look at the new facts and resources and say... "At this moment, what is NEWLY Possible"... and then embark in that direction... Possibility gives way to action... Impossibility kills movement and inertia. We can all list the things in the world that suck and are Impossible... there is no great skill in that, we are all experts in that... Now looking for what is possible, is the spark that lights fires.

When It's done... No matter what you said...

2010-04-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

Why do we fear things that are NOT innately scary?

I was passing a funeral... and I started thinking, as people are apt to do when we think about death. At some point, in the hopefully far off future, we will cease to exist (at least in this realm...). Nothing we created or had not created will matter to US. It's like shaking an etch-a-sketch and then throwing it away. That is what is! That is the final reality of it all.

We get to play in this world once, and when it's game over, we're done. We may leave a high score but, that really has no significance after we're gone. In fact, nothing is significant to an individual, it may FEEL that way but when it is done, that's it.

So, why do we fear simple things like human interaction. Like freely talking to people randomly. Rejection? Confrontation? Discomfort? Really! Every powerful growth that has occured in your life has most likely come from some relationship & every unrealized plateau is from isolation, avoidance or disconnect that you have created or accepted.

I have a deep fear of first contact, and this fear either keeps me quiet, makes my conversations awkward or I over talk in an effort to GET them to GET ME before my time limit is up.

I lose my charm. I am told, by my friends, that I have a charm or at least an interesting way about me that most people enjoy. BUT this fear either obstructs this flow or I move quickly away from connecting so I do not have to participate in the dance. If I am the jester or the MC, I am not personally involved, so I can be very charming, helpful and NOT involved.

How silly!
I am much better than I have been...

BUT there was a time, be it brief, when I had experienced a powerful EGO presence. I was working in an amusement park. I had been hired as one of the 8 street performers for the park... a CLOWN! As an 18 year old, still in high school, performing in a huge amusement park, it was powerful to feel like an accomplished and acknowledged performer. I started walking up to random woman and introducing myself and talking them up and asking them out. I HAD NEVER DONE THIS... asked out a girl, REALLY, just seemed like they wouldn't be interested? But in about a week I had talked to 11 girls (I was 18, so I was a boy) about having a date and 7 had enthusiastically accepted. And the others were fine and flattered. This was amazing to me, friends would dare me to speak to woman and I just did it! No issues! No Concerns! No Expectations! Just Boldness and Bravado and a big SMILE!!! It was GOOD and lasted less than 3 weeks...

There was a really BAD experience during a date that traumatized me for YEARS (I guess still today...) No death or Injury but it really DASHED my world at the time, shocking me back into a state of perpetual apprehension.

Now I've been in relationships and a 10 year marriage since BUT I have never felt that relaxed and open to put myself out ever since... And I always wonder what my world would have been if I just continued in that playfully cocky direction....

But I digress (duh... it's me)

THE POINT OF THIS BLOG WAS...
What am I/we scared of? None of these petty concerns will make a difference the moment after demise... So why do these nagging neural pathways have such a hold on us? Why? That is the question 97% of the world wrestles with.

Play the GAME!!!

2010-02-12T12:52:00.001-08:00

Things we do are SOMETHING, they effect our lives... even if you don't think of them as something, they ARE... They facilitate something, either towards something new or repair something existing or just keep things going as they are.

Now, the trick is, noticing what SOMETHINGS you are currently doing and are they helping or hindering your life.

Computer stuff is SOMETHING . Even if you use them for fun, they are being used to serve some purpose for the user.

Many people say that the internet and online communities keep people from true interaction. That may be true for those who use it to escape or avoid live social interaction for many reasons including anxiety and fantasy. Flight As well as Fight is just a mouse click away. THAT is what THOSE people are using if for...

But there is also the use of online communities as a management tool. Arranging get-togethers with friends or like minded communities could never be possible at this scale or with such ease as is possible today. Finding like minded people, people with similar interests, people already meeting and you can find them and meet them IN THE REAL WORLD!

If you sleep all day, that is something...
If you whine all day, that is something...
If you work out all day, that is something...
If you read all day, that is something...

I think you get the idea...

BUT do you see that these SOMETHINGS create your destiny... or at least contribute to what is a possible destiny...

SO! What is your contribution to your destiny... What are the SOMETHINGS you do NOW and look at where these SOMETHINGS have got you up to now... AND do you want more of this?

BE AWARE, BE RESPONSIBLE and KNOW if you think the world seems to continuously throw you curve balls... STOP PLAYING BASEBALL, it's not the only game in town -or- take it upon yourself to LEARN HOW TO HIT CURVE BALLS!!!

But whatever you do, if you're gonna play the game... PLAY THE GAME!!!

* GIVE *

2009-09-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

Watch it animated on youtube

I took some acting courses over the weekend, thanks to my AMAZING friend Will which had a profound effect on me.

The idea of removing the NEED from my intention is SO powerful. Even the need to see if they are happy with what I have given them.

ALL THERE IS, IS TO GIVE!
GIVE FREELY...
GIVE SERVICE...
GIVE COMFORT...
GIVE ASSURANCE...

TO THEM!!!

When you can remove ANY YOU out of the equation, there is a profound energy that you have. That energy, that authentic presence of caring about the other is communicated before you ever utter a word. AND it is so appreciated. People are so guarded in life because there is so much THEY need and so many people approach them with NEED energy that they just close up, trying to keep the little that they have!

These people will look at you like you are from another planet, a planet they want to move to. There will be a true appreciation of you and a fascination on who this GIVING person is.

And ya can't fake it... at least for any length of time... Cause they will be looking for the chink in the armor... and they will find it.

And if ya fake it, YOU WONT ENJOY IT OR ENJOY THE AUTHENTIC JOY THERE IS IN IT.

So... Give... and when/if you feel the NEED... Catch it and KILL IT!!! Eventually, you will be giving without NEED and when you are NEEDLESS... That is when you will authentically GET!

:)

Watch it animated on youtube

Frustration is YOUR FRIEND!!! Give it a HUG and don't let it go!!!

2009-09-08T22:15:00.001-07:00

Frustration is hesitation pushed to where it transforms into anger. Push harder, transcend, break through & act or continue serving your sentence.

~Samwise

I am on a lot of caffeine at the moment and PUMPED so forgive the rough edge!!!

I have an acting teacher (Acting classes have become a new source of profundity in my life) who says, "people come to him and say that they are frustrated about their careers" and he says "the problem is, you are NOT frustrated enough, if you were, you'd get off your ass a do something!!!".

WOW!!! This is a fascinating thought. I am so NOT prone to PUSHING the upset! I usually try to channel the energy into a more progressive, nurturing, engaging, responsible...

FUCK IT... I'M FRUSTRATED AND I REALLY NEED TO PUSH THOUGHT IT!!! Not passively aggressively wimp out! I really do believe in moving into a positive space and all that BUT NOT at the expense of dissipating the natural energy of PASSION!!!

There is an underlying truth to frustration, there is SOMETHING that SEEMS WRONG!!! Now, I have learned that anything you are UPSET about, you COMPLAIN about, is really smothering something that is GOOD! Something that you are driven nuts about because it is NOT happening, or IS happening... so you get angry! You find yourself whining to others or yourself, stewing in your sour juices...

BUT there is a use for this energy, it can actually be used for a purpose, it can be channeled to get your ass in gear... IN FACT IT MUST!!! To calm down is to disrespect that GOOD!!!

REMEMBER, there is GOOD under that seemingly bitter icing!!! NOW, figure out what that GOOD IS AND KICK IT'S ASS INTO GEAR, RUN TOWARD THE THING THAT'S SEEMS TO BE "BAD" and GO BERSERKER RAGE ON ITS ASS!!!

But don't calm down, AGITATE UP!!! Explode into a new plateau!

Or continue the cycle, how frustrating is that!!!

(P.S. Image from - http://divulged.deviantart.com/art/Frustration-Aggression-127442332 )

Just Say NO!!! I WANT THIS!!!

2009-09-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

Unless you can say NO, a YES means nothing, it is meaningless. It has no Power or Significance. In fact, it is unkind because you are not being truthful with that person. You are misleading that person to think something is one way and it is NOT.

Only when you can say NO, does a YES honor what you are answering.

Ask yourself WHY I am saying YES? or No for that matter?

Your choices are your life, your direction, your boundaries, they SHAPE who you are and how you are seen. The weaker, more wishy washy, more undefined your likes and dislikes, your choices, your tastes are, the less people know who you are, and the less they will have to go by to decide if you are someone they want to deal with in the future and HOW they deal with you in the future.

IF you are ALWAYS accommodating, you will be relegated to the "OTHER" bin. Since you DON'T have a true voiced known opinion or preference, you will NOT be considered in the direction people choose or the choices they make, you're gonna go along with what ever happens anyway, SO, the squeaky wheel will be oiled first. AND if the oil runs out, it wasn't important to you anyway, RIGHT? :/

So!

SAY NO!!! Really!!! AND tell people what you LIKE, WANT, DESIRE, HATE, DISLIKE, INDIFFERENT ABOUT!!! They will appreciate it! They HATE making the decisions all the time! You will be seen, NOT as a pain BUT as a LEADER! A Strong willed, opinionated person who KNOWS what they LIKE and even more important, what you DON'T LIKE!

Now, you could go to an extreme and be a pain in the ass BUT ya know, that's still better than being Capt. WUSSY. An arrogant demanding ass "may" be disliked (Donald Trump) BUT often still get's what they want and is seen as strong, powerful and confident.

I was just in an acting class that said being liked is the booby prize!!! You don't get what you really desire in your life, BUT you sure made those other people feel passively warm and indifferent about you!!! YAY!!!

Every time you passively allow others to get their way, they start to form an opinion about you. And it's not PRETTY! It's not, "WOW, what a caring, accommodating and caring person"... They may say thank you but at a low or HIGH level, they become programmed that YOU can be manipulated, YOU are a follower and if they are getting to CHOOSE, then they are the leader. AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE THE LEADER, SO THEY WILL RESENT YOUR PASSIVE OFFER FOR THEM TO MAKE THE CHOICE!!! A lot of people typically don't want to take on the the leadership role. They feel stressed enough in their day to day life that they don't want ONE MORE THING TO HAVE TO DO!!! When you choose, you actually relieve them of that responsibility. AND THEY WILL BE THRILLED and look at you in a very positive light.

Think about how you feel when you walk into something and it's already handled... SO HANDLE IT!

JUST SAY NO!!! Or don't even give them a chance, step up and honor yourself!!!

I'm just say'n...

A Thread from FaceBook started by me republishing a Deepak Chopra Quote – We CAN be DEEP!!! :)

2009-09-01T14:12:00.001-07:00

Deepak_Chopra:

Since the world is a reflection, the only way to transform the other is through one's own transformation.

Top of Form

David Stinnett

We Are ALL ONE.... however since most of us do not fully embody this Absolute.... we do well to cultivate Patience, Compassion and Simplicity.

Lauren Simon

absolutely!

Barbara Bee Dietrich

I think this is exactly what I had to hear this morning! Thank you!

ACE

I am working on getting the extended family to accept this.

Samwise Perlmutter Aaron

ACE: Get yourself to accept it first... ;)

Adam Kaplan

This reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:
"We're all the same being and that's the problem - we can only move as fast as we all can move...You can hear this message only as purely as I am pure. That's the way it boils down. I can resonate with you in the highest place I am. So: I can do nothing for you but work on myself...You can do nothing for me but work on yourself!"
- Ram Dass, from "Be Here Now"

ACE

Sam, I have accepted it, but they hound away and I don't live thousands of miles away. so it is slightly more difficult, but doable

Samwise Perlmutter Aaron

Just love them more... You have to heal the damage before new movement. Show them by example & love them as they are before they will consider a new way...

ACE

They must be willing to be healed and acknowledge that there is a need.

Samwise Perlmutter Aaron

As long as you put the attention on them, they will sense that you are judging them and experiencing them as other than perfect. There is an automatic defense to this which puts up a wall of protection that does not allow anything new in. When you stop WANTING them to change and just love them completely for who they are, without any underlying NEED for them to be different from how they are, and do this ongoingly, without checking in to SEE if it's WORKING? There is nothing to work, if there is, and then you WANT them to change. Allow them to be and work on yourself. That is the only way. You are the only one you can work on anyway. AND a lot of the time, the more loving and more your life grows in a positive way, others, will feel the freedom and curiosity to dip their toe in your pool of bliss.

ACE

I embrace and practice most of what you say, but i find it quite interesting that the majority of people I know who have all these wonderful ideas on change, live VERY far from their family of origin which makes it easy to form a concept of reality that is in fact not real. When you are involved in CONSTANT and NECESSARY involvement your perception is very different than when you are at a distance.

Adam Kaplan

Felicia, I believe the reason for this is that the family is the first source of much social and interpersonal teaching, and these are often teachings that must be unlearned as one turns inward. If you want to bring about change within, I feel that it often helps to remove yourself from doubting, fearful, or contradictory voices until your inner voice becomes stronger. (As there is no separation between inner and outer world, doubting voices will resonate with the parts of you that are still doubtful and fearful.) A good friend of mine put it this way: "I have to maintain a separate fortress in my mind, where I can go to figure things out for myself." As a person grows and becomes calmer, more loving, and more accepting of how it all is, I believe they can then return to a close relationship with people who see things differently, and turn their inner world outward. During the entire process, there is only love. You can distance yourself gently & harmoniously, and still love.

Samwise Perlmutter Aaron

I agree... The difficulty is... do you let their actions (energy/vibrations) influence you or your actions (energy/vibrations) influence them. Our lives, our habits, our learned ways get triggered very easily. You have to believe in your energy so much that their energy does not change yours. They will KEEP trying to BE the way they are, if that bothers you, they just changed YOUR energy. That's way I say keep loving them, that is the energy that will ALWAYS win, IF you do NOT doubt it. Again, if you get upset, you doubted it. And if you have a time frame, that's not gonna help either. It can take seconds, it can take years.

Gandhi - "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win"

It's NOT easy... but it gets easier...

Trust your love and don't let them make you doubt it... Everyone's life is at stake. (no pressure) ;)

ACE

Agreed, it is much easier and i am very sure of my actions and behaviors. I am just curious how often all of you spend time with your families of origin. Sam I know you live far, This makes all of this much easier. these ideas worked when others handle the necessities of aging parents, or you pay others to do it. elderly/frail physically/mentally sick family members make these ideas more difficult to implement. I would hope that you all acknowledge this

Adam Kaplan

I acknowledge that this is the case.

I live within 45 minutes of my parents, and within 10 minutes of my grandma, and see all of them every month or so. My parents have been pretty supportive (and more than a little terrified) regarding where my life is going, but I have been nothing but open and honest with them at every step. Hopefully they see me becoming more easygoing, and all I can hope to be is an expression of where I presently am on the path of sadhana.

Samwise Perlmutter Aaron

Yes... NOT easy...
Now YOU know MY MOM!!!
When I NEEDED her to support my acting... It was FOOLISHNESS...
When I stopped NEEDING her to LOVE my CHOICES... and Just LOVED her...
1.She came to see me in Pirates of Penzance. Reaction "ALL you people do this for free" - acknowledgment that I'm not the only lune.
2. She came to see me play Sancho in Man of La Mancha - When cast members asked what she thought, she said "He's getting better" The cast was AGHAST, I was amazed, that is a RAVE... she was actually critiquing my acting NOT ignoring it.
3. She came to see me in a Original Show called "Prospect Park", I was 29, playing a 65 yr old New Stand guy. (I got an award for my performance :) ) After she saw the show she said "You are very talented, I am proud of you as an actor and you could make it" I WAS FLOORED!!! And I think this happened because I stopped looking for her approval. What ever it was, it was NOT what I had ever seen before... AND YOU KNOW MY INCREDIBLY NEGATIVE MOM, RAISED IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION IN NY CITY.

So... Just make yourself happy! AND Healthy. Lead my example... and don't need them to change, that'll drive ya NUTZ!

ACE

I do exactly as I please Now BUT they still put on the pressure. Then they try it on my children. i raise them as my husband and I see fit. They are young adults. We make our own rules and the families never get it. I always had TONS of approval and enjoyed it. Now I don't care if they approve or not, I just want them to not comment. Your mom enjoyed being negative and my mom is starting to do that as well. In your moms defense she had GREAT reason to be filled with sadness and regret which I feel is the root of all negativity. As for acting the previous generations will never understand a career with no guarantees.

Adam Kaplan

I didn't know careers with guarantees existed anymore. =)

ACE

A tenured teacher or a nurse. i seem to remember Optician being the choice of some parents, it was your own business. I tell my kids go for a career you will be happy in for a long time and that will support them and their wife and kids. That is my bias and I tell them that. I measure success by happiness. I feel FOR ME happiness meant marriage and kids. They know how I feel, I will love and respect all of the choices they make BUT I really want to be a grandma someday. Sal and i also want them to have a spiritual understanding of the world, what that entails is very complicated. Makes for wonderful convos with 15 and 20 yr olds

Samwise Perlmutter Aaron

Never DEFEND something that causes pain! Being a Negative person is NEVER enjoyable. It comes from fear, which is never a good way to be... it's sad... and should NOT be enabled. I know she has had bad things happen, but she cried that she was married, and then she cried that he left her. I went to her 85th birthday party, where she told the story of how dumb ... she was for marrying my father 60 years ago, he's been dead for 45 years. This, in front of their 4 kids who threw her the party.

(OK... Just got caught up... see what you did!) ;)

ohmmmmmmm... ohmmmmmmm...

Rosa Tattoli

"Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, no trouble, no hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart" - unknown

It's all I have that I can add to this thread, but I wanted to add something.

Samwise Perlmutter Aaron

OH... Career... SHE, the woman raised during the depression, said... "You could make it" - Amazing! This is a person, when someone would call and tell them how much they thought of me, she would tell them they are crazy! LITERALLY!!! That I wasn't attractive enough to make it. REALLY! So, it wasn't based on my ability, she was just not a fan. And now she is! Go figure.

Samwise Perlmutter Aaron

Approval... Disapproval... Negativity...

Story:
A man heard of a monk, who could NOT be insulted.
He asked the monk if he could try. The monk readily agreed. The man spent 48 hrs non stop, insulting the monk. Attacking his family, his virility, his look, his smell, his intelligence, his ideas... On and on... and the Monk just sat there and smiled. Afterward, the man stopped, acknowledging that the monk was impervious to insults. The man said "I admire your ability to not be affected by insults BUT what type of man can sit back and allow such a thing to happen, is this a true man" The monk said to the Man, "Son, May I ask you a question. If someone gives you a gift and you choose to not accept it, whose gift is it?" The man thought, "Then, they would still own the gift". The monk continued "So, if someone insults you, and you choose not to accept it, whose insult is it".

Shaahin Cheyene

Won't be long ill Deepak starts to RT you! :)

Samwise Perlmutter Aaron

SC: ♥ oh... pishawwww....

William Christopher Ford

Awesome.

DUCE

I had big-time problems with my boss -- I felt she was treating me the way her father treated her, nothing I could do was good enough. My yoga therapist said, drop all the human drama, just relate to her as Light relating to Light. The results were/are beautiful and now I enjoy working for her.

Samwise Perlmutter Aaron

BC: ♥ 2 ♥ : Light 2 Light

William Christopher Ford

An amazing thread! Infinite peace, love, respect, and gratitude to all who contributed!

Samwise Perlmutter Aaron

I shall re~read it... And recreate it... And ground it!

DUCE

Definitely worth re-reading

Bottom of Form

Social Balance...

2009-09-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

There is a game we play, it has to do with being "in", "popular", "important", "desired", "cool". I am, by nurture, a loner. When I was a child, I was placed in front of a TV and left for untold hours. I found myself repeating commercials in stores when I saw the items, I was never really listened to, so I talked extra to compensate. But the real focus of my single mom of 4 (my father died when I was 10 weeks old) was to hide from society. She didn't like people or at least, the majority of her conversations were of their stupidity. I was a bit confused. TV was NOT about hiding, it was entertaining and informative. It showed families trying to be good. It showed consequence for bad behavior and reward for good. It made being loved and popular look not only really good but fun and a natural goal.

But, I was also shy. If I didn't know people, I was afraid of doing something wrong. Or looking bad, not realizing that shy never looks good. But I'm also not sure where this came from. Between TV & really mostly being ignored, I'm not sure how this hyper, TV programmed young person got scared? I do know my mom would joke how I would go up to people and ask "are you friendly". She thought it was cute. I, of course, wanted to know why would I utter such a tentative phrase? I tell myself, something must have happened or I was told NOT everyone is friendly so make sure before you try to make friends or I got hurt by someone I innocently tried to be friendly with and was told "Well, it's your fault, you didn't make sure they were friendly first".

My mom was big on blaming everything wrong in the world on everyone else but herself BUT especially her kids. And If there was an issue between her kids, I was wrong, being the baby.

Are You Friendly?

I got Divorced about 7 years ago, (not friendly) and have been trying to fill in the gaps in my social personality. I also, am trying to revisit the structure and transform it. I don't think I needed to trash the whole thing but some parts of the structure and even parts of the foundation do not properly support the person I aspire to be or generate the experiences I long to experience.

Balance. In being social, I tousle with the concept of sharing. Combining my old motor mouth and shy tendencies, when I feel I am given the slightest grace to share, words pour out of me like a bulging damn that has burst.

It is a strange combo (but also common) people see me as fun yet disconnected. Those who have opened up their ears, who I think may really want to hear. Get long diatribes of passionate, expressive, sincere babble.

I have made it a point the last few years to force myself to go out a LOT!!! This is really been connected with more private events connected with An even that happens every year called Burning Man (worth a google search). There are lots of local people who do this event, so I've met a lot of people. And it seems I appear to be VERY active!!! I've enjoyed the people I've met, I've grown from the experiences, many wonderful experiences and opportunities have presented themselves to me because of me putting myself out there.

But there needs to be ~Balance and ~Focus.

~Balance is NOT just ignoring life and individual events in order to do GROUP events.

~Focus is NOT fluttering away being distracted by another bright shinny or moving off a connection due to fear of overstaying my welcome .You don't wanna be like 3day old fish and house guests BUT you do need to take the time to connect and let that person know you are interested in a further/future connection, not just a shallow transient brush of fate.

I typically move on because I either think they are not interested in me in any deeper way -or- I am going to be perceived as too attentive, which can be interpreted at NEEDY, which is NOT a good way to be perceived.

BUT I am often awkward. I do NOT have the background of comfortable social interaction. I do find that a lot of people find me quite pleasant and even adorable! :) BUT I also don't CONNECT and find out which peeps would LIKE to know me more... I'm OK if they don't (mostly, I'm human and have that hurt 5 year old lurking... but I'm pretty good at knowing, I have a lot of peeps I play with already and one more or less is no biggie) and It's sad if they do want more and I walk away. A missed connection is just a sad thing, you never know what great adventures will now be missed for both parties involved.

SO...

I've TIPPED the scale in a really major way and am looking to now, let the waters find equilibrium. Gonna try not to pull back but I think it is a must to find equilibrium. Sometimes you have to lean to and fro before you can find true center.

So...

I am not hiding, but I am NOT diving in head first as I have been for the past 4 years!

I will communicate one on one, no mass for a while...

I...
Shall...
Choose...

and find my deeper, grounded and clearer connection.

A Reminder For Myself, On The Days I Question The Difference I Make In The World…

2009-09-01T10:01:00.001-07:00

I received this when someone said something nice about me online, I went offline and thanked her and asked why the sweet encouragement.

This was the response…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were my friend in my darkest moments. Whether you knew what was going on in my life at the time or not, you're one of the few people that did not reject me and write me out of the "family". You have always welcomed me with open arms, and made an effort to stay in touch and be my friend even when I was not all that interested in people. Its small things like that, that go remembered. You always caused me to feel as if I was loved. You gave me hope and helped me learn to trust humans, just by being kind. You never come across as judgmental, even if you did or do judge me, I would never know it ;)

I know we are not super close, but we don't need to be in order for you to have such a huge impact on another's life. In fact, I think we have only met a handful of times and spoken another handful... and yet, you stand out among the 8 million people that have come into my life over the last few years. Don't forget for a second what a jewel you are to this community, and the huge contribution you make to the universe. If everyone spoke and acted with kindness, I think much of the sadness and fear of truly living would lift. You're the headlight in the fog. Much love my friend.

Bless up,
##########

So, be kind! Really… :') You never know who you will touch… It may be me!

It can take so little effort and may mean so much.

And you never know how your unkindness or distance could really add to someone's pain.

The Golden Goal ~ Lyrics

2009-08-31T15:56:00.001-07:00

The sun is setting, taking it's light
And stars will guide us through the night

The grey clouds gather, obscuring the sun
then rain gently nurtures everyone

Chorus:
Nothing remains
There's always change
look beneath the mat and you'll find a key

Just grip the reins
Though it seems strange
If you have vision, the next step you'll see

The rain is falling and you may ask why
Or look for rainbows in the sky

As each day goes on, and as it winds down
Where every moment like a crown

(~Chorus~)

Bridge:
We always find what we're looking for.
Cause we keep opening the same door.

We often seek things we've thrown away,
Just to discard them another day.

A fish cannot live out of water.
A tree that is grounded grows stronger.

The space must support your life & enrich it.
Fill your cart with thoughts that love your choices & hitch it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some nights, you lie there, and you cannot sleep.
Write on your tablet, thoughts to keep.

Some nights, you cannot seem to stay awake.
No more ingredients let it bake.

(~Chorus~)

Each day I wake up, & feel I should rush
And meditate & help my mind to hush

So many obstacles are in my way,
They are just toys to help me play

(~Chorus~) & (~Bridge~)

Wearing My Art on my Sleeve... Be Gentle...

2009-01-18T13:02:00.000-08:00

Really rough cut, badly recorded and badly miked and awkwardly sung BUT here it is, wearing my art on my sleeve...

Going Through The Motions (of Emotion)
http://samaaron.com/audio/samsongs/goingthroughthemotions.mp3

Lyrics

"Friends"... NOT the final word...

2008-12-17T14:29:00.000-08:00

Now, when I say "friends", I don't mean acquaintances, I don't mean people I've had a few really good conversations with... I don't even mean people I've had LOTS of really wonderful deep conversations with...

I'm talking about people who I "LOVE", people who "LOVE" me back, people who I have had a discussion of this deep connection we have for each other and a caring of each others mutual success, health and well being in life.

This is MAJOR SHIT!!! We really don't give this status to a lot of people. It’s kinda dangerous because it leaves us REAL vulnerable. We assume our mates (or eventual mates) will be a "friend". Kinda like in the movies (or stories) where you mutually cut yourselves and mix your blood and swear a BFF pack.

Now, with this heavier burden comes an amazing package of benefits... Because what you GIVE is also what you GET!!!

And the RULES are always adjustable for EACH "friend" except for the one rule, that you REALLY need to clarify the rules... What is expected of you and what you expect? Which you gotta get that, what you expect, you have to be ready and willing to provide as well.

So... As I write this, I realize I've been remiss in the ONLY rule!!! I was expecting without 1) making sure they were open to my EXPECTATIONS and 2) really want to be this type of "friend"...

One problem is I was already operating like 1) and 2) were agreed upon and "I" was already providing (to my understanding) the benefits...

Another problem is... I don't know their expectations...

Now, let's get this straight, if you DON'T have expectations on your "friends", then either these people are NOT "friends" -or- YOU don't want to provide to them what they need as a "friend".

You do NOT get to decide what your "friend" needs, you are there to support them and help them selflessly (in that moment of need)... AS THEY ARE THERE FOR YOU... You really have to take yourself out of the equations entirely when they are dealing with their shit!!!

I was in a 10 year marriage (and my last Long Term Relationship as well... I hate patterns... I love patterns) where, when I was hurting, their reaction was "WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME, or I DIDN'T DO IT or I CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE OF HAVING TO HANDLE YOUR ISSUES"... and all I was saying was I was hurting... needed to vent a little, be heard, and feel like someone cared, had a little empathy, had a little sympathy... SO... I had to bottle up EVERY pain and issue I had, so as to not UPSET THEM... So I worried about them when they were hurt'n and when I was hurt'n...

SO... I'm sorry if I have ISSUES around this... (I EXPECT my "friends" to understand... hee hee)

OK...

So... Here are a few things that come to mind... and again... these are things I'd LIKE to have but every "friend" has to be TOLD... It's wrong to EXPECT... no matter what you FEEL/THINK is obvious.

1. If you have thoughts of me (worries, concerns, hunches, feelings, psychic communications, premonitions, dreams, intuitions, loving pangs, upset pangs, thoughts (from silly to profound) that you think I'd appreciate knowing... CONTACT ME!!! If you believe in any type of deep connection in this universe, this is a POKE by the universe... please respond to it... It will be SO appreciated by me... Don't mull over it... thank the universe for the post it! Don't worry if it could be a DRAINING contact... or How it may effect your life... Step up and let me know you were thinking of me AND then TOOK the action to communicate... Actions REALLY speak louder than words and mean so much to me, and really, it’s just a call.

2. VALUE me, my company, my attention, my time, my energy and my gifts... AND if you see me devaluing myself... KICK MY ASS... There are people I don't know well who I still offer things to and expect them to value anything I give them BUT my "friends" need to understand that I give to them FIRST and FOREMOST and it really hurts to feel like my VALUE is not perceived as VALUABLE or worse, a "favor" that it's even being accepted at all, AND then sometimes discarded, sometimes before it is even received.

NOW life will throw you curves, and plans get altered BUT I need to feel that you are really considering the impact on me, how it will effect me and how it feels to have my gift returned. And sometimes the gift is meant to be shared, unlike a fruit cake, and the sharing is important to me as well, it's part of my experience and meant something to me to share it with you.

AND...

I VALUE YOU... Now, don't get all self-Important, REALLY!!! But I "LOVE" my "friends" and it's so deeply fulfilling and special to be with, share with, someone who is my "friend"... My "Friends" are REALLY COOL and IMPORTANT... so they don't typically have a lot of time or energy to squander. So when a "friend' shares any experience with me, it ROCKS, and it is special to me!!! So don't assume your presence is insignificant to me, IT IS NOT. AND don't take this as a pressure thing, REALLY!!!

Now that doesn't mean we can't casually make and change casual plans... We have a life and sometimes life can get in the way of random acts of fun, BUT check in with me and see where I'm at... possibly, reschedule, right then and there if you can... show me that you are NOT happy about losing time with me... Just know you are IMPORTANT to me and I assume I am IMPORTANT to you.

3. Non-Judgmental Listening with my well-being in mind. I kinda stated that earlier... NO concern of how this topic relates to you -or- your OBLIGATION to fix it -or- your RESPONSIBILITY for any part of the topic. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, EVEN IF IT CONCERNS YOU... Don't be so vain... hee hee... I am processing... You are listening... This can be REALLY HARD (especially for men) but just listen... and then... if asked, you can give your take... BUT please don't be defensive... That scares the CRAP out of me!!!

--------------------------------------

Well... I'm sure there are more... and I'll add them later... AND until they are discussed individually with EACH "friend", there is NO obligation… BUT I also feel that these "3" points/desires are understandable AND I offer them automatically to you as well...

I'm Just Say'n...

Triage... (a thought in progress)

2008-12-16T10:15:00.000-08:00

"A process in which things are ranked in terms of importance or priority"

"A process for sorting injured people into groups based on their need for or likely benefit from immediate medical treatment. Triage is used in hospital emergency rooms, on battlefields, and at disaster sites when limited medical resources must be allocated."

I feel (FEEL being the optimal word), that in my life, up till now, I have been the Triagee and NOT the Triager...

I am always in some line of people, being ranked by priority and importance.

AND not being

1) INJURED enough to really require

or

2) IMPORTANT(Bright & Shinny) enough to have people trip over themselves to offer

the attention and resources that people have to ration out...

I find myself just injured enough and cool enough to be ranked somewhere way down the pecking order... Which can really, after being in this line a long time, be really painful.

AND

There is also the realization that coming off TOO injured/needy, you are taken out of line all together. The concern that giving you resources would -either- never be enough for you and would ultimately do you more harm then good -or- make you dependent on those scarce resources and you'd drain all of them. So rather than giving you any comfort (like a cold compress or morphine) you are just left a mangled mess, which is deeply, painfully, pitied but ultimately just ignored.

It is all justifiable to the person doing the ranking but it all comes down to personal self-motivated choices. No matter what they think, it is really about what they THINK they will get out of it ( or what burden of guilt they do NOT want to carry by not doing it).

But I'm now rambling off tract... (WHO ME?)

What I really wanted to say was, I need to EMBRACE that this is how it's going to be AND the trick is, for ME to NOTIFY EVERYONE, I AM THE ONE CHOOSING!!! I get to RANK the people in MY line. I need to remove the overly needy people that will drain me and NOT allow me to use as much of MY resources to get the best results for my life and the people I share it with.

I really LOVE the people in my life BUT I let them RANK ME... and that does not work... for THEM or ME... I am actually HIGHLY considerate of my choices and how they effect the people in my life. I try to HELP them in a way that benefits EVERYONE ... and this has come from a LOT of personal work and a deep understanding of the inner working of people... and I make mistakes and I am open to learning from them and listening to how I can better take care of them while taking care of myself.

But... I get caught up in other peoples lines and I wait like an idiot to move to the front and get my ration... and by that point what they have left for me is really pretty meager, AS they make plans to replenish their resources and give the new stock to the more deserving (according to their Triage criteria)... and I don't dare say anything... cause when I have... They threaten to cut off the ration they have been giving... "please sir, I wan suh moah!" (See Picture Above)

I keep forgetting I'M THE ONE OFFERING... I'm using up so much of my resources WAITING on line that a lot of my resources are NOT going to the people I RANK as high on my list.

I have to stop looking for lines to get into and start looking at who's in my line!!! And then rank them...

It's a dirty job BUT like it or not... Your either a Triager or Triagee... choose!

I'm just say'n...

Nothing Much... As I start to type... (Pains and Pangs)

2008-12-12T15:57:00.000-08:00

Nothing much to report on today...

Just sit'n at work, having great relaxed anticipation for the weekend... BUT no Expectations...

Just wanna relax into a fun weekend...

Gonna hang with a good friend tonight, we may go out, we may just hang in... Very relaxed and casual... Which is settling... And I am looking forward to NOT having to do anything tonight.

I do a lot... and I think it's been having a toll on me (if you've read my last few blogs Comfortable , Wanted , Silent , ... they've been a tad ungrounded... )

I think the worst part is getting tired and NOT feeling like there is anymore in me (at this time) and I need to stop. All I need to do is recharge but I feel frustrated that I've gone and worn myself out and I don't see any fruits of my labor. Which can be very discouraging...

Now, I didn't say there are not seeds planted and growing, or even full grown plants, or even big honk'n fruits growing on the high branches... I'm say'n, I don't see it...

I know I'm NOT who I've been... and even more lately NOT the "me" from just a few months ago... I am transforming... and this, to me, is GREAT! AND there will be growing pains and hunger pangs... and the dredging of the pit of my past which will cause painful sediment to float to the surface. But without this disruptive scrapping of the soft tender underbelly, you can never skim the scum which floats to the top, off the surface and out of your pond.

So... I HOPE... these profoundly, soulful, searching, disruptive and pain-ful/filled spells are the dispelling of the caked on layers of my past... like the rings of a tree, as I remove them I become younger... creating a lighter, cleaner container to contain my chosen visions...

I hope...

I'm just say'n...

Comfortable... The wrong kind...

2008-12-11T18:28:00.000-08:00

There is something to be said for being comfortable... for feeling like you can relax and not have to do anything... to settle into your skin, your surroundings, your company, your environment...

That level of being safe and sound with nothing left to do... It's all good...

But...

I'm beginning to think I'm discovering a really wrong kind of comfortable... a kind of giving up... NOT the good kind of surrendering when you stop fighting what you can't change and be at peace... This is more like accepting that my fears ARE not only founded, they are just a given... This is not a concern, it is my life and my future.

What's tweaking me so much is that I am practicing a scene and a monologue in an acting class where the characters are struggling to be heard, to be acknowledged and validated... To be comforted... and they are fighting tooth and nail for their place... and they are losing...

So... I don't know how much of this is effecting me BUT chicken or the egg... I am e/affected...
(sometimes being an actor ain't the best...)

All I know is that I have fought/STRUGGLED a lot of my life to learn, to understand, to navigate my emotional social stew... and I am really good at seeing things and finding ways to move others to really good spaces... cause I needed it for myself... I try to help people feel connected and welcome and loved whenever I'm around BECAUSE I do NOT feel connected, welcome or loved...

YEA I KNOW... I am loved... But my 5 year old inner child is NOT... and he keeps kick'n me in the shins and pointing out reasons why I am not, and I'm getting comfortable in the thought that I will never be... and this is the wrong kind of comfortable...

and I guess I really DON'T know it... because verbal intellectual expressions of love don't have anything to anchor those claims to, nothing tangible in my physical world... and at those moments we are NOT spiritual and one with the ether of the universe... we are not in our right brains... we are painfully left brain processing, trying to put the pieces of information we have together, to make them into something that makes sense in the world of FORM... and the pieces don't add up to love.

And I've never been comfortable here... before... and I really NEED to be uncomfortable again real soon.

I'm just Say'n...

WANTED...

2008-12-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

As I sit on the bus on the way to work I feel good. I've had my coffee, thanks to my new room mate HAVING a coffee maker & setting it up to autobrew... ahhhh luxury!!! So, my chemical enhanced mode is kinda Perky! :-D

But I know how yesterday (9am~7pm) was probably one of the saddest spells I've had in years... I Blog'd about it (Silent Running), so I'm not gonna rehash it... But I don't know why, except for lack of coffee, it was so HARD yesterday.

Dec is the month I started dating, proposed and married my ex-wife... plus I am alone and this a very prominent time of year to share and experience our connection to everyone, but particularly our loved ones. These loved ones are the people in our lives who make up our base, our foundation, the people who run to us in time of need as well as joy and we run too.

I do not have anyone... I don't even have someone to think about who might some day possibly be one of these peeps... and that... without coffee... is sad.

But while, not how I expect this to continue, there is this unsettling thought that this may be it, cause I've F'd it up, up till now and no matter how much people tell me how wonderful I am, I am socially confused enough to continue to miss opportunities for a connection.

BUT... This connection is all I "WANT"... But what I think is one of the most painful aspects is not that I want and don't have... But I want to be wanted by someone I want... I want to share that giddy energy of running toward someone who is running toward me (and NOT away from someone or something else)...

I don't know what gets fed, my ego, my inner child, my hormones, my image... all of thee above... But it is a great high... and it seems to have a calming, grounding, relaxing, kinda cocky effect... and that is a powerful vibe to own.

And without it, you have "DOUBT"... Doubt that you deserve it, it will ever happen, your self-worth, your man~ness, your sexual stature... Am I a desirable being to ANYONE?

And I've been married and had other longterm relationships in my life, so I have some proof that periodically, I've been "Wanted"... But in the insanity of the mind I find myself telling myself, it was a fluke or that they had issues so they don't really count...

Where is my Cinderella? The girl who has been waiting for her prince... I've been here... Searching, awkwardly, in disguise though I don't know it, a frog or servant who is, under it all, a prince. Where is she? Woman are constantly referring to looking for their Prince but in the story ONLY Cinderella gets the prince.

Or perhaps, Cinderella is not my story, there are lots of stories where people find this amazing mate and it follows a completely different scenario?

Well, I'm at work now... interesting trip... interesting blog'n the whole way...

but as a wrap up... I think Cheap Trip said it best... "I want you to want me"

~I'm just say'n

Silent Running...

2008-12-09T15:19:00.000-08:00

I have a grumbling Sadness in my heart...

Quiet can be lovely...

or

It can reveal that constant ache, that thorn, that open wound that has been bleeding for so long, you've learned to bare it, since you don't know how to heal it... You figure if it doesn't get any worse and it hasn't killed me... I guess it's not that bad...

But... Like cancer... It may be killing you... only real slowly... at first...

or

perhaps it's slowly driving you mad like Chinese water torture...

Or some other colorful artistic poet piece of pretentiousness I can regurgitate at this moment...

It's just kinda sad, feeling that if you admit you are sad, out loud... (and really, it's about being lonely), that you are going to scare off someone healthy, because being sad kinda makes you unhealthy...

OR

being sad will attract people looking to take care of someone...

OR

being sad will OBLIGATE people in your life to be nice to you cause they would be BAD PEOPLE is they didn't...

So you now create this pressure situation...

So, you attempt to drown it out with anything LOUD!!!, hoping that one day, when it's quite, it just wont be there... That it healed WHILE the noise was RAGING and you are just HEALTHY!!!

And for me it comes down to... I don't have someone who cares about ME... I know I have a lot of people who care about me BUT I'm talking about ME!!! That I am the most important person in their lives (beside themselves)... and they are the most important person in mine (besides myself).

There is a strength, described in the Peter Gabriel Song "In Your Eyes"(Which I proposed to my ex-wife to)... that you get when you have someone else to connect with...

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

I don't have a place to come back to...
I don't have a time with someone to keep me awake and alive...

And there are days I "DOUBT" that I ever will... and that is sad...

But... sometimes we are just so afraid to admit and announce our fear and pain... fearing that will only make it even worse and we'll lose the little comfort we do get... so we stay...

silent

Hollywood & Western & Philosophy

2008-12-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

While leaving my sick friend Reecy's place after sharing some soup, attention & affection I left for home on the Red line... She sent me off in her super hero sweatshirt "Girl of Redundancy Girl".

I had left home that morning thinking the previous days temperature would mimic today's (WRONG)... With all the ways of finding out simple things like temperature and the ability to blog from your cellphone the fact I GUESSED weather is really asinine!

So I left home in shorts, a t-shirt & sandals.

As I descended into the underworld of LA, it struck me how interesting the subway is visually... Hollywood does not resemble a city, like NY or Chicago, so as you are transported lower and lower under the city, you feel as if you are entering a whole other world... ESPECIALLY @ nite.

So I paused, missed a train or 2, wandering and exploring this other world...

the clean lines, the dirty people, the colorful yellows and the dingy muted pastels, blacks, white and grays...

We live in
one big art
installation...
and we are
both observers
and fodder for
this collage...
If we drill down
and take the
time to scan
through the
overlapping layers
we find "ourselves"...
and if we are
aware, we are
looking back.

Yesterday
is Gone.
Tomorrow
Never Comes.
Today is what
we have.
Struggle.
Persevere.
And Progress.

2008-12-03T09:09:00.001-08:00

I'm a cog in a macine whose purpose is 2 make cogs, a puzzle piece that fits by accident, matching cause my colors have faded

The Dollar...

2008-11-25T12:50:00.000-08:00

I had a good friend the other day...
speak'n life stuff...
mentioned that you need to NOT be attached to the Dollars you offer...

So as you offer people in your life $1,
it should have NO effect whether they accept it or not...

He said his life changed when he stopped offering things with a emotional attachment...
which was really BUYING not offering...

BUT the biggest idea came when he said...
I DON'T WALK AROUND WITH THE DOLLAR OUT... I don't even think about it... I just have a life... and during regular interactions... It may occur to me that this person seems to be in need of a dollar... oh, and I have one... and then I offer it... very casually with no weight to it... offer it... and then they either take it or not...

No WEIGHT placed on THEM to take it...
No WEIGHT on my side if they accept it...
It's just a dollar that I have...

THIS WAS PROFOUND FOR ME...
I walk around with the DOLLAR OUT A LOT!!!

I am learning to not hoard it but also...
to NOT feel the need to display it...
there will be an appropriate time for me to offer my worth...
and I will decide that...

Twitter... (The NEW Red Blinking Lite on your Answering Machine)

2008-11-20T14:15:00.000-08:00

I kinda noticed that I look forward to being twittered...
*( If you DON'T KNOW WHAT TWITTER IS... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twitter )*

Kinda like... Coming home (in the olden days) and noticing the Red Blinking Lite on my Answering machine...

"SOMEBODY WANTED ME WHEN I WAS AWAY!!!"

-or-

no blink...
"OH WELL, No One cares about me today"...

But

Then you read the text -or- listen to the message and it's either a ABC7 News update or telemarketer... AT LEAST on TWITTER, you can decide who's Stati you will receive and which ones get forwarded to your mobile...

But there is a LOT of fluff... and NOT a lot specific to me... BUT still, often I get to hear the mini-thoughts, the mini-moments of friends...

So it is a little bit special... Kinda... until you realize they just whispered this missive to 60-6000 peeps...

You just have to keep that perspective... NOT to respond EVERY TIME you read a Twitter from a friend BECAUSE it's more like a shout to a group rather than a whisper to you...

But still...

Sometimes...
It's kinda nice to be shouted at...
by a friend...

The Pavlovian Response... The Dog Didn't Always Salivate... and Not all Dogs Salivate... To the Same Bell...

2008-11-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

Why do we FEEL/ReAct the way we do?

We have these immediate, intense, automatic, visceral, sometimes deeply wrenching feelings... and then we have these physical reactions... and then we have our actions/reactions...

We know better, we've felt it before, we know that it has lead to BAD things... BUT we STILL do them.

WHY?

Because NOT responding in step, the way we've reacted before ISN'T AUTOMATIC, it IS EFFORT-FUL!!! No matter how much effort we expend repeating the action that we KNOW in our head, heart and bones is a BAD IDEA...

We LIKE a PLAN,

even a BAD plan is better than no plan at all (we feel). And without a replacement plan in place... We take the path we know, EVEN when we KNOW (intellectually) it's a bad idea.

Also... without another plan... if we DON'T initiate the OLD PLAN... we will sit in this limbo state, wondering what to do AND keep reconsidering the OLD PLAN.

The DOG DOESN'T CHOOSE TO SALIVATE... and We don't choose to feel and react...

So guess what, the bell rings and WE SALIVATE!!!

Someone does something that triggers/stimulates a mental and emotional response which manifests physically...

Now...
there are issues massaging out the kinks, the automatic reactions, that you want changed...

The issues are, we have to:

1) be aware that this response is NOT YOU, but an automatic reaction... the fact that the dog SALIVATES is not the DOG.... But the dog doesn't know that... BUT WE DO... or at least we CAN know it. We can check in and see if we are having an authentic -or- an automatic reaction... and decide to look into making another PLAN... Because we need to follow something, some plan, some program. So trying to ignore a bad, obsolete, ineffective, program/reaction/habit/plan does NOT reprogram it... and in that case, it will always be there, available to be activated.

2) have people around you that don't destroy you for SALIVATING... upset that you get emotional, react automatically, NOT react the way they'd like you to... that's like being angry at the dog for SALIVATING... They don't have to like it but they also don't have to HATE/JUDGE the you for it.

WE need to understand that we are all DRUG/CHEMICAL/STIMULUS beings... open, waiting and typically WANTING/LONGING to be effected.

We are constantly in a state of RECEIVING the NEXT input to move us from the current state to the next.

Whether you TAKE a drug or have the body produce a chemical, we are ALWAYS in ONE STATE of mind, OPEN TO ANOTHER STATE of mind, from some external stimuli.

SO!!!
How much of this stimuli can we self generate?
How much input can we filter, so as to NOT react the way we learned as a child to react because WE ARE NOT at that state of being anymore.

I have a very good friend who told me a few years back:
"I was noticing my automatic response to fear, and it seems I want to run "FROM" things that I fear... and I thought... how interesting it was... My physical reaction to choose "THAT" particular "DIRECTION"... What would happen, if I, as an intellectual exercise, chose to run "TOWARD" what I fear. NOT to be brave or have any other reason, but just to change the direction."

THAT, TO ME, IS BRILLIANT!!! So simple, and yet so amazingly transformational!!!

Something SIMPLE like this, in a really short period of time, can completely alter your experience of life and transform your world.

I was talking to another friend about making simple but DRAMATIC shifts in processing your world... and told him the concept of "It's MY Movie"... Not only am I the Writer, Producer and Director (of my life), I cast the darn thing. So besides being able to take more charge of the STORY (and the cast), I get to notice how I CAST myself. Am I the side kick, the next door neighbor, the dark knight, the misunderstood brooding poet... THE VICTIM... or am I the HERO!!! and If I have NOT cast myself as the HERO in MY MOVIE... WHY NOT???

I spoke with this friend a few months after this conversation, he said he had shared this with a friend of his... SHE was DRAMATICALLY effected by the concept... "Oh SHIT, I've been the Damsel in Distress... My whole LIFE!!!" He said, the conversation had a profound impact on her, shifting her reaction to the world, the stimuli, as if she were the HERO in her LIFE (HER MOVIE).

So,
I guess you can CHANGE your REACTION to the STIMULI
and
You can change WHO YOU ARE that is receiving the STIMULI.

AND EVEN WITH ALL THIS...
NO MATTER HOW MUCH WORK YOU DO...
You never know when you are going to SALIVATE???

Micro Blogging... and Texting in General... Thoughts... (1st Official BLog Here)

2008-11-01T19:54:00.001-07:00

I Micro Blogged (Twittered) this...

Wow... Twitter... How it "can" change your reception... They're perception...

And was asked "IS everything OK"...

My Reply... (and I'll edit/add to this blog...)

Well...

I was noticing how MICRO BLOGGING creates a very interesting social dynamic...

It's like little random thought bubbles being broadcast... even to a small group (30 twitter followers)...

the info gets disseminated, dissected and discussed... and it flavors the way you have occurred for those people and the way they occur for you...

BUT it's NOT TRUE conversation... it's snippets, which could be a rogue moment which, since it's NOT in person, not a real one on one connection, MUST be interpreted...

and then people form THEIR understanding of you (and you of them) based on some very tiny and cryptic scribed hiccups...

I'm just say'n... Not complain'n... Just a thought, an observation...

----- Addendum 1 10/28/08-----

So... Do NOT... stop yourself from communicating, sharing in snippets... Limited to 140ish characters BUT DO understand that peeps who don't know you (well... and even those who do)... may be massaging their opinions of you based on these snippets and if you ONLY Micro Blog when your in a UNIQUE space... a certain MOOD... some may ONLY have this info to go by... So don't be surpriesed when people see you and COMMENT on your Micro-Mood!!!

Just like a statement spewed in anger... once it is released... it can not be put back in it's cage!!!

----- Addendum 1 10/28/08 2:52 pm-----

Oh... One of the reasons I had this THOUGHT... was I've had people comment about "HOW are you"... and "You've been going though a rough period..." kinda comments... and realized... OH MY... I'm "sharing" a lot of random mood swings with a LOT of random people...

Sometimes it's really GOOD, letting the CAT out of the bad (yes, BAD) ... not letting it fester... having people who can relate to you, calling or just offering you their pathos and empathy...

BUT... there are times that this can create an IMAGE... of issues... which can diminish/taint (I said taint! hee hee) how you would like to be received in the community...

So, you have to OWN, be RESPONSIBLE for your words... and how they GIVE you the canvas that you can paint on in your community...

SO SHARE WISE-LY!!!

Sam(the Occasionally)Wise

How do we Listen??? Do we Listen??? How do we Care??? Do we Care??? Is it about You, Me or We??? (Tribe.net) Wed, October 1, 2008 - 4:41 PM

2008-11-01T15:21:00.000-07:00

[This is out of a conversation/Face book back and forth message I was having with a friend, it has been edited and addendum'd and re-written BUT the original thought was expressed in an email]

[Generalization... BUT hear the idea NOT the Generalization]

...I find a HUGE thing about MEN/WOMAN is MEN typically do not VENT to VENT, they VENT to work things out (They look for a way to NOT feel the way they are feeling...) They don't share UNTIL they are looking to work on it.

WOMAN will just VENT, looking for agreement, understanding and sympathy for their situation and their emotions attached to that situation.

NEITHER is WRONG...

It's just a different process...

Where there is an issue is between the sexes...

This issue is:
MEN listen like MEN and WOMAN listen like WOMAN... from THEIR perspective....

I have learned (and am learning) that when a WOMAN blogs... EVEN IF IT'S A SPECIFIC ISSUE... It's typically a VENT, she may just want to be heard... and want to continue in her own space... Working through it herself...

IF I (as a MAN) BLOG/SHARE publicly (UNLESS IT'S AN OBVIOUS RANT!!!) I WANT HELP... I don't think most WOMAN realize that. Men are kinda stoic, self-contained, trying to work it out for themselves and understand... If they get to a point where they are SHARING, they've taken a leap out of their space and are looking to take it on... move out of it!

NOW!!!

I'm cool about getting more savvy about picking up what people as individuals need when they communicate...

BUT...

I don't always know how to communicate what I need... LIKE... When I say I'm upset, or lonely, or anxious... This is my way of saying... I FEEL CRAPPY!!! Anyone wanna get a BEER!!! Hmmm... I guess from now on... I'm gonna say I FEEL CRAPPY!!! ANYONE WANNA GET A BEER!!!

duh... (that Solved...?)

>>>> Continuing from later on in the correspondence >>>>

I've been studying woman and just general human social dynamics since my separation/divorce 6 years ago... (prior to that more of individual dynamics, how people work ALONE - not in relationship) and realize how much you have to GET the persons vision of the world to communicate fully with them (Seek first to understand, then to be understood)...

I see a LOT of how I've been trying to understand woman and just social dynamics in general is from MY perspective... which explains why it doesn't work... Whether it's genetic, hormonal, sexual, status, ethics, aesthetics, religion or WHAT... I see that because of our differences we are TREATED differently causing us to have very different experiences of life... even when the environments are the same... It's our context that gives us our interpretation and reaction...

And I'm seeing things I've never seen before... both wonderful and frustrating...

I have met a LOT of MEN on this journey... And have had some fascinating conversations and experiences...

BUT...

lately I've been a bit frustrated with the lack of woman who TRY to understand WHY a man is coming from where he's coming from...

He's not just STUPID...

You shouldn't make him a project, try to fix him... ain't your job!!! BUT an overall curiosity of what could be the foundation of his behavior.

AND THEN BACK TO OURSELVES...

What is the foundation of our own behavior and WHAT patterns we've been repeating with really CRAPPY results...

AND

HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE MORE EFFECTIVELY...
... to get all our needs met, nurtured and respected!
WHILE STILL SERVING OTHERS
... getting their needs met, nurtured and respected!
(and they will do the same for us)

Hmmmm....

PERHAPS WE JUST NEED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT SERVICE... AND JUST BE AWARE WHEN WE ARE NOT BEING SERVED...
Take your attention off yourself and your needs will be met... Very Burning Man... No Expectations... Just GIVE... and Receive Graciously.

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 4:41 PM

-------------------- Comments -------------------

5 Comments

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 6:19 PM

I love the way you write!

...because it sounds just exactly like the way you talk. I can "hear" you reading this blog aloud to me, in my head!

(yes, Samwise, you live in my head! at least a small part of you does.) :)

I'm not sure I understand your main point--let me take a crack at it? (before I have to run up to a Bday party in LA)

You are feeling a bit frustrated by communication glitches, particularly between the sexes.
Perhaps you are just starting a dialogue about this topic??

I totally agree with you: A partner is NOT a fixer-upper. If you want one of those, buy real estate!!

gotta run!
much love to you my friend.

Keit...

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 6:20 PM

Thanks! Just what I needed to hear today. Or, were you asking for help? ;-)

Joan...

Wed, October 1, 2008 - 8:19 PM

Hark the Herald Sexes Sing...I agree on all fronts. I can really also appreciate a man who can receive a good vent without reacting and/or needing or wanting to change my feelings. It just leads to more venting and displaced anger onto him. You are really right about the way the sexes process things. You might be very interested in one of my blogs on tribe called "DMT & Eros:" a woman's perspective, of course. It is very important we understand how the other side deals with things to start to meet in the middle and/or achieve balance, giving, receiving, etc. Right on with the selfless giving. The imbalanced aspect of this however CAN result in martyrdumb if unchecked.

Cats...

Thu, October 2, 2008 - 11:00 AM

It's funny, because in my own anecdotal research, it's the women who endlessly attempt to figure out what the men are locking away in stoic silence. I guess it all depends on your sample population......
I've talked to many men who confess what their wives and girlfriends already know: that they tune their women out, hearing only the peanuts cartoon teacher voice: wah wah wah waaahh.
I do believe that we have gender-based differences in relating style, but that becomes a chicken/egg story. Did the patriarchy stomp out men's ability to relate holistically the way women do? Or did men's natural strengths in compartmentalizing and focusing on pure reason to the exclusion of emotion shape the patriarchy? either way, i look at all of us as suffering some degree of collateral damage. Raising a sensitive boy in this culture is one hell of a balancing act, i tell you! Raising a teen daughter is hair-raising, too! How does anyone grow up with sane identities in this enormous endless high school drama that we call american life?

delete this comment

Samwise

Thu, October 2, 2008 - 12:10 PM

To cat...

Ahh there it is...

"it's the women who endlessly attempt to figure out what the men are locking away in stoic silence. "

I'm NOT talking about their stoic silence... I'm talking about when they open their mouths... AND Woman TRY to figure it out...

When they are silent, they are processing... Unlike woman (generalization) who process out loud...

"that they tune their women out, hearing only the peanuts cartoon teacher voice: wah wah wah waaahh."

that's because a lot of the way woman process out loud... And men do that internally... until they either come up with a direction -or- ask for help... awkwardly... BUT if a guy is talking... he probably is looking for help and guidance...

WHEN THEY OPEN THEIR MOUTHS THERE IS NOTHING TO "FIGURE OUT" !!!
STOP TRYING TO INTERPRET MEN!!!
IF THEY TALK, MOST LIKELY, THEY ARE SAYING WHATS GOING ON!!!

My Ex-wife talked to a female good friend of mine(NOT ANY MORE) for over a year about her unhappiness with her life and ALL she did was LISTEN for a year... Didn't give her advice, didn't tell me, just let her get deeper into unhappiness and depression UNTIL she left me...

When I asked her why she hadn't told me -or- looked in anyway to help her friend NOT be miserable, she said, it was not place... and she felt it was in confidence between the two woman... and she just wanted to be there to support her...

LOOK...
I get listening for someone to vent and talk through things BUT A YEAR... is not supportive... IT'S HEARTLESS...
how could anyone watch someone suffer for a year!!!

OK SORRY... MY VENT... Back on track...

Chicken/Egg... Don't matter... It's the social skeletal at the moment...

What is Sensitivity?

Sensitive... to me... is AGAIN one of the habits of highly effective people...

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood..."

REALLY HARD when you are programed to do things EITHER FOR OWN NEEDS -or- for others because you WANT THEM TO LIKE YOU!!! Which is FOR YOUR OWN NEEDS!!!

Burning Man has a very interesting experience... WHEN you let go and experience it...

It's all about service, giving, focus on others needs...
AND you are the "OTHERS" for others, so you get your needs met...
NOT WANTS!!! But NEEDS!!!
You GET an opportunity to accept and try what is offered... Graciously...
AND you are grateful for the opportunity...
IF YOU GET IT... WHEN YOU GET IT... Before slipping back into the default world mentality...

Blast from my Musical Past... Circa 1983... SO MANY DREAMS (Tribe.net) Mon, August 11, 2008 - 11:32 AM

2008-11-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

I probably wrote this circa 1980 and played it in a few bands
BUT this is the Version I just found on cassette and have spent 3 hours...
Figuring out how to get it digitized...
then mp3 it...
and then loaded up to the Internet (and my mp3 player)...

Odd how the universe works...
I saw someones poetry online...
Thought...
Hey, what were the lyrics to that song I wrote & played in those band...
Hey, I'll try to put them in a word document...
Damn... what were they???,
Hey, I'll see If that OLD cassette is around...
Hey, It's the first tape I find...
Hey, I should digitize this...
Hey, I think I can digitize this... (I LOVE MY NOTEBOOK AND Wireless Internet!)
Hey, I think I'll put this up on the net!

And so you have it....

(Pardon the simplicity of the lyrics at times... I was 18)
(I'm doing keyboard and both the lead and background vocals... I had a YAMAHA 4 track!!! :-O WOW!!!)

So Many Dreams

LYRICS:

(a)
The night is young, I sit alone, with my mind
…and I think what bad company I keep…
The night is done, I sit at home, one more time,
…and I think that I shall never get to sleep…

CHORUS:
For there’re so many dreams
I have to make true
and I’ve done my time
of being blue
I’ve sat back and schemed
I fantasize too
and I’ll make them work
and so can you

(a)
No one seems to ever mind, that I’m here
but do they know, really who I am
No one seems to find the time to be sincere
and no one tries to truly understand

(b)
That I want to be with those I feel like
Those that make me smile and feel right
So deep I feel this smile inside me
This worm and happy force that guides me

(c)
Just one small chance, Just unlock the door
that’s all I want, I won’t ask for more
All I want is, Is that you understand
All I want is, It that you know that I am

(a)
There are times I’ll take the time to “LOOK AT ME”
I try so hard to make them look and see
Now I have reason and rhyme, I need no one
I put myself, second next to none

(d)
I’ve spent my life, trying to give myself away
I’ve spent my life, Looking for words just right to say
Now I think that, I’m gonna try some different ways
Now I think that, I’ll make myself those brighter days

(a)
Time goes by as I perform, for myself
No one buys a ticket to my show
Feelings fly as I write songs, for the shelf
It’s OK, soon everyone will know

Chorus:
That there’re so many dream
I had to make true
And I need myself
Much more than you
I sit back and scheme
I fantasize too
and I’ll make it work
with or without you

For there're so many dreams
I had to made true
and I’ve done my time
of being blue
I’ve sat back and schemed
I fantasized too
and I’ve made them work
and so can you…

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 11:32 AM

------------------------- Comments -----------------------

1 Comment

Buck...

Wed, August 13, 2008 - 8:38 PM

The song and your hair are very Beatle-esque! Keep rocking Samwise!!!

Ok... Kodak commercials and Sappy Broadway show tunes... :*( [MORE CONFESSIONS OF A THEATRE FAG] (Tribe.net) Sun, August 10, 2008 - 4:56 PM

2008-11-01T15:12:00.000-07:00

This song was in a show at my theatre (The Mark Taper Forum) called "13"
and it's a story about turning 13 and dealing with the (normal) stuff you go through, and just dealing with friends, fitting in, school and stuff.

But this SONG pains me, makes my cry...
Between the song, the arrangement and the AMAZING voice on this 15 year old girl...

It kinda reminds me of god spell... I AM SO FAGGY!!!

What it means to be a friend

Sun, August 10, 2008 - 4:56 PM

--------------- Comments -------------------

2 Comments

Carl...

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 10:09 AM

You crack me up Sam :)

Samwise

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 11:43 AM

Crack up...

Just putt'n it out there... ;-)

Quirky little hobbit that I am...

Body Lab... Experiment - Start Date 08/04/08 - Current Date 08/09/08 (Tribe.nt) Sat, August 9, 2008 - 8:42 AM

2008-11-01T15:08:00.000-07:00

I'm trying some radical changes in food...

But is it so Radical?

I continue to choose to enjoy my vices... caffeine, alcohol and other things... on a moment to moment basis...

BUT I choose to change my regular gluttonous and unthoughtful eating intake...

So... since 08/04/08... I've been living on Protein Shakes, coffee and alcohol... :-O

:-D

Down about 7 lbs in 6 days...

GorgJosh (That's how I spell it, Rather than the Presidential Ticket - Gore-Josh) has suggested FIBER... His suggestion, oatmeal and Whole Wheat Bread with Peanut butter... Man after 5 days... 1 slice, folded over some Peanut Butter was AMAZING!!!

Also added Wheat Germ to my apple juice, Frozen Strawberry, protein Powder shakes...

And Josh also got me on Omega 3 Fish Oil (doin 1200ml/3 times a day) and some One a Day MALE Vitamins)

NOW... AS I go to a wedding today... I plan to enjoy it... Kinda like my vices... SO... I'll EAT... BUT I do not plan on stopping my Lab... Just NOT being tough on myself BUT am trying to be more FOCUSED and CHOOSE more... Most of the time my MOOD chooses (which is my emotions/Ego) or my PAST chooses (Habit and Ritual) or THE food CHOOSES (It LOOKS good, Smells good, is FREE, Is convenient). ALL of these are CRAPPY reasons to put something in your mouth. (Insert your OWN joke... I'll wait...... ...... ...... ...... ......)

When you use these reasons, unless you are being REALLY aware... you probably are eating things that are NOT fulfilling the true purpose of eating... NOURISHMENT and FUEL. And this wonderful experience turns into just another VICE... a FIX... a temporary stimuli to make you feel ANYTHING but the way you are CURRENTLY feeling... And from the past, when we've done these things... it's usually better... OR it was better ONE TIME... and we are trying to get that feeling BACK... that's why we repeat the pattern OVER and OVER and OVER... (Wow, I just got that...)

For the time being... I'm going to stop the insanity... and be EXTREME... Just while I recalibrate...
or perhaps...
It's not that extreme...
USE RECREATIONAL VICES ONLY RECREATIONLLY,
when YOU choose freely...
and CHOOSE to put them where they belong in your life NOT everywhere...

(That also kinda makes their use actually kinda Special!!! Kinda? I think it's the caffeine... hee hee)

P.S. Exercise to follow... I KNOW, I KNOW... But let me change ONE neural pathway at a time... GEEEZE!!!

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 8:42 AM

------------------ Comments -------------------

6 Comments

Cats...

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 8:49 AM

I am working on this, too....trying to be mindful about when and why I go on drinking binges. Sometimes giving myself permission to do so (when all my ducks are in a row and it will be harmless.) Everything in the world is a Medicine--food, drugs, people, activities, thoughts, even opinions and attitudes are Medicine. It's a matter of harmonizing them and balancing them.

Thanks for another great blog!

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 9:43 AM

Why don't you just finish it off...
Hey there is a piece with your name on it....
I got this for you.....
Lets go eat something....
Its hard to say NO sometimes but these are the things that make me go over my calorie limit.
It takes me a long time and although I've dropped about 16 pounds it has taken months.

Good work Sam! I'll see you at the wedding as well and I guess its one of those times when I have to have a small piece of cake.
It feels so much better to be healthy at a manageable mass and the obsession at my age with all the weights, hiking and yoga, flexibility.

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 1:22 PM

Sam,

I truly have no idea what to make of this diet you're on.....
I really don't. I have all sorts of conflicting thoughts about it. Some are really positive & thinking it's cool! Some a little worried for you--
but what's important is, I doubt you'll harm yourself; and YOU'RE happy.
Those things of course matter waaaaay more than any judgment I might make.

But the gist of my comment here is--
I LOVE reading what you write!
It's so YOU!
I can totally hear you speaking in my head as I read this.
(and no, there's not any medicine for that; and no, I don't want any anyway!)
I wish you'd write blogs about your thoughts & experiences, more often!!

One thing that DOES worry me terribly--
Did you notice, in the photo you have posted along with this blog--
Your spine isn't straight! Technically, you have scoliosis.
(Believe me, I know all about scoliosis, after my skating crash.)
And your lungs are black!!

But man, that diet sure has muscled you up. And look how happy you are! You're glowing!
See why my reviews of your diet are so mixed??!

Yair	Sat, August 9, 2008 - 2:45 PM Go vegan - trust me, taking meat off your diet will be a great relief for your body!

Samwise

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 3:26 PM

VeganSkater & Yair!!!

VS... You made my protein shake come out my nose!!! AND It's really THINK!!!

Yair... The protein in my shake is BEEF!!! (That's how I get it really think and frothy!)

Kaizen

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 5:20 AM

Lose the alcohol....... especially if you're not consuming much else. Your liver will thank you.

The Pit... (Tribe.net) Fri, August 8, 2008 - 5:58 PM

2008-11-01T15:04:00.000-07:00

Day 1:
I Walk down a road, fall into pit, it's dark and frightening,
I scream, I yell, I cry, I kick, I scratch, I claw, I climb and
eventually find my way out...
I look back at the hole and damn it.
and continue on...

Day 2:
I Walk down the same road, fall into the same pit,
it's dark and frightening but familiar,
I scream, I yell, I cry, I kick, I scratch, I claw, I climb BUT not as long as the first time and
find my way out...
I look back at the hole and damn it..., but not quite as energetic...
and continue on...

Day 3:
I Walk down the same road, notice the hole, try to avoid it, BUT fall into the same pit anyway,
it's dark and annoying but familiar,
I scream, I yell, I cry, but mostly out of frustration, I kick, I scratch, I claw out of righteousness, I climb BUT am becoming familiar with the foot and hand holds, and though there is effort, I climb out with great focus and
find my way out...
I look back at the hole and damn MYSELF...,
and continue on...

Day 4:
I Walk down the same road, notice the hole, try to walk completely around it, BUT can't take my eyes off it and fall into the same pit anyway,
it's dark, but my eyes adjust very quickly,
I mumble under my breath mostly out of self annoyance and the stupidity of the world, I climb AND am QUITE familiar with the foot and hand holds, and with only minimal effort, I climb fairly quickly and
find my way out...
I look back at the hole and shrug my shoulders...,
and continue on...

Day 5:
I Walk down the same road, notice the hole, walk completely around it, BUT turn around and peer down it fascinated and fall into the pit anyway,
it's dark, but this is not an issue, my eyes don't even need to adjust to start my ascent,
I pontificate loudly to myself and any passer by, how you can't avoid these pits, it's just the way it is, I quickly climb out, with little effort and
find my way out...
I glance back at the hole and raise one eyebrow...,
and continue on...

Day 6:
I Walk down the same road, aim right for the hole, JUMP into it,
it's dark and comfortable, I muse at the dirt and rock and things in the pit that have fallen in and take my time, I leisurely start to leave,
I have nothing to say, I just climb out, with expert speed and
KNOW my way out...
I continue on without looking back...,
and continue on...

Day 7:
I CHOOSE A DIFFERENT ROAD!!!

Fri, August 8, 2008 - 5:58 PM

---------------- Comments ----------------

7 Comments

Kami...

Fri, August 8, 2008 - 6:04 PM

*KK moves to next street. Digs new pit*
Hey!
Sam!!
Over here!!!
KK

Arell

Fri, August 8, 2008 - 6:19 PM

Sometimes I think that I go lookin' for a pit...

Samwise

Fri, August 8, 2008 - 8:56 PM

Looking for the pit... (Arell)

That's Somewhere between Day 4 & 6...

For so MANY silly reasons...
-To prove it's NOT a pit,
-to prove that it's not a BAD pit,
-to show that I wasn't DUMB and it was INTENTIONAL that I chose that pit,
-to justify the LAST pit,
-to CHANGE the pit
To name a few...

Don't avoid the road, which puts attention on it (and takes effort),
LEARN that there are an infinite number of roads AND a FINITE amount of time.
If a choice doesn't work, then choose to learn, be wise, and choose again...
And share the path... a MAP can be a life/time saver...

K-	Sat, August 9, 2008 - 4:29 AM :)

Cats...

Sat, August 9, 2008 - 8:42 AM

My day 7 (I hope):

I walk down the road, gazing up at the pretty sky.
Staring at the wildflowers, I skip jauntily along.
Eventually, I realize I'm halfway down the road, and I haven't seen that pit I used to keep falling into.
I squint my eyes to locate it back down the trail, and can't discern it from the pattern of light and shadows thrown by the flowers and foliage.
I smile, and skip the rest of the way.....

Until a new obstacle starts the cycle again! Yeehaw!

Thanks for the poem, Samwise! Really made me think this morning.

Kaizen

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 5:17 AM

"And why do we fall?"...........

"And why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."
Thomas Wayne

Samwise

Mon, August 11, 2008 - 7:54 AM

But... Why do we fall again???

Because... we didn't learn...

-or-

We are addicted to the struggle...

I am such a Theatre FAG!!! Spring Awakening... (Tribe) Fri, July 25, 2008 - 1:23 PM

2008-11-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

...is giving me chills... and tearing me up... and I'm just watching it on YouTube...

www.youtube.com/watch

www.youtube.com/watch

I really miss (yearn for) GOOD Powerful theatre... (Not just trite or pretensious)
and this show is Painfully Good...
Based on a banned Play written in Germany in 1890 about teenage pain, confusion, sexuality and suicide...

I have NOT seen it but it will be in town (downtown LA) October 29 - December 7, 2008
Center Theatre Group Spring Awakening
(The damn music in the Promo is giving me chills and making me tear up...)

Maybe I'm just going thru Man-opause...

All I know is I miss being moved by something on stage and BEING on stage moving others...

We all need to go see this show... Multiple times...

Story:
www.springawakening.com/pop-fu...ory.htm

Fri, July 25, 2008 - 1:23 PM

--------------- Comments ---------------

2 Comments

Amanda

Fri, July 25, 2008 - 1:37 PM

Let's go! My man was a serious theater *ahem* fag in high school and I bet he'd love to get out and see a show. I would! let's call it a date for sometime in fall.

Corinne

Sat, July 26, 2008 - 1:37 PM

I'm a theatre fag too!!!

It just feels so good to come out. I'm a theatre FAG and I'm PROUD!!! BTW I'd love to go see the show with you.

XOXO, Corinne

Long time NO post... Time to become Journal Boy... (Tribe.net) friends only Fri, June 13, 2008 - 5:15 PM

2008-11-01T14:57:00.000-07:00

I've coming out of my cocoon...

Booking more acting jobs...

Having more fun...

I'm Seeking less and Needing less Approval...
And Getting more of it...
Funny how that works...

Being aware and respectful without being overly concerned about other peoples processing...

Everyone is on the same journey but not always or typically at the same point on the path at the same time...

I'm far more connected to intention these days... or at least my mirth and grounding myself in the knowledge that I am an amazing human and I surround myself with those who get that -and- I aim to inspire and nurture the amazingness in them!

...And for those who choose other ways of being, other ways of seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching...
Those who choose to be unaware of the amazing Beings around them, the amazing Being everybody is...

I just choose to love them more (really)...
... Give them space (as long as I know)
.........and wish them well on their journey (God speed)...
...............with whatever companions they choose to travel with (just not me)...

Go with God... But please go...

All I ask is to be left to explore,
...with the companions I choose,
.......unencumbered by judgments, musings and discussions of me and my companions (without our presence),
............and for you to defend everyones right to choose, unoffended by their choices (they are not personal)
..................and I shall afford you the same courtesy and grace

And if I have committed this offense, well, shame on me...
I implore my friends to call me on it, hold the mirror up to me and shatter my hypocrisy ...
My past, My child, My fear was triggered and I forgot who I've worked so hard on becoming...
And I will thank you for making me aware of my digression, my transgression, my true mission...
For making me just plain AWARE of and bringing me back to this moment...

and...

Shame on me,
My friend...
If I don't do this for you...

Fri, June 13, 2008 - 5:15 PM

----------------- Comments -----------------

3 Comments

Kami...

Fri, June 13, 2008 - 6:45 PM

Well!

I never liked Ya, and fuck yer day!
Good to see you here!!!!
KK

Amanda

Fri, June 13, 2008 - 6:46 PM

Sounds like good stuff, Sam. Congratulations on the growth and acting jobs!

Fri, June 13, 2008 - 10:31 PM

Fill yer boots, man!

Being sick gives you... (Tribe.net) Tue, September 19, 2006 - 1:58 PM

2008-11-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

Lot's of time to hallucinate and sweat and ache...

And feel Lonely...

It's weird... No matter how many times you hear and FEEL loved...

When you're lying alone, with a fever, aching in a pool of your own sweat...
and you start having fever induced hallucinating flashbacks to past relationships where someone cared when you weren't 100% lucid/yourself...

it really feels crappy...

You wonder why you don't have anyone who cares about you...
You wonder what's wrong with you...
You wonder why at this point in your life you are alone(AGAIN)...
You wonder if THIS is the rest of your life...
I'm just FULL of WONDER... IT'S WONDERFUL...

You lie there and think... I could call someone... Hmmm... who's in the Valley??? I could call a lot of people... Hey I know a lot of people... and they like me... even perhaps love me (OK not perhaps... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... I LOVE ME... YOU LOVE ME... UNT AGAIN)

And then you feel so worthless... so small... so pathetic... to have to ask for help... for someone to bring over some OJ... some hot soup... a kind word... just to feel connected...

Like all my peeps have telepathy (hey... some of you do... we're gonna hafta have a TALK!!!)... Like you guys would randomly check in to see if I'm OK... Most people (including myself... I also fall into the MOST category) assume that when you are in need... as long as it isn't pathologically ALL THE TIME... you'll let us know... and it will be fine. MORE THAN FINE... Happy to help!!!

BUT... When you're in the middle of the need... you just start to spiral down and it's an up hill battle, actual effort... to think of anything that will bring you out of your funk... and it's SO much easier to ENABLE the funk!!! You're already heading in that direction... already wallowing in sweat... so transitioning over to wallowing in self pity is a real effortless...

Well... now I'm healthy and wondering who that FREAK was...

And the damn thing is... that FREAK is ME!!! at least a part of me... the non-logical, non-spiritual, frightened, small, scared, hurt child lurking in the shadows of my MIND...

So... My Pack Love Wolves...

How do we nurture this child and take care of this child without giving into his/her BS?

Also...

I'd like to offer myself as a person anyone in my friend list can call for help... If I can NOT help at that time... I will at the very least put out an APB (a phone call or 2... and on tribe) that you're in need and then will follow up as soon as I can...

It just seems with the amazing peeps in my life (and in each others lives) this disconnected pathetic story can be put to rest... there is always someone in the group who can reach out... and bring us home.

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 1:58 PM

------------------- Comments -----------------------

10 Comments

bunny

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 2:04 PM

We only get the help we ask for. I'm sorry you were sick - sorrier that I didn't know about it. I would have brought you some soup. Glad you are feeling better! Next time.... get your @ss on tribe and make a request...!!! I know many would step up. Be well...

~Klear~

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 3:23 PM

I agree with K Bunny, we do only get the help that we ask for. Not everyone can read minds, however i'm not sure that would be always a good thing if we could.
But those feelings, 100% natural. I think shit like that even when I'm not sick. Its just a yearning inside that needs to sometimes be fullfilled. Sometimes not always spoken "needs:" but I think deep-down those needs are always there, they just com eout a little more when we are not feeling our best.

Know that you are NEVER lonely. Know that there is always someone there. and know that you are definetly LOVED. Especially within our family, thats a given.

Glad you are feeling better though Sam, keep drinkin that juice and next time put a shout-out on tribe if need be!

Love ya! :)

~krys~

KT	Tue, September 19, 2006 - 3:25 PM silly samwise you're right... you ARE loved!

Ann	Tue, September 19, 2006 - 3:33 PM Boys are such big babies! : ) Hope you feel better soon.

R O N A

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 4:33 PM

i feel ya

man...I don't know what I got...but I need to sleep most of time right now...sweatin...being lonely...all that shit..

I think I'm gonna have my X bring my cat over tonight...he loves to cuddle...cuddle me asleep.

~R

Ann	Tue, September 19, 2006 - 4:39 PM I heard a lot of people got sick at Burning Man this year. I was tired before midnight and would sleep and wakeup before dawn to watch the sunrises -- weird. I felt like I was coming down with something too.

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 5:15 PM

Awww Samwise.....

I know exactly what you're feeling.

And you did the right thing....blogged about that inner child, acknowledged him, and where you were when he spoke up in your head so loudly. I think it's usually when we're down in some way, physically, emotionally, or whatever....that's when the little child in us, the whiner comes forth and tries to make his needs known. We all have one..... and that inner child can prey on those things or areas of our life where we feel inadequate. Being alone is tough. But tell that inner child again, you're not really alone. You have all your tribe friends, and from what I've seen, you are very loved. So just ask, and your friends will help you out.

So glad you're feeling better,

vixxen

Băd-...

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 5:17 PM

That sucks when you feel like that. I guess I take my baby for granted when I am sick as she will baby me a little bit. I am sorry you were ill and I didn't know. Not that there is much I could have done from SD, but I surely would have called out the LA troops. What you needed was a big bowl of chicken soup.

Come down to BronChop's this weekend and we will all love on you.

B-D

Carly

Tue, September 19, 2006 - 6:13 PM

Glad you're feeling better!!

Hey Sam...
I'm glad you were able to write it down and get it out...that usually helps alot in getting over things. I wish I would have known you were sick...anytime you feel you need anything, be reassured you're surrounded by LOTS of people who DO LOVE YOU! Myself included. Here's my digits so you can call anytime incase there's a reaccurence sometime, or just if you want to chat, or do something fun :) Love yah Sammy...
Carly D
310.497.9393

Wed, September 20, 2006 - 12:39 AM

Thanks for getting better ... and for being aware that people show up when you ask for them. I got sick after burning man and totally was feeling what you were feeling. I also got that some people in my life aren't the touchy feelies that do that stuff. People also sometimes assume that you'd like to be left alone, so if you are feeling it, just ask for it, my friend.

New Tools... (Tribe.net) Sat, July 1, 2006 - 10:55 AM

2008-11-01T13:05:00.001-07:00

When all you have is a hammer... Everything looks like a nail!

I spend a lot of my time seeking, learning, exploring, trying on new ways of living my life day to day...
Somethings don't work BUT unless you try them... You don't know?

Sometimes seeing or experiencing someone else doing it clues you in that that's NOT what you want to do
BUT
Sometimes it's not clear... and you wonder...

The only thing you do know is...
what you are currently doing is NOT working...
That is...
If you take the time to be AWARE and NOTICE it something YOU'RE DOING...

One tool I like is...
1) DO WHATEVER YOU DO...
2) CHECK IN TO SEE THE RESULTS YOU GET (FROM DOING WHATEVER YOU DID)...
AND
3) THEN ADJUST...
And THEN REPEAT!!! (Like Shampoo) hee hee

Most of the time...
we don't do 2)
and
we are far to brilliant (or is that INSANE) to ever do 3)

When it dawns on me... I get to get off the Hamster wheel... at least till I fall back asleep at the wheel and get back on again...

I LOVE SIMPLE TOOLS: Things that just gently, intelligently, simply move me into another thought... an exploration into something different... IF the thought I am currently having does not serve me or anyone...

My NEWEST TOOLS: (2 tools)

1) "No Circumstance Requires a Negative Conversation."

Simple: The negative conversation (I'm stupid, no one will ever love me, I'm insignificant, I'm an idiot, I'm ugly, I'll always be alone...) is NOT required... No Bad or Wrong... so I don't even have to have a negative conversation about my negative conversation... Just understand for a moment... that THEY are NOT REQUIRED...

For me... That completely removes all the weight from them...all the significance... and I seem to immediately let them go... or at least... it lightens for the moment... opening up something that wasn't available before.

2) "When you remove the Negative Conversation, what's left?"

TO ME... This is NOT a question to be answered intellectually at this moment... It's a tool to use when you are having a negative conversation... when you become aware that you are deep in it... it's running you... it's giving you your experience of life at that moment...

Just think...

Hmmm... If I removed this negative thought... Just for the fun of it... just out of curiosity... what would I be left with... what else is there under it, behind it, on either side of it, even inside it? Just exploring the REST of the space? Maybe there are some good things you are NOT seeing... Perhaps... there is NOTHING... which is really quite ZENish? Emptiness, like a blank canvas... gives you the opportunity to create something NEW...

But
whatever is LEFT...
whatever shows up when you have this conversation with yourself...

IT AIN'T NEGATIVE...

and that's all I wanted to get to anyway...

Sat, July 1, 2006 - 10:55 AM

----------------- Comments ----------------

7 Comments

Sat, July 1, 2006 - 11:25 AM

Stupid question: Negative conversation with somebody else, or negative conversation with yourself?

Samwise

Sat, July 1, 2006 - 2:27 PM

There are no Stupid questions...

Unless you count... "Is this a stupid... Am I being Stupid... Would I be Stupid if...?" Because Stupid is in the question... I'm just being silly and digress (as usual)

>Stupid question: Negative conversation with somebody else, or negative conversation with yourself?

Well... Let me think about it. (I'm riffing so don't hold me to it.... BUT...)

With yourself "definitely"...

With someone Else???

Well... If you are talking to someone who has NOTHING to do with the negative conversation... If it's to blow off steam WITHOUT dumping, without DEFAMING someone else... That's gonna happen and initially, if it doesn't grow beyond that initial BLOW OFF... That's ok-ish...

IF IT GROWS... That's a problem... Now, not only are you in a Negative conversation, your either INFECTING or being INFECTED by it... Language is a VIRUS... and it comes with symptoms... anger, lethargy, anxiety, exhaustion, fatigue... blah, blah, blah... Notice, when you lose a negative conversation... there is a shift in experience...

So know that not only are you fueling a negative conversation... your co-infecting the space... how icky is that!!!!

NOW... If you are bringing the negative conversation to the person you are having the negative conversation about SO AS TO TAKE ACTION... and clean it up... Then this is a positive action because the ACTION... the PURPOSE... is to clear the space.

NOW!!! This negative conversation is NOT an ATTACK OR a DUMPING... It's a revealing of what's been going on in your head... a confession... an admittance that you have been concealing something... you have NOT been authentic with yourself or others... which creates really nasty internal conflict and turmoil... This is also why you bring it out... so you aren't left with the festering boil in the bowel of you gut/mind. You do NOT defend your negative opinion, you reveal it... and NOT apologize for having it BUT apologize for NOT being open... not keeping the communication open... and then LISTEN...

NO matter what happens... you've gotten offending infection cleaned out... so you can heal.

~Klear~

Sat, July 1, 2006 - 8:39 PM

Hmmm that "negative conversation" thing sounds VERY familliar! :)

Lady	Sun, July 2, 2006 - 9:34 PM preach it my brother As usual, just what I needed to hear at an excellent time for me to hear it.

Samwise

Mon, July 3, 2006 - 8:12 AM

Familiar... Hmmmm... Ain't that funny...

>(Krystal) Hmmm that "negative conversation" thing sounds VERY familliar! :)

Yup... It's called being human...

It's really simple...
we can either have a negative conversation,
a positive conversion
-OR-
NO CONVERSATION (Zen)...

BUT (Here's the human part)...

WE DON'T GET TO CHOOSE THE FIRST ONE WE GET... IT JUST HAPPENS!!! (NEG, POS, NO)
Like standing outside when if first starts to rain, it just starts to get you wet...
THEN you get to CHOOSE how long you want to stay in the rain? how wet is wet enough? what is available other than standing outside? is there an umbrella? is there shelter? is the rain warm and cleansing? is it cold and stinging? is it becoming hail? do I need to stay in the rain to experience a rainbow?...???

Without these inquiries... we just stand there and feel "This is my life... Here AGAIN in the rain..."... and stand there and stand there and stand there... Your EXPERIENCE(conversation) of life at this moment is not an accident... it is by design.

IF you don't like it... change something... alter the recipe -or- don't be surprised when you get the same cake... CHOOSE.

Jenny

Tue, December 11, 2007 - 8:51 PM

So right!!!

Thanks for sharing!

Samwise

Tue, December 11, 2007 - 9:03 PM

Now the trick...

Is getting it out of your head and into your heart!

Tagged: I'M IT!!!! Eight things you may not know about me – I been tagged - By: Michelle LaVon(and on) (Tribe.net) Tue, June 20, 2006 - 5:42 PM

2008-11-01T12:44:00.000-07:00

RULES - Once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 8 facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

UPDATES/ADDITIONS: (Marked [date: info]) as I think of additions...
[06/21/06: info]
[06/22/06: info]

1) Born

[06/21/06: Samuel Alan Perlmutter changed the last name to Aaron(my fathers first name) in 1996]

and Raised in NJ. Youngest of 4 children. Sister 15, sister 12, brother 6 & me. The reason I'm the youngest is my dad died when I was 10 weeks old

[06/22/06: A No Dad Revelation... would-you-like-to-meet-my-lie-2 ]

and my mother never remarried or moved (or got over his death or his abandoning her). Leaving me in a house of woman... and a pretty bitter Mom. She was bitter before... just his leaving her with 4 kids, one being an infant was just one more thing he did to her (Argh). I was told she use to walk around the kitchen before he died, crying out loud, "Why did God do this to me"... Ahhh... The happiest (and healthiest) place on Earth to grow up.

2) My family, when I was born, were NJ Egg Farmers. I was told my Dad use to walk around with 100lb bags of feed on each shoulder and walk through the coups, feeding the chickens. Sturdy Polish stock. He moved in (I think) 1917 @ 5 from Poland. My mom was a poor NY girl (not a country girl at all!!!) and experienced the Depression and Prohibition... experiencing drunks on home made liquor strewn about the streets of NY or just convulsing outside her window... She also use to talk about buying a new paper, getting a candy bar and seeing a movie with a nickel and getting change or walking 6 miles to save 9 cents on milk when she was older. She pretty much NEVER got to have fun and never GOT to be a kid SO neither could we. So me choosing to be an actor completely was something she did not support or she had any pride in. So she married a farmer (a really hard life) hated it, had four kids and then was left with that life alone... My Mom never celebrated holidays or birthday or such... No presents, no decorations... I remember coming home one day from school, I was probably about 7, during December and saying how all the kids were talking about what they got... and when I told her... she said "their just bragging, just make up something to tell them what you got"... She didn't get I wasn't trying to COMPETE with them or show off... I wanted to know why didn't I deserve something? What did I do wrong? I also remember her re-gifting a toy that someone else gave me... She didn't ask, she just wrapped it up in old wrapping paper... and gave it to someone she use to baby sit... When I questioned her, she just said... "Well, you weren't using it"... I exclaimed "BUT it wasn't yours to give away"... She didn't get it... She could justify anything anytime... and she was NOT responsible for ANYTHING that ever went wrong. Don't get me wrong... I was loved, fed, never beaten or abused, never reprimanded, had a lot of fun and freedom, lived on 32 acres with a lake and was always out wandering the woods exploring... had a lot of friends... So there were really good times... BUT if it weren't for TV, the Brady Bunch, the courtship of Eddie's Father... I don't know if I would have turned out the way I did... Cause I sure didn't get any sense of family from... uhhh my family.

3) I actually received unemployment while going to High School. I worked in An Amusement park 40hrs a week during My senior year of HS and off season (5 months) I claimed Unemployment Insurance... They tried to argue that I was going to HS, But I just said 1) I was going to HS when I was working 40 hrs SO I could, in Theory, still work 40hrs in anther Job... 2) I'M PAYING UNEMPLOYMENT UNSURANCE ON MY PAYCHECKS... I'M UNEMPLOYED... They had to agree... So twice a month I'd sneak out of school early to pick up my Unemployment Check... hee hee...

4) I'm the only person at my community college to ever received 3 degrees at the same time (took 3 1/2). I studied theatre, and at the end of 2 years... about to graduate... It dawned on me... I'm gonna starve!!! (Thanks MOMS voice in my head)... So I tried ONE computer class AND LOVED IT!!! I took every possible course for the next 1 1/2 years... I realised I had earned enough credits for not only the Theatre degree but 2 different computer degrees. When I went to give in the paperwork... I was told you can NOT get more than ONE at a time... I said... What's the difference between getting a degree, and coming back for a 2nd degree... and getting multiple at the same time... she said "THAT'S JUST POLICY"... :-\... She said... WHY DO YOU NEED 3 DEGREES... I told her I earned them and wanted them... and what was it to her anyway??? after a long argument she AGREED to give me 2 degrees... I said "if you can arbitrarily give me 2... GIVE ME 3"... She said "GO DOWN STAIRS AND TELL THE WOMAN YOU'RE GETTING 2 DEGREES"... after a few more heated moments... It dawned on me that "I WAS TELLING THE WOMAN DOWN STAIRS I WAS GETTING 2 DEGREES..." so I said OK... Went down stairs and told her "I'm getting 3 degrees'"... and when I went to graduation... as I gave my name to the person giving out the degrees she exclaimed... "Hey, you're the one getting 3 degrees"... So... I guess I'm a Legend in Toms River NJ... hee hee... THE SYSTEM WORKS!!!???

5) I've worked in PROFESSIONAL (Paid hour 40+ hours week) Haunted Houses, scaring people and directing, on and off for 25 years... and did corporate computer programming for 15 years (Stopped in 99'... Oh I miss the cash and stability BUT Love not being STRESSED)

6) Was married for 10 years... Ended Sept. 2002... she just informed me out of nowhere (Am I thick or what) that "I can't do this any more... I've already been to a mediator, when can you go"...

[06/21/06: OH YEAH... After lots of FUN conversations, she told me she had NEVER Loved me... That will FUCK with ya!!!]

7 weeks later... paperwork was signed... COMPLETELY DEVASTATED ME (and I still have pangs)... BUT I wouldn't have done Burning Man, wouldn't know ANY of you AMAZING PEOPLE so I will thank the universe for the amazing gift of freedom and rediscovery... I was kinda dead BUT Loyal... Loyal... A Samwise Hobbit Trait! ;-D

7) I've been playing/composing on piano (Keys) for over 35 years... (in the womb... hee hee)...

[06/21/06: AND I don't read music...AND my mothers opinion was If "she" didn't know the song I was playing, it's wasn't legitimate music... Hmmm... And I seem to have a block from learning how to read music... coincidence???]

[06/21/06: Wanna Hear some? Don't Judge the recording... I'm NOT a producer... samaaron.com playlist P.S. Internet Explorer seems to be the best browser for this web page...]
[11/01/08: or www.playlist.com ]

I tend lean toward a Peter Gabriel style for my more story/singing based pieces... When I just play it's between old fusion (Rick Wakeman/YES//ELP) and Thick Lush Sweeping movie sound track music. I just finished a Musical with 22 songs... and am just in the processes of fine tuning them (Lyrics and Music)... I WANT to share my music BUT I have NO idea how to... I feel icky going... "HEY... LISTEN TO MY MUSIC... I HAVE A CD??? or COME TO MY HOUSE AND HEAR ME PLAY... I can't bring the piano to the beach like others can bring their guitar and casually start to play... I don't want to BRAG but I would LOVE to share... and have my art be known.

8) When I was 18... I walked into my College counselors office and said "I would like to speak with a counselor/therapist... I don't really have anything in particular that I want to talk about... But I just think I should..." I was assigned a counselor and after one or two session... he remarked... "You know how remarkable you are... You know how many 18 year old MEN, randomly come in and want to examine their lives???" We found some pretty interesting issues... He really wanted me to find ANY OTHER place to live... He said my home was really undoing so much of the work we were doing BUT I had nowhere to go BUT KNOWING how he felt about my family (MY MOM) really help me get that IT WASN'T ME... I WAS FINE... so it really helped me just ignore, almost be amused, by the odd behavior of the others in my home... I went for 10 years (a few different therapists... a few gaps but pretty much 10 years) until I was told that "you share, then you give me your take on the share... and you say exactly what I'd say anyway... you're fine... you're done... you're just as neurotic as everyone else... go out and play"... That was an interesting day... Then about 6 months later... I started enlightenment and life growth work... where healthy (moderately neurotic) people go next... and been doing that on and off for 15 years (and counting)... I life unexamined... is insanity.

Tue, June 20, 2006 - 5:42 PM -

7 Comments

Helium

Tue, June 20, 2006 - 5:54 PM

Please share your music

Did you say 'musical'? If you plan a party to share your music, I'd be there in a sequin dress and long cigarette. Play and sing your songs yourself, have other people sing them, maybe act them out too. What fun!

Julie

Tue, June 20, 2006 - 6:11 PM

Yeah! So when are you hosting a musical party at your house? You wanted to do a potluck, right??

Lint...

Tue, June 20, 2006 - 6:37 PM

Family Dynamics

My family is a fascinating social experiment, only they don't realize it. And because I'm the "weird one" I can get away with some ridiculous stuff, mostly antagonizing the old people.

Star...

Wed, June 21, 2006 - 8:25 AM

Sounds like this plan has started

What else do we need to arange mushy? Musical potluck at your place.... when? ...should I bring the popcorn? : )

Bee

Wed, June 21, 2006 - 8:34 AM

Musical *grin*

Hey,
do you know that I have 10 years of classical singing training (Operetta, Opera, Musical and so on). I also teach piano. Have started to play when I was 10. I'd love to see if there is maybe a part for me in your musical??? :o)))
Please let me know! I am an Alto. I can play men...haha...lol

Spen...

Wed, June 21, 2006 - 12:26 PM

Need a drummer?

Alayha

Sat, June 24, 2006 - 12:15 AM

Sounds like a good party Sam . . .

When's it gonna be?!

The Heavy Heart... (Tribe.net) Fri, March 24, 2006 - 3:30 PM

2008-11-01T12:28:00.000-07:00

I have NO idea what this is...
I have NO idea why it shows up...
BUT it's viscerally present...
And there's an ache to it...

Any distraction seems to remove it...
Until...
I'm back in my head...

A dull heavy Ache...
That all you want is for it to stop...

But maybe that's why it keeps knocking...
Maybe I need to answer it before it starts pounding...

This is a new feeling...
I've hurt before but NOT like this...
It's not WORSE...
It's just a NEW hurt...

And I hope it's a good hurt...
One that's leading me to a new place...
Like it's coming up...
So it can escape...
and leave me free...

Because if I try to suppress it...
It will always be there...
Buried under some pseudo-intellectual babble...
Used to talk myself out of DEALING with it...

Seeing it for what it is...
Whatever it is...
Can't be cleared...
until I really see it...
and experience it fully...

But there are those moments...
Where all you want is...
For it to NOT be there...
For it NOT to feel this way...
To not feel confused, frustrated and melancholy...
That it's there at all!

And you just want to know...
Really know...
That someone understands...
And cares...
(As pathetic as it sounds...)
Someone cares about the dark cloud over my heart...

Perhaps...
All it is...
Is to not feel alone...
When I am alone.

Fri, March 24, 2006 - 3:30 PM

----------------- Comments -------------------

6 Comments

mr e	Fri, March 24, 2006 - 4:42 PM You are not alone. I can relate. It sounds like you need another night of foolishness and frivolity in the Fuzzy Bus... Kevin? mr e

Jesse

Fri, March 24, 2006 - 6:15 PM

congats on feeling!!!!!

hey sammywise.....at last your feeling and be present with it, it probably attached some older, deeper shit that just need to be accepted and let go...and know you are loved ...no matter what the psycho goddess's reflect!!!!! trust me next week will be better!!!!!!

Ren	Fri, March 24, 2006 - 9:59 PM darkness precedes dawn. one step forward, two steps backward...3 steps forward , one step backward, slowly moving forward in life. i know the frustration. but be comforted that it will pass. and we are here for you.

Pira...

Fri, March 24, 2006 - 10:33 PM

Dance will bring clarity
Dance will bring understanding
Dance will bring enlightenment
Dance will bring release
Dance will bring bliss

Come Dance with me

Naughty Ballet Dancer...

Sat, March 25, 2006 - 11:28 PM

i wish i could get to a place like that, where i can stare my pain down and get to know it... i keep running and running... your strength is admirable...

Star...

Mon, March 27, 2006 - 8:39 AM

LOVE

Ah - my dear mushy lovable friend. As you are placing and understanding the chemicals in your mind - you can place why that lack is there - but also know that NEVER are you alone. No man is an island true - but no man who is loved, admired and adored as you are can ever be alone. In this crazy thing we call life - all running in different ways being - doing - trying not to be or do - we travel together with those who get us and love us. You are loved and in that never doubt that you are always with an amazing person - Mr mushy sqwuishy lovable Samwise - We are all here with you too - place the negative - turn it into positive - and send it out into the world.

I LOVE THIS FEELING... (...I HATE THIS FEELING) Hmmmm... Smeagol/Gollum (Tribe.net) Mon, February 13, 2006 - 4:57 PM

2008-11-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

WOW... It's so cool to revisit Blogs... Like going back and reading your personal diary to rediscover where you were at and how the space changes so drastically...

I'm doing AMAZING!!!

(This food thing is really cool... I'm gonna do it like EVERY DAY!!!)

The thing I've noticed about the "I hate this feeling" BLog is that the LOOMING problem... that sometime in the FUTURE there is GOING to be a PROBLEM???

WHO CARES??? How completely stupid and dishonoring of the MOMENT... I'm COMPLETELY WASTING THE MOMENT. (Thank you Wizard)

I was having an amazing talk with a friend the other day and REALLY GOT being in THAT MOMENT... I wasn't thinking about where is this new friendship going to go, how is it like my past experiences, what do I do with it, what steps do I have to take now... MY MIND WAS SHUT OFF ("The POWER OF NOW")...

I was just blissfully and peacefully connected to this moment... It allowed everything... Myself, the sweet friend, the lovely surroundings, peace, love, joy, bliss, serenity to be present... IT WAS PROFOUND...

The next moment will take care of itself and I will honor that one when it is here... and not until!

There is no looming... Looming is the future... looming could loom forever and NEVER impact you, so it's not REAL, it's only in your mind, and if it does become real... It isn't looming any more... it's there to be dealt with... SO LOOMING IS NEVER REAL!!! It's only a thought, a projected feeling that we give power too... OR NOT... I SAY NOT!

I like to say...
"We don't need to create positive, we can, but we don't have to, positive will show up naturally... what we need to do is remove the negative, Untie the (K)NOT... remove the thing that BLOCKS the natural flow of creation in us all.

We need to Share... and untie the (K)NOTS

Sharing... (Tribe.net) Sun, February 5, 2006 - 5:20 PM

2008-11-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

Sharing is something that expands us and makes us grow...

We have to bare ourselves, make ourselves vulnerable...

At times it's painful BUT always freeing AND inevitable...

Why we wait, I don't know?

When we, time and time again, see when we do it,

the life we've stepped away from, is given back to us,

along with what that returned life makes newly available...

Love, Peace, Joy and Possibility!

Sun, February 5, 2006 - 5:20 PM

------------------- Comments -------------------

1 Comment

Star...

Mon, February 6, 2006 - 9:21 AM

Something I'd like to share...

With open hearts minds and ears - let us embrace and enjoy each other.
We are on this road together....lets not forget.

Part of what I love about this community is that I constantly see people reaching out to others -
helping to rise and lighting each others flames
as each of us forget, which seems to happen, let another one remember, and then return the favor.

Would you like to meet my lie!!! (#2... Stay tuned... More to come!!!) (Tribe.net) Wed, February 1, 2006 - 1:10 AM

2008-11-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

OK... This had me weeping on and off all day Sunday...

When I was 10 weeks old,
my father died...
My Mother never remarried
So there was no real Dad in my life...

The lie is... I've been telling myself my ENTIRE life... that it's no big deal...
I never knew him so, how could I miss him...
I thought missing him would be like missing living in Maine (A state I had never lived in)...
I had nothing to remember to be upset about...

WHAT A LOAD OF RATIONALIZATION!!!

The truth is... I miss my Daddy...
I miss him,
I miss knowing him,
I miss sharing with him
Not like I never had it...

Really...
"I miss my Daddy..."

It's a huge deal...

I've spent my life pretending, lying, that I didn't care...
I assumed I loved him, and he was a good guy BUT
I never even asked about him,
Never found out what he was like,
What silly and smart things he taught my brother and sisters...
Never thanked him for my life...

And not just the Air in my lungs...
BUT the Life that I have now that I love...
What ever he did, he got me to be the type of person I am today
and I thank my Daddy for it...

He did a great job and I miss him...

So now... I can talk to him and tell him about my life...
And I get, he already knows and is proud of his Sammy...

I now have a Daddy to Love...

And when the crying stops... I feel sweetly at peace and ready to not be afraid...

I have met my Daddy...!!! :-)
Would you like to meet my Daddy?!

I LOVE HIM... !!! :-) AND I am him!!!
And I am proud!!!

Wed, February 1, 2006 - 1:10 AM

-------------- Comments ----------------

3 Comments

Star...

Wed, February 1, 2006 - 8:17 AM

what makes us us

Samwise you ROCK! Your compassion and love is inspiring and beautiful. You are who you are. And you are amazing. Thank you to your father for staying on this earth long enough for us to have you. Bless you and thank you for your friendship.

Samwise

Wed, February 1, 2006 - 9:31 AM

RE: what makes us us

There I go cry'n again...
What would my dad say???!!! ;-)
"Ya big baby... Be a man!!!"
(and then he'd hug me)
ahhhhhh ;-)

Sojo...

Sun, February 5, 2006 - 4:56 PM

Sharing

That is so raw, so pure and it is very brave to put this out there for all to see. I already feel like I know you better, and I love you more, though we just met.
Thanks for sharing.
-Devai

Welcome to my lie!!! (#1... Stay tuned... More to come!!!) (Tribe.net) Sun, January 29, 2006 - 1:51 AM

2008-11-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

Something I've gotten out of a course I'm currently doing this weekend...

I lie to acquaintances, my friends and myself... A LOT!!!

When I leave you guys... When I walk away from you... I usually say nothing to you... AND TELL myself that I'm fine. I'm bored or tired of the moment... I may wonder off to anywhere else... or just go home.

This is CRAP!!!

The truth is... I often feel empty... that somethings missing... incomplete... BUT I slink home and tell myself...

It's OK...
It doesn't really matter...
AND THEN
I suffer and wallow in pity once again...

I'd like to apologize... This is ALL ME. Lying to you all... pretending that I'm fine and NOT TRULY BEING straight with you

You don't even have the vaguest idea what is happening and I'm blaming you for not connecting and loving me...

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!!

It is so completely selfish and self-centered of me...

"I" am leaving you,
You have NO idea what's going on
and
most probably...
"I" am leaving our connection INCOMPLETE and NOT making sure you are taken care of, clear, complete and Loved...
"I" am not honoring our relationship, our friendship and creating a deeper connection with you...

WHY???

Because I'm acting like a little kid..
a hurt five year old...
having a little pity party!!!
And everyone suffers...
Because
I could create JOY , FUN and PLAY...
I could make sure my friends are taken care of...
AND I DON'T

So...
I apologies and am letting you know... That I... from now on... I commit that any time... I feel the slightest incompleteness in me... or between us... That I will take action!!!

That there is NOTHING left to be said between us...
That there is NO concern or thought left to be said...
I will be Bold, Uninhibited, Fearless, Loving and Complete!
AND
I make sure YOU are taken care of...
That you and I are left honored, complete and loved when ever I leave.

THIS IS MY NEW PROMISE TO YOU, MYSELF and MY LIFE...

AND YOU HAVE COMPLETE PERMISSION TO CALL ME ON IT!!!
AND CALL ME ON IT HARD!!!
TOUCH LOVE BABY!!!

And it is LOVE!!!

;-)

Samwise

Sun, January 29, 2006 - 1:51 AM - permalink - 7 Comments

------------- Comments ------------------

6 Comments

Pira...

Sun, January 29, 2006 - 7:32 AM

So that's why you wouldn't have sex with me, I thought it was cause you we're frightened by the size of the Pirate kings manhood.

FireFly

Sun, January 29, 2006 - 9:10 AM

way to GO SAM! THAT"S playing full out. Welcome to teh court..and its only the beginning..but I promise its way more fun and intrigue than that old tired stuff!

Can't wait to see the 'discovered' you with that authentic sparkle in your eye!!

xoxoxo
Savannah-FireFly

Gisele

Sun, January 29, 2006 - 10:02 AM

I can tell you went to Landmark. My friend was there last month and wrote exactly the same stuff.

C P	Sun, January 29, 2006 - 1:48 PM I would be happy to give you a smack every now and then. I hit from love.

Jenna

Mon, January 30, 2006 - 1:40 AM

your 'lie'

BEAUTIFUL TRUTH SAM!!!!!!!!
to tell you the truth, this makes a lot of sense now :) :) .... but it's amazing how much this 'forum' stuff (I assume that's what you are talking about?) is appearing in my life in different ways. I really appreciate you sharing this.... it is brave, honest and loving! (To yourself and to us.) Good for you.

Swee...

Tue, January 31, 2006 - 8:23 PM

Good for you, Samwise! I love that you're sharing your growth with your friends.

I can't wait to hear the rest of your lies. =)

- Kristi (who is a big fan of the Brad Blanton's book - Radical Honesty).

I was asked... Balance... (Tribe.net) Mon, January 23, 2006 - 11:33 AM

2008-10-29T01:37:00.000-07:00

I was asked... I need to find a good balance between going out and doing the things I want/need to... Do you have any suggestions for my needed balance?

Surround yourself with lovely sweet people with lovely sweet energy and intentions...

Harder than it sounds...

Often each one of these people is busy (sometimes overly like myself) searching so manically... that they don't create that needed commune of people. NOT just a community but a true commune... a group that is always there... every individual in the group is NOT always available, they can't be, they are out exploring and expanding BUT the GROUP is always there, there will always be a subset of the group there for you, as you will always be there for them.

Almost a kind-of loving pack of love wolves... supporting and traveling together... nurturing and protecting... sensitive and sensual and always happy to see you journey off and always embracing when you return.

All I know is... this is what I want.

With that... there is no flailing... only venturing and exploring... and returning home.

----------- Comments ------------

Naughty Ballet Dancer

Thu, January 26, 2006 - 1:09 AM

You said it....

You will be amazed on how many people will start to show up, the people you will attract... who you WANT in your life...
and those that will just LEAVE...

This is my Mantra...thanks for your words...

You will find a HOME...

tc

Lady...

Fri, January 27, 2006 - 6:56 PM

Breathe

Sam, I knew you had a wonderful spirit the night I met you. Don't despair! Within the next 24 hours, make time to relax - in whatever form that is for you - and ponder, " what is your passion?" How do the things that fill up your time express your passion? Is there anything you need to let go? Is there anything you've put off that you need to do?

The two times I've seen you were at house parties. These are great to keep in contact with people (obviously I go to them), but do you meet with people during the week for coffee? for a movie? for a walk? for ice cream? :) These are the times when bonding occurs.

After next week, I'll be leaving for Thailand. Let's try to coordinate a hour to "hang out" before I go. Because eventually, I'll be coming back. -Mariam

I hate this feeling... (Tribe.net) Fri, January 13, 2006 - 6:16 PM

2008-10-29T01:15:00.000-07:00

I am NOT normally testy, short tempered, indignant, righteous (OK maybe a bit of that)...

I don't know if it's the full moon, Friday the 13Th, the headache I've had all day, the 24oz of Coffee I started with this morning and then NOT eating all day (It's 6pm)... But I just feel like the world is just not on my side, nobody really cares if I'm here or not... Really ganged up on and alone... and I really want to just yell or cry or punch something... I don't know... I just don't like feeling this way...

It's so not me... I work so hard (and it does take work) to keep looking for and being open to the good... And sometimes ya just get tired, drained... and when you don't have someone to hold... someone to just comfort you... you begin to crash... and you wonder what's wrong with you... why doesn't anyone want to be there for me, with me, get me?

It really hurts and the more I dwell there, the more alone I feel... The more I just don't see any light... I know it will pass BUT when you're in it... you don't really care about being logical... You just get tired and want to know why I have to be here again... Haven't I been here enough in my life... What's the use of working it out if you're gonna just end up here again... I'm just so frigg'n tired... drained... unappreciated... unloved... alone... again.

and I have no idea what to do about it... all I know is that everything I've done up till now gets me here... keeps getting me here... so it's really frightening that this is never going to ever end... The despair is always here or lurking in the wings waiting for anything to ignite it... to feed it.

I hate this feeling... and I hate to hate.

=======================================
Update - 01/23/2006

I've eat'n and much better...

Thank you all... Those who posted and sent me emails...

I wrote this response to someones email and thought... Hmmm... This is a nice fit to just relay to everyone...

------------------------

I appreciate the attention, love thoughts and words... As always... it's good to know people are there, understand and "are" or "have been" there. You get it's a HUMAN condition and that it's OK... We just sometimes go there... Nothing more meaningful than that... It just sometimes "feels" real.

It's been better (but not completely clean)... eating does helps! ;-)

As I said in the Blog... there is always this blurry fading thought, a nagging feeling, that something is lurking, looming... like a shadowy figure just off the corner of your eyes, in your minds closet... waiting for the light to go out!

-----------------------
02/13/06
WOW... It's so cool to revisit Blogs... Like going back and reading your personal diary to rediscover where you were at and how the space changes so drastically...

I'm doing AMAZING!!!

(This food thing is really cool... I'm gonna do it like EVERY DAY!!!)

The thing I've noticed about this BLog is that the LOOMING problem... that sometime in the FUTURE there is GOING to be a PROBLEM???

WHO CARES??? How completely stupid and dishonoring of the MOMENT... I'm COMPLETLY WASTEING THE MOMENT.

I was having an amazing talk with a friend the other day and REALLY GOT being in THAT MOMENT... I wasn't thinking about where is this new friendship going to go, how is it like my past experiences, what do I do with it, what steps do I have to take now... MY MIND WAS SHUT OFF ("The POWER OF NOW")...

I was just blissfully and peacefully connected to this moment... It allowed everything... Myself, the sweet friend, the lovely surroundings, peace, love, joy, bliss, serenity to be present... IT WAS PROFOUND...

The next moment will take care of itself and I will honor that one when I is here... and not until!

There is no looming... Looming is the future... looming could loom forever and NEVER impact you, so it's not REAL, it's only in your mind, and if it does become real... It isn't looming any more... it's there to be dealt with... SO LOOMING IS NEVER REAL!!! It's only a thought, a projected feeling that we give power too... OR NOT... I SAY NOT!

I like to say...
"We don't need to create positive, we can, but we don't have to, positive will show up naturally... what we need to do remove the negative, Untie the (K)NOT... remove the thing that BLOCKS the natural flow of creation in us all.

Share... and untie the (K)NOTS

---------------- Comments -----------------

Ashe

Fri, January 13, 2006 - 6:24 PM

Spiritual People.

It is the quickening my friend. The spiritual awakening that a lot of us are enduring. It is not easy and we all feel alone. I do not know you in real life but for what it is worth I do care about you. We all chose to be here at this time. Great things are ahead of us but we all need to get through the long, cold, dark nights.
~namaste
bor

Pira...

Fri, January 13, 2006 - 6:55 PM

Use it, put on you Pirate shirt and loot a brothel with the pirate king.

Lynn...

Fri, January 13, 2006 - 6:59 PM

Dude, you need to eat...IMMEDIATELY!!! takes one to know one, brotha!! I feel your anguish, but seriously, take it from a nurse, don't put much creedance into your feelings until you've eaten...THEN examine the reality of the situation. I loves ya!

Lobo...

Fri, January 13, 2006 - 7:21 PM

You only have a limited number of times in your life that you can say you really feel like true and utter crap and if this is one of those times I say go for it. Rent Breaking the Waves or Requiem for a Dream or some other depressing flick and wallow in it! burn it out! feel it for all it's worth... yell! scream! find something to punch on that won't get damaged or damage you, burn it up like a fever killing germs. let it exhaust you- and then get some sleep and remember it's all part of the same thing- the highs aren't much without those lows...

oh and like the nurse said, eat something NOW.

I don't know you very well, but my heart's with you bro...

FireFly

Sat, January 14, 2006 - 10:23 AM

all good comments.. yes.. I have nothing more to add..except you are not alone in your feelings or experience. and wyeah, it is hard..we're all going through it..and I try to just remember to trust. TRUST!
and you are loved. Remember that.
xoxo
FireFly

Sat, January 14, 2006 - 12:40 PM

yet we Love your Feelingness!

Hey fellow Piscean Pal,
1st off, YAY to Lynne who along with me was with you at that last Landmark graduation (yay Anastajah!)... I'm sure you've eaten by now...
secondly, I'm just recovering from my cold so I'm gonna call you now.
Thanks for chatting Wednesday eve,
tho I must admit you rambled on a bit much...
:-)

Goth...

Sat, January 14, 2006 - 2:18 PM

Hang in there man, we're with you. Go with it, let yourself feel the crap. It passes. Just know that its okay to feel like crap, it really is. Its one way to know the good by experiencing the crap. Luv ya.

Swee...

Sun, January 15, 2006 - 8:57 AM

I agree - eat. Eat something healthy. And drink water. And breathe.

And schedule a weekend trip to Portland. Come up for Unveil'd, Jan 28. I'm at the airport waiting to pick you up. =)

Sending hugs and snuggles from Oregon -

Kristi =)

Suzette

Mon, January 16, 2006 - 12:15 PM

BLAAAHHHH

You just need a good spanking Sammy! And that'll make it all better.

Lisa

Thu, January 19, 2006 - 12:43 PM

Alas ...pore Yorek.....I know him well

My dearest friend....
De Javu!
I can remember long nights on the phone trying to figure out the why's of things....
But OH YAH....then this really smart dude, named Sam...maybe you remember him from Jersey? Well, he had this epiphany about how useless "worry" was...in fact I think Jewel plagerized your thoughts in her song - anyway....those days come....and thank the good Lord.....they go too. But always know that if you stick up your hand, someone who cares will keep you from going under.
Oh yes, and eating would be a good thing too!

Samwise

Mon, January 23, 2006 - 1:00 PM

I hate this feeling: UPDATE!

Not sure how blogs work so I put an update at the end of my original BLOG...

And I'm posting here to let people know it's here...

Look for - "Update - 01/23/2006"

And thank you everyone! :-)

Recent Snuggle Conversation... (Tribe.net) Mon, December 19, 2005 - 1:00 AM

2008-10-29T01:13:00.000-07:00

Around Fri, December 16, 2005

<>: added explanation

Samwise wrote:

I agree about the "Slut" word...

I also feel as people are becoming more comfortable with the idea ... some people are just learning to be close physically... a harsh sounding word may make them hesitate and move away... it's not very embracing... in fact it also has a very selfish conotation... and Hugs and Snuggling is nurturing... It's no fun hugging/snuggling someone who doesn't want to be hugged/snuggled.

????? wrote:
awesome comments. exactly. and how are we turning the word slut into a positive term by this "identification" with the word? It would turn away gentle people. and its minimizing the intimacy into the " meaninglessness of a slut's affection"...

Samwise wrote:

There are a lot NON-Snugglers (more male sluts... there) who don't seem to embrace the concept of embracing.

I'm not saying things can't develope BUT that's not the reason to snuggle...

I created a moderated group for LA
1) to make sure the intent is understood
2) the group is good for all in the group
3) so we could actually snuggle... It's hard to snuggle from a few thousand miles away... and virtual snuggling is not even a close substitute... I've got LOT'S of good friends I mentally and spiritually know embrace me... so encouragement online is NICE but not why I'm here. As Peter Gabriel would say "I need contact". ;-)

????? wrote:
nice you have formed a snuggle group...
great idea for every town...

some men are too repressed and homophobic to snuggle... they may like sex tho...

you've inspired me about snuggle groups... in my super small community i find weird dynamics are common... a big city would be easier to set up a club...

Samwise wrote:
Subject Re: About Snuggle'n...

I can't imagine how a snuggle group could be a good idea GLOBALLY... unless there were subsets within the global community.

There is currently cuddleparty.com

I never got the concept of NOT likeing affection? I like sex but if I have the option of isolation or true authentic warmth and contact... Why choose isolation. Some people (usually men but I've met some reltionshiply stunted women as well) seem to only seek the satisfaction of the drug of sex... After the fix, they want to be left alone, they consider the act was about personal gratification and the other person just was a sexual aide. That's ok if the other person mutually used that person. Hey, we self gratify... nothing wrong wil mutual self gratification... company in the process... But there is also a LOT to be said for deeper, more profound sharing of intamacy that may or may not lead to sex. I'd rather SLEEP with a beauiful, nurturing woman than sleep alone. Some nights I may need the space to just be alone BUT typically, since this is always an option... sharing my space is more of a treat and incredably sweet.

Super small communities... have people like you in them... don't sell it short... You're there... who knows who else is pineing for such a group. You may only need 5 or 8 to start... and they'll tell friends...

I think once a group starts... you almost want to NOT allow everyone to join... You will either need to moderate OR only allow referals. People who the people in the group are comfortable with and feel safe to invite.

Life muses and tools... (Tribe.net) Mon, July 4, 2005 - 9:27 AM

2008-10-29T01:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever added the sentence "or maybe not" at the end of statment you think about (your) life?

Like...
"I'm a morning person"
"I hate hiking"
"I already know everything I need to know"
"This is gonna suck"

... Or maybe not...

And MEAN IT! Consider it... It's quite freeing being open to something other than what you've locked yourself into...

------------ and ------------------
Sat, July 16, 2005 - 2:46 PM

Actually was talking about RIGHT thinking which can make life stressed, anxious and upset.

Anything you are upset about BECAUSE YOU ARE RIGHT (and someone or something else wrong) seems to take on an entirely different existence, completly different properties when the context changes... "Or maybe not" changes the context and opens up new possibilities that didn't exist prior to that consideration.

We become aware of new possibilities, light is shed on an old thought or belief, it is then in light, enlightened.

Do you care... (Tribe.net) Sat, June 18, 2005 - 6:43 PM

2008-10-29T01:07:00.000-07:00

What an interesting concept...

A place to ramble, log, journal, rant and muse... where random people can examine and judge my pitiful (yet sometimes accidentally profound) diatribes...

My thought is...

Why would you choose...

with all the information and interests out there you are already focusing on...

Why would you choose to add "MY" stream of consciousness to flow into your already brimming over pool of morass.

Well... perhaps this is just a place to vent for vents sake... to clear... and if someone reads it... perhaps they will think less of their idiosyncrasies... (as compared to mine)...

I'll consider this blog my own personal PSA to you (including myself)!

And so it begins... as everything does.

Samwise's Muses - I'm Just Say'n

In the NAME of LOVE... Use your own damn name...

Buddy can you spare 4 to 8 minutes...

Someone asked what IS possible...

When It's done... No matter what you said...

Play the GAME!!!

*** GIVE ***

Frustration is YOUR FRIEND!!! Give it a HUG and don't let it go!!!

Just Say NO!!! I WANT THIS!!!

A Thread from FaceBook started by me republishing a Deepak Chopra Quote – We CAN be DEEP!!! :)

Social Balance...

A Reminder For Myself, On The Days I Question The Difference I Make In The World…

The Golden Goal ~ Lyrics

Wearing My Art on my Sleeve... Be Gentle...

"Friends"... NOT the final word...

Triage... (a thought in progress)

Nothing Much... As I start to type... (Pains and Pangs)

Comfortable... The wrong kind...

WANTED...

Silent Running...

Hollywood & Western & Philosophy

The Dollar...

Twitter... (The NEW Red Blinking Lite on your Answering Machine)

The Pavlovian Response... The Dog Didn't Always Salivate... and Not all Dogs Salivate... To the Same Bell...

Micro Blogging... and Texting in General... Thoughts... (1st Official BLog Here)

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Recent Snuggle Conversation... (Tribe.net) Mon, December 19, 2005 - 1:00 AM

Life muses and tools... (Tribe.net) Mon, July 4, 2005 - 9:27 AM

Do you care... (Tribe.net) Sat, June 18, 2005 - 6:43 PM

* GIVE *